Over the weekend, Yolanda was contacted by a new informant who we shall call Woodside Woody. Our new buddy Woody is a snarky fellow, and Yolanda is a snarky lass. Needless to say, we got along famously.
Anywho, Woody dropped in to tell us that one of his famous Woodside neighbors had listed her baller-style compound for sale. Who, y’all ask? Why, our gurl Michelle Pfeiffer, that’s who. Or as Bruno Mars might say, “Miss White Gold”. Or as our bitches over at Dlisted might say, “that crazy ass blood-sucking ghoul.” But we digress.
Yolanda was a little surprised that we had not heard anything about Ms. Pfeiffer’s home becoming available for purchase on the other real estate gossip websites. Usually we are so late to the party with these things that we don’t even bother! But not in this instance. Well, ol’ Shelly has been out of the spotlight for some years now — albeit with a professional resurgence recently — so there’s that.
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Yes indeed, Yolanda confirmed that Ms. Pfeiffer’s longtime main residence has quietly popped up for sale with a fat asking price of $29,500,000. Obviously our Ms. Pfeiffer is not interested in playing patty-cake with you non-billionaire prospective buyers.
Our research indicates that Ms. Pfeiffer and her longtime hubby David E. Kelley purchased the 8.67-acre equestrian compound in two separate transactions — the first in 2004 for $12,000,000 and the second in 2008 for $8,600,000 — for a total outlay of $20,600,000. That’s a lot of cheddar, but remember that Mr. Kelley is a very rich dude — he created a whole bunch of successful TV shows like The Practice, Ally McBeal, Boston Public, Boston Legal, and Big Little Lies.
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Fun fact: Ms. Pfeiffer’s Woodside compound is located on a cul-de-sac named “Why Worry Lane”. Our local informant Woody told Yolanda that the unusual name derives from the fact that the lane is built directly over a major earthquake fault line.
Get it, y’all? Although “the Big One” could strike at any moment, hey, the street is here to remind you that you’re a rich bitch living in Woodside — one of the most expensive communities in the world — so really, why worry.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Most of the multiple structures on the 8.67-acre estate date back nearly 100 years, although it appears the 6,379-square-foot Spanish-y main house was constructed in 1940. The main residence contains 4 beds and 4.5 baths, with all of the bedrooms located upstairs.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
The entire property is lushly and meticulously landscaped, and Yolanda cannot even begin to fathom how much Ms. Pfeiffer’s monthly gardening bill must be. Thousands and thousands of bucks, we are certain. There are enough clipped hedges, neatly trimmed ivy bushes, and mature fir trees to fill an entire arboretum, not to mention acres of rolling lawns. And check out those cone-shaped trees! What the heck are those, and how does she keep them so lookin’ so pristine? We suspect an army of full-time landscapers are to thank.
We digress again. In addition to the main house, there is an octagonal barn with 10 horse stalls and a small turnout. Also on the property is a full-size riding arena, a private well for irrigation purposes, and backup generator to power things in the event of an electricity outage. There’s also an apple orchard, vegetable beds, a guest house of unknown square footage, and on and on.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Unfortunately for us nosy ninnies, Ms. Pfeiffer has decided to bless the public with only a handful of pics from the inside of her house. And none of them show the master suite or any bedrooms! Sacre bleu! You’d think that a Hollywood veteran like Ms. Pfeiffer would know by now that sex sells. Gurl, how you expectin’ some billionaire to plunk down $30 million and you’re not even willing to show off the goods?!
Anyway, photos of the family/living room spaces confirm what we all suspected: the house is decorated in a comfortable and traditional manner that is appropriate to a classy lass like Ms. Pfeiffer.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
Also on the property is an enormous rectangular pool and adjacent spa. There’s a picturesque vine-covered arbor on one side of the pool, and on the other is a full-size tennis court accessed via another vine-covered arbor.
Being that we are perpetually trapped in our smoggy LA bubble, we know very little about the Woodside real estate market. So we asked our new pal Woody about how long he thinks it will Ms. Pfeiffer to unload this place, and whether or not it is priced appropriately. He snarked back that she will certainly grow “older and grayer” waiting to sell, especially now that the deep well of Chinese billionaire buyers — which took the Bay Area by storm a few years back — has essentially dried up.
Oh dear! Yolanda likes Ms. Pfeiffer, so we hope that is not the case. And the estate is really quite beautiful. We are gonna wish her all the best as she attempts to unload the beast.
Some of Ms. Pfeiffer’s Woodside neighbors include billionaires like Larry Ellison, Steve Jobs’ widow Laurene Powell, Softbank CEO Masayoshi Son, and manufacturing heir Riley Bechtel.
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Back in 2016, as Yolanda first snitched, Ms. Pfeiffer and Mr. Kelley quietly paid $8,150,000 cash in an off-market deal for a rather bland two-story house on one of the most coveted streets in the Pacific Palisades Riviera neighborhood. The house has just 3,211-square-feet of living space on a .45-acre lot.
We can’t imagine that Ms. Pfeiffer would trade her amazing Woodside compound for this little house in the Palisades — $8 million or not, it’s pretty blah — but Woodside Woody swears up and down that Ms. Pfeiffer is leaving Woodside for good now that her kids are grown. She’s hankerin’ for some LA lovin’ now.
Or as Woody puts it, “she’s trading horse shit for the bullshit.” (His words, not Yolanda’s!)
Listing agents: Mary & Brent Gullixson • Alain Pinel Realtors