Yolanda is still playing catch-up with all the stories we missed while we were outside in the cold, embarking on our worldwide tour. So we thought we’d diverge for a moment from the world of secret buyers and such to chat about a big new house in Malibu. And this one is extra-special because it got dumped on the market recently with a publicity-ensuring (and city record breaking) $80,000,000 pricetag. Yes, we know every real estate publication and their grandmother’s ex-parlor maid have already discussed this place, but bear with your gurl today and we promise we’ll have something else juicy for y’all very soon.

Anyway, a little birdie generously provided Yolanda with some high-quality images of said estate, and y’all may admire them below.

The massive spec mansion — it weighs in at 15,000-square-feet of living space, per the listing — is situated on a prime blufftop promontory that was once occupied by Malibu’s famous Castle Kashan. That 1978 castle — all 15,200-square-feet of it — was built in 1978 by a doctor and most famously owned by philanthropist/socialite Princess Lilly Lawrence. Sadly for the lady of the manor, the castle was completely destroyed in a 2007 fire. And although the Princess quickly announced her intentions to rebuild, it seems she had a change of heart, got distracted, or some such stuff. In May 2015, she sold the still-vacant property for $9,700,000 to super-successful Malibu architect/developer Scott Gillen and staightaway threw down $5,800,000 for a cruise ship-sized 11,500-square-foot mansion within a guard-gated community out in… Tarzana (CA)?!

Yes, kiddies, the dreaded and feared San Fernando Valley. But we digress…

An $80 million pricetag may seem like an ambitious ask, even in Malibu — and it is — but an $80 million house certainly would not be completely out of place in the city. After all, it was only last week when an as-yet-unidentified buyer plunked down $85 million for David Geffen’s sprawling Carbon Beach compound. And just a month before that, a lady from Hong Kong forked out $70 million on an epic hilltop compound. And then in early 2013, Jim Jannard plunked down $74.5 million on an Escondido Beach blufftop spread.

All of those were off-market deals, natch, but we’re just saying that a “record-breaking” $80 million pricetag in Malibu isn’t quite as presumptuous as it might seem.

A 400-foot double-gated driveway leads the owner’s Rolls Royce Wraith to a commodious motor court in front of the 5-bed, 5.5-bath contemporary main house, with its flat room and geometric shapes. Per the listing, the property includes custom teak doors and windows plus teak accents in practically every room of the structure. Yolanda is a sucker for some fancy teak, so we love it. Duh.

Though the house is massive and undeniably constructed from the highest-high-end materials, the 360-degree promontory view here is the real selling point. And thus the media room features walls of glass overlooking the ocean and is not enclosed like most other modern home theaters. As for the double-height great room, it’s almost confounding in its enormity and features exposed wood beams in Mr. Gillen’s trademark “UNVARNISHED” theme. The entire home is filled with pricey furnishings from boutique brands like Minotti and Bottega Veneta, all of which are included in the purchase price, Yolanda believes.

The master suite features dry aged oak floors and truly gob-smackingly magnificent views that — on a clear day — easily stretch to Catalina Island and beyond.

Best of all is the 75-foot infinity pool that stretches along the entire width of the main house. If Yolanda were to make one quibble about this place — and it’s a tiny quibble — we might say that the pool is a bit too close to the house for our personal taste. But that’s the way it is. And really, wouldn’t y’all just love to see a drunken houseguest stumble out of the Bulthaup kitchen — glass of burgundy in hand and wrapped in Chanel doo-dads — just to see their epic ker-splash in the pool? Of course you would.

Best of all, the new owner will be neighbors with Mr. Malibu himself — Larry Ellison. His sprawling Serra Retreat estate — one of dozens of properties he owns in the city — lies right below the Malibu Castle.

Listing agent: Sandro Dazzan, Coldwell Banker

Well, fiddlesticks. Kids, the real estate market is so hot right now that Yolanda is having real, real trouble deciding what to write about. We’ve got pages of properties stinking up our desk! But that’s a good problem to have, and we aren’t complaining. Only a little bit, maybe. Today we’re going with a tale about two young(ish) folks with a lot of mysterious money.

Who doesn’t love Pacific Palisades? The sunshine, the trees, the ocean breezes, the family-friendly nature, the Prius drivers everywhere (okay, Yolanda could live without that part, but we digress).

Well, there’s at least one group of folks who don’t love it: potential homebuyers who don’t have a net worth of ten figures of more. Take a look at this pleasant new house on a super-prime street in the swanky Riviera section of the Palisades. With an entire children’s wing that features a playroom, it’s perfect for a young family. But it just sold for $15,800,000!  That’s almost 16 million smackeroos! Make no mistake, that’s a whole ton of money. How many young families do you know that can afford a mortgage on a house like that? Very few, we’d wager.

But the beauty (or ugliness, if you prefer) of our real estate market (and other markets in general) is that for every 100 folks who can’t afford a house, there are at least a couple who can. And in this case, there is a young family who can and did afford it.

The new owners’ identities are very carefully cloaked behind an anonymously-named LLC that leads down a dead-end road, but Yolanda just happens to know that their names are Anton and Carole Lessine. Our Mr. & Mrs. Lessine are in their early-to-mid-30s and have two young daughters. Neither of the Lessines work what y’all might term regular jobs — they’re much too wealthy for that — but Mr. Lessine did co-found a film production company and has produced several Hollywood blockbusters featuring big-name stars like Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lessine is a polo player and equestrian who owns several beautiful horses of her own.

Mr. Lessine was born and raised in Moscow, Russia; Mrs. Lessine originally hails from Switzerland.

So where does all the money come from? Well, kiddies, Mr. Lessine happens to be the only son of the late Mikhail Lesin. If that name sounds vaguely familiar, you may recall that Mr. Lesin shot to worldwide fame (or infamy) posthumously, back in November 2015. It was then, you see, when he rather bizarrely wound up dead in a Washington, D.C. hotel room.

Mr. Lesin, you see, was — at one time — a very prominent figure in the Russian government. For many years he was reportedly BFFs with Putin himself and, in fact, Mr. Lesin served for many years as Putin’s “chief media enforcer“. Who knows what that really means, but it certainly sounds ominous to Yolanda.

Sometime in 2009, it seems, Mr. Lesin and his family rather abruptly departed Russia and turned up here in Los Angeles, where they quickly began throwing down eyebrow-raising sums of money on hulking mansions. Keep in mind this was also during the worldwide economic recession, y’all. We’ll get to those other houses in a moment.

For several years, the Lesin family’s home purchases went mostly unnoticed, as the homes were registered to mysterious LLCs and corporations and the like. In fact, it was not until 2014, after a former nanny filed a lawsuit against Anton and Carole Lessine that the shit really started to hit the proverbial fan. The lawsuit, you see, indirectly exposed the fact that the Lesin family held title to roughly $30 million in luxury LA real estate. Folks took notice and even Mississippi senator Roger Wicker called for a Senate investigation into the Lesin clan and their source of wealth.

The issue at hand seemed to be how Mr. Lesin — a Russian government employee for many years — could amass the substantial funds required to live such a lavish SoCal lifestyle. Nobody could figure it out, but Yolanda would suspect that it pays well to be in Putin’s good graces. Get what we’re saying, y’all? Perhaps our current President could elaborate on that (yes, Yolanda went there!).

And it wasn’t just the houses that attracted suspicion. Financing those Hollywood blockbusters — Fury, Sabotage, Rock the Kasbah among them — required an enormous amount of capital. Where had those tens of millions of bucks come from? All fingers, it seems, pointed back to Mr. Lesin.

We are not sure about what (if anything) ever happened to the Senate probe. But for some odd reason, Mr. Lesin traveled alone to Washington, D.C. in fall 2015. The public may never know who he went to see — or why — and the details of what happened on the fateful night of November 5th are still unclear. But Mr. Lesin was found dead in his hotel room the following morning.

Then came the publicity. Almost everyone suspected that Mr. Lesin might have been knocked off by agents from his home country. Russian media immediately reported that he died of a “heart attack” while D.C. officials eventually released a statement saying he died of “blunt force trauma”, which only served to heighten suspicions. Nearly a year later, however, the autopsy was released. It listed the death — ready for this? — as having been caused by nothing more than a drunken fall.

Mystery solved. Or is it?

Oh, but look how far we’ve digressed. We’re supposed to be showing y’all the house! Yolanda is a bit surprised by this purchase, honestly. After his father’s death, we kinda thought Mr. Lessine would want to lay low or that he would no longer have access to such huge sums of moolah.

But it is now apparent that though Mr. Lesin lies cold in his grave, the family money train continues to flow freely. Right? Right. Time to check out the real estate.

From what Yolanda can tell, the home is situated on a .42-acre lot and was constructed with all the requisite high-tech gizmos and gadgets. The listing described the architecture as “luxurious East Coast traditional melds seamlessly into modernized farmhouse vernacular”. Hmm. Alrighty, then! Yolanda would call it a good ol’ Traditional with a Colonial influence and a spiffy (if conservative) interior, but that’s just us. We’re basic like that.

Whatever the architectural style, the driveway is definitely double-gated and the pebble (woodchip?) drive wraps around in front of the somewhat-charming front porch to the front-facing three car garage. Call us picky, kids, but for almost $16 million Yolanda does not want a front-facing garage of any size on our big ass mansion. But we understand that space is limited here, yada yada. And you know what? The garage situation certainly did not deter buyers. The sale price of $15.8 million is actually a full $805,000 more than the last asking price of $14,995,000. This indicates that Mr. & Mrs. Lessine may have fought off some stiff (and deep-pocketed) competition for this property.

Designed by Palisades-mansion-specialist Ken Ungar, the house has a warm, modern flow. There are a variety of dining options — Yolanda counts three dining tables that seat 8 or humans apiece. Folding doors invite the backyard inside and vice versa in the oh-so-quintessentially-Southern California manner. Wide-plank oak (?) floors look great in here and save the rooms from lookin’ too formal/stuffy.

The kitchen opens to the family room (and the backyard) and comes equipped with not one, not two, but three islands. Because why the hell not, eh? Countertops are marble and the multitude of appliances — seriously, there are a full Sears store worth of appliances up in here — are all high-end.

A total of 9 bathrooms and 7 bedrooms (five of them suites located upstairs) fill the 11,150-square-foot crib.

Sumptuous is a good word for the master suite — it’s got the tufted California king, a cozy sitting room, a bathrooms wrapped almost entirely in Carrara marble, and a walk-in closet with a crystal chandelier.

As is to be expected of a house of this caliber, there are lots of fancy toys for the rich homeowners. These include a “pool room” with what looks awfully like a pricey James Perse pool table and a full wet bar. Then there is a wine cellar, a gym w/ massage table, and a cavernous home theater.

The best thing about the Amalfi Rim property, however, isn’t the house. It’s the lovely view over the treetops that takes in the Santa Monica mountains, those California sunsets, and a sliver of the silvery Pacific Ocean.

The Riviera neighborhood — so named because of its adjacency to the fiendishly expensive Riviera Country Club — has long been considered the most desirable section of Pacific Palisades and is enormously popular with family-oriented celebrities. Some of the Lessine clan’s nearest neighbors include Molly Sims, Kate Hudson, Sam Raimi, Conan O’Brien, and Jessica Chastain.

Alrighty then. Yolanda already mentioned that Mr. & Mrs. Lessine own multiple other multi-million dollar homes in Los Angeles, so let’s have a quick peek at them, too.

In August 2011, Mikhail Lesin paid $13,800,000 for a 1980s manor house in the super-exclusive guard-gated community of Beverly Park. It is our understanding that the property (which is right next door to Magic Johnson’s house!) underwent a long period of renovations and has been vacant since Mr. Lesin’s death. In February 2017, the house (which sports oblique views of the LA basin) was put up for sale with an optimistic $29,000,000 pricetag.

For unknown reasons, Mr. & Mrs. Lessine paid $3,995,000 for a striking 1980s contemporary in the luxe but somewhat remote “Highlands” area of Pacific Palisades. They closed on the property in late September 2015, just a month prior to Mr. Lesin’s sudden death.

We say “for unknown reasons” because we know that neither of the Lessines have ever occupied the 4,785-square-foot house. Yolanda can only assume the property must be utilized as some sort of guest house for family and/or staff members.

And finally, Mr. & Mrs. Lessine’s main residence for the last five years has been a bloated behemoth of a mansion in the proverbial heart of the super-chic Brentwood Park neighborhood. Back in February 2012 — when they were both still in their late 20s — the wealthy young couple plunked down $9,000,000 (in cash) on the spec-built mansion.

The Italianate beast has formal gardens and a Palladian-style entrance that is meant to wow all guests. There’s also underground parking, a pool/spa, and a guest house all on a .63-acre lot. The 13,500-square-foot residence packs in 7 beds and 12 baths spread across three full levels of living space.

Yolanda does not pretend to have even the foggiestidea about why Mr. & Mrs. Lessine would spend nearly 16 million bucks to leave their Brentwood Park mansion and move to a slightly smaller Pacific Palisades mansion less than two miles away (as the crow flies). But that’s what they did, and they’ve already moved in.

Anyone know why? Bueller? The only reason we can conjure up is that they might want the lovely view that the Amalfi Rim gives them. And there’s more celebrities out there on the Riviera, if they care about that.

Or maybe they’re just so filthy rich that they change mansions ever few years just because they can. Honestly, that sounds way more plausible.

Listing agent: James Respondek, Sotheby’s International Realty
Mr. & Mrs. Lessine’s agent: Glenda Lousignont, Keller Williams Realty Brentwood

He may be just 30 years old, but professional snowboarder/skateboarder and two-time Olympic gold medalist turned wildly successful entrepreneur Shaun White has money. Serious money. And it seems that hardly a month goes by when he’s not popping up in all the property gossip columns for buying or selling this or that latest residence. By Yolanda’s count, Mr. White now holds title to no less than $30 million in luxury real estate. When Yahoo Sports called him “richer than every other snowboarder combined”, we don’t think they were lyin’.

Some of you may recall that the Bentley-driving Mr. White threw down an A-list style $8,940,000 for a mini-compound in Malibu a few years back (in October 2013, to be precise). The house was sold by The Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss and is located on the view side of what is often considered to be the best street in the celebrity-friendly Point Dume neighborhood: Birdview Avenue.

For those who ain’t familiar with the neighborhood — Birdview lies on a bluff that looms directly over Malibu’s fabulous Zuma Beach (or is it actually Westward Beach?) and features incredible head-on westward views and sunsets.

Anyway, y’all may recall that Yolanda dissected Mr. White’s $9 million house when it popped up for lease last year. While we’re not sure if the place was ever rented out, we do know that Mr. White is certainly not planning to forsake Malibu. He just paid a truly baller-style $10,750,000 (in an off-market deal) to acquire his next-door neighbor’s house, after all.

(Fair warning for all you persnickety pumpernickels: this transaction actually went down last December (2016) and it may (or may not) have already been written about by one of our fellow real estate publications. But we feel like writing about it now so shove off, mkay?)

The house itself is nothing remarkable, but the view, the grassy backyard, and the huge pool are all to die for, Yolanda thinks. Sited on a generous 1.08-acre lot, the two-parcel property is completely walled, gated, and high-hedged so that the relatively tiny (by celebrity standards) 2,164-square-foot main structure is all but invisible from the road out front.

Right away guests will certainly be wowed by the shimmering sea views that are visible from grass-and-stone-motorcourt out front. The emerald-green grass, which appears to stretch all the into the ocean, is a stunning (if expensive and wasteful!) touch. There’s also a massive pine tree which is positioned just close enough to the pool to worry Yolanda. Pine cones, needles, roots and all. Sorry — we’re a mite bit OCD like that.

This is Yolanda’s idea of a dream beach house: clean, open, simple, and (mostly) uncluttered. We love the white walls and hardwood floors. Cool stove, bro.

Most stunning of all, however, is the pool. The simple rectangular shape only serves to accentuate its size — this thing is massive. Unfortunately, we don’t think the photos here do a good job at visually communicating how big this thing is. Just trust Yolanda, it’s huge. Practically as big as the house.

The seller of the property, records reveal, was an LLC controlled by an internet entrepreneur named Brian Kariger. Our Mr. Kariger has a whole boatload of money thanks to the $100 million windfall he got when he sold his Dictionary.com website thing some years ago.

Property records show Mr. Kariger originally paid $6,000,000 for the house back in September 2012, which means he nearly doubled his investment when he sold the unchanged house to Mr. White just four years later. Y’all may be interested to know that Mr. Kariger had purchased the property from Mike Fleiss, who is the same guy that sold Mr. White his other house next door. It seems that Mr. Fleiss at one time also owned both homes, and now The ex-Flying Tomato has reunited the old compound.

If Yolanda’s maths are correct, Mr. White has now spent a fat $19,690,000 for his multi-structure Point Dume estate. And while a $20 million compound might be more than even most millionaires can afford — that’s creeping up close to billionaire territory, honestly — these aren’t even Mr. White’s only multi-million dollar homes.

The rich redhead — whose formerly long, luscious locks have sadly been shorn — paid $6,400,000 in August 2015 for a 4,500-square-foot spec-built contemporary in the Hollywood Hills. Last month, Mr. White flipped the property back onto the market with a $6,950,000 pricetag. Lo and behold, the house is already in escrow, according to the MLS. Lucky fellow!

Down in the San Diego County city of Escondido (CA), Mr. White also holds a blufftop house with gorgeous vistas of the Pacific Ocean. Property records indicate he coughed up $3,850,000 for the 4-bed, 5-bath, 3,500-square-foot structure back in August 2012. This March (2017), the house — which has been extensively renovated during Mr. White’s tenure as owner — was listed on the open market with a $7,995,000 ask. It remains available at the same price.

Our boy also keeps a modest condo in the winter resort town of Park City, Utah. That’s what you can afford to do when you’ve won 10 ESPYs, two Olympic golds, and hold the record for most X-games gold medals, ever. Not to mention a clothing/accessories line sold at Target, sponsorships with Burton, Oakley and Stride gum, a partnership with GoPro cameras and a band signed to Warner Brothers.

Whew! Did we mention this guy is only 30? Yolanda gets plum tuckered out just thinking about all that!

Anyway, if Mr. White is planning on making Malibu his full-time home — as it would seem — he won’t have to worry about having to borrow a cup of sugar — or whatever — from some non-celeb Joe Schmo across the street. Just a few of his famous Point Dume neighbors include Bob Dylan, Owen Wilson, Julia Roberts, Chris Martin, Don Rickles, Kid Rock, Sean Penn, and Gerard Butler.

Yolanda’s oft-mentioned friend Vlad the Revealer at the Celebrity Address Aerial frequently challenges us to investigate properties that have indications of being owned by an anonymous celebrity. Not that Yolanda is one to toot her own horn, but it usually doesn’t take us too long to suss out the owner’s identity. Occasionally, however, your gurl gets plain stumped! Such was the case with a stylish mid-century modern house located in the Hollywood foothills just above the bustling city of West Hollywood.

This particular house sold in a secret off-market deal more than a year ago. Property records reveal, however, that the sale price was $3,550,000 and the property was acquired by a blind trust linked to a well-known business manager with many celebrity clients. And given that the house sits right in the middle of a street that is notoriously home to multiple (in)famous folks, it was an instant given that the buyer was a star of some sort. But who? Try as we might, Yolanda just couldn’t figure it out, not for the longest gosh-darn time.

Oh, and we say “notoriously”, kids, because this street — which lies directly above the legendary Chateau Marmont — is home to one of those publicity hoggin’ Kardashians. You may recall that last July (2016), young Miss Kendall Jenner famously forked out $6,500,000 for a big modern house sold by married actors John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.

Miss Jenner, of course, straightaway called every gossip columnist in town and sternly told them to write about her new mansion and how very rich she is. So when an overzealous — ahem — fan showed up on her driveway one night and asked for her hand in marriage or some such silliness, Yolanda kinda thought she’d be game! But, alas — apparently it was not meant to be. That sassy Miss Jenner called the cops! She sure did! But not before she dialed up a few of her closest paparazzi friends to photograph the future Keeping up with the Kardashians storyline for posterity, duh.

Oh, puh-leeeeze. Come on now, gurl.

But for real — ain’t it a bit odd that these Kardashians have stalkers? If Yolanda were the arrested dude, we’d have picked someone a bit more interesting to obsess over. Miss Jenner has a pretty face but all the personality of a Maytag washing machine. We’re not hatin’, we’re just sayin’.

Anyway, after the incident, Miss Jenner went on Jimmy Kimmel’s show where she blabbed some more about her big new house and found out that her neighbors — unsurprisingly — hate her damn guts. You see, kiddies, Mr. Kimmel lives directly across the street from Miss Jenner. Ain’t that something?

We digress. And enough about those krazy Kardashians.

As they say, good things come to those who wait. Or something like that, right? After eons of sleepless nights, Yolanda finally discovered that the buyer of the aforementioned house is 27-year-old ingénue Dakota Johnson.

The Porsche-driving Miss Johnson is an actress and a Tinseltown scion, of course. Her big break came about when she scored the lead actress role in the film adaption of that freaky sex-fest book Fifty Shades of Grey, which made her an international star and grossed more than half a billion bucks worldwide. Miss Johnson has since reprised her role in the following two Fifty Shades films.

Of course, Miss Johnson is also the daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, the latter of whom has been bouncing around Hollywood since she was a tot. Miss Johnson’s maternal grandmother is the fabulous Tippi Hedren, who killed itk in one of Yolanda’s all-time favorite films: Hitchcock’s The Birds.

Yolanda hears from a good source that Miss Johnson only moved into her new Sunset Strip pad within the last few weeks. But lest you think she’s following Miss Jenner around, think again. Remember, Miss Johnson purchased this house way back in January 2016 — a full six months before Kendall Jenner came and tore up the neighborhood. Got it?

And yes, the house lies just two doors up from Jimmy Kimmel. Besides him and Miss Jenner, our gurl Sandra Bullock also owns a home on this same dead-end street.

Built in 1947 by revered mid-century architect Carl Maston, the wood-framed house features a living room with floor-to-ceiling glass walls and a kitchen with top-of-the-line appliances and Carrara marble countertops.

There are 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms within 3,210-square-feet of living space — the commodious master suite has wooden walls and a generous city-lights view.

The quarter-acre site features a lovely pool and lush grounds, plus outdoor entertainment options that include a BBQ and a firepit. Naturally, the property is completely walled, gated, and secured with cameras and all that jazz.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Yolanda is pressed for time today and we got lots more juicy stories coming up, so give your neighborhood Kardashian a bone, put them outside to go potty, and stay tuned.

Miss Johnson’s agent: Jason Oppenheim, The Oppenheim Group

It’s no secret that the once-gritty but now mostly-gentrified (yet still bohemian!) seaside community of Venice (CA) is exceptionally expensive. Leading the unstoppable price surge has been the rise of Silicon Beach and the hundreds tech companies that have infiltrated the area. Google, YouTube, Buzzfeed, Facebook — all have offices in the area. And then, of course, there’s Snapchat. The bizarrely-popular messaging app started in Pacific Palisades — at the home of Evan Spiegel‘s wealthy father — before soon moving to a wee beach bungalow in Venice, where it’s been annoying the pitchfork-wielding neighbors since 2013. From there, the app has grown exponentially and gobbled up tons of real estate.

Our Mr. Spiegel is unquestionably the Snapchat superstar, the somwhat-douchey face to the business. The Ferrari-driving jetsetter will soon be married to supermodel Miranda Kerr and together they live in a huge Brentwood mansion that once belonged to Harrison Ford.

His co-founder Bobby Murphy, however, — despite having similar wealth and power — is a “virtually unknown entity” outside of the company. In contrast to his high-profile business partner/former college buddy, the 28-year-old billionaire lives quietly in Venice with his long-time lady love, wife Kelsey Bateman. The pair met as undergrad students at Stanford and have been together ever since. (Random side note: one of Yolanda’s best friends also happens to be good friends with Ms. Bateman. Real small world! But we digress.)

Despite his low-key nature, you may recall that Snapchat recently went public and made both Mr. Spiegel and Mr. Murphy multi-billionaires. So it’s only natural that Mr. Murphy — now one of the richest men in Los Angeles — might want to invest some of that cash into a (relatively) safe haven like real estate. And so he has — quietly, of course.

Back in June 2016, powerhouse film director Louis Leterrier sold his microscopic (784-square-foot) Venice cottage for a throat-constricting $4,950,000 to a mysterious LLC. A few months later (March 2017) another cottage in a less sexy area of Venice sold for $2,265,000 to a different LLC. Both corporate entities, y’all may be interested to know, link back to the very same LA law firm.

Much to Yolanda’s surprise, a little investigation reveals that both corporate entities are controlled by a guy named Robert Cornelius Murphy — better known as our boy Mr. Bobby Murphy, of course. We were surprised, kiddies, because we imagined a big billionaire like Mr. Murphy would be ready for a huge fancy new mansion somewhere and not two tiny (albeit obscenely expensive) Venice shacks.

Seems his loyalty to the neighborhood runs deep. Kinda admirable in a way, no?

Mr. Murphy’s largest purchase to date (that Yolanda knows of) is above. Yeah, we know she’s not much to look at, but this thing really did sell for $5 million. No lie!

For those of you wondering what would possess Mr. Murphy to pay more than $6,000 per square foot for this cottage, keep in mind that it is located in one the of Venice’s loveliest areas — and on a privately-situated double lot that fronts a little-used pathway. The .16-acre property may seem meager to most folks but it’s actually quite large for this tightly-packed neighborhood.

Anyway, the current 1922 structure includes just two bedrooms and one measly bathroom. There’s also a medieval dining room table — if it can be called that — a dated (but cheerful!) kitchen with sea-blue tile, and a wooden deck overlooking the immense (for Venice) backyard.

At 1,611-square-feet, Mr. Murphy’s other new Venice house is much larger than the first structure, but it’s still microscopic by billionaire standards.

Located east of Lincoln Boulevard, the 1952 residence has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, plus a two-car garage. There’s nice hardwood floors, a kitchen with newer appliances and a center island, and plenty of outdoor space. The .18-acre property sports lush tropical landscaping.

Yolanda confesses we are uncertain about what Mr. Murphy’s intentions are for these properties, but as far as we know both structures remain standing. And somehow Yolanda kinda doubts he’ll destroy them to put up some tacky monstrosity. We don’t think he’s really that type of guy. We could be wrong.

Mr. Murphy and Ms. Bateman’s current main residence (above) is a boxy 2,250-square-foot house located just a block or so from the Venice beach (and walking distance to Snapchat headquarters!). The 2-bed/2.5-bath contemporary was completed in 2013 and purchased that same year by Mr. Murphy for $2,100,000.

Altogether, Yolanda’s maths show that Mr. Murphy has spent $9,315,000 on his three Venice homes. That’s a ton of money to almost every other 28-year-old guy, but certainly not one who happens to be worth $4.5 billion (per Forbes).

Yolanda may be far too old to understand the Snapchat phenomenon, but apparently there are 150 million young’uns out there who do enjoy it. And they have made our Mr. Murphy, in case we didn’t already mention it, an unusually rich young man. And his real estate story is just now beginning!

Listing agent (first property): Kerry Ann Sullivan, Halton Pardee and Partners
Listing agent (second property): Todd Stein, Campbell Wellman Properties
Mr. Murphy’s agent: Todd Stein, Campbell Wellman Properties

Y’all should know that many of these crazy celebrities are millionaires dozens of times over. After all, lots of these folks like to remind us how very rich and important they are, of course. And many also have hulking mansions to match their hefty bank accounts. That’s all just peachy.

But it takes more than just one or two mansions to meet Yolanda’s criteria for being a real estate baller, kiddies. And when we think of celebrity R.E. ballers, just a handful of names immediately spring to mind. Poor Nic Cage was one until he spectacularly crashed and burned some years ago (amid much schadenfreude on Yolanda’s part, we’re afraid). Today’s short list, we think, is ruled by two wealthy (and very famous) ladies. Their names are Taylor Swift and Sandra Bullock, and they each own a truly mind-boggling amount of property. It seems these women (wisely, we think) have chosen to invest their massive paychecks back into prime real estate — to the tune of way more than $50 million in property for each.

Now let’s quickly shift topics. Los Angeles is a very different (real estate) beast than the Big Apple. Condo/co-op living here is just starting to catch on, and who knows if it will ever actually become a big thing, right? But there are some cool new buildings like The Century and The Carlyle with fancy units that command mansion-sized pricetags.

Perhaps the most coveted – or at least the most star-powered — condo building in LA, however, is the (in)famous Sierra Towers, which was actually built way back in the 1960s. Situated at the junction of Beverly Hills and West Hollywood and just a quick skip off the world-famous Sunset Strip, the 31-story building is as well-known for its big-name residents as it is for its unique mid-century modern architecture and irreplaceable location more than 2 miles from any other similarly-sized high-rises.

Former Sierra Towers celebrity residents include everyone from the undead Cher to video vixen Tawny Kitaen to billionaire David Geffen to windy candle crooner Elton John to trouble-making tabloid trainwreck Lindsay Lohan to Sprinkles cupcake mogul Candace Nelson.

Current celeb residents include Adam Sandler, PJ Harvey, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Courteney Cox, Judith Regan, Burt Sugarman and Mary Hart, Joan Collins, and several other folks whose names unfortunately slip our minds. (No shade!)

Then there are the billionaire businesspeople. Tom Gores, Karen Lo, Bruce Makowsky, Michael Milken, Nicolas Berggruen, Peter Morton, and Evan Metropoulos all keep crash pads here — though (for the most part) their primary residences are elsewhere.

Anyway, the point of all that name-dropping (so LA of us!) is to drive home that the building attracts an exceptionally rich and extraordinarily famous crowd. And Yolanda does not mind admitting that we’ve been more than a wee bit obsessed with this building for years.

But we digress. Also on the residents list is none other than the aforementioned Ms. Sandra Bullock. Our wealthy gurl – for a several years she was Hollywood’s highest-paid actress — made her first splash in the building back in February 2014, when she forked out $3,550,000 for a 2-bedroom, 2.5-bathroom unit on the 22nd floor.

This apartment was formerly owned (from 2005 to 2011) by Friends royalty-rich actor Matthew Perry, for what it’s worth. The 1,672-square-foot unit sits on the southeast corner of the building and overlooks the city of West Hollywood and the skyline of Downtown LA.

That’s all fine and dandy. But a couple months ago, a larger unit on the 20^th floor sold for $5,130,000 in a totally off-market deal to a provocatively-named corporate entity with an Austin (Texas) address. Yolanda just happens to know — for a fact — that the new owner is none other than our Ms. Bullock. Again.

The 2,101-square-foot unit was originally a 2-bed/3-bath, but at some point was “downsized” to a 1-bed/2-bath situation. Yes, you read right — Ms. Bullock just paid more than $5 million for a one-bedroom apartment. Yowza!

Interestingly enough, it appears that Ms. Bullock’s two apartments are not contiguous in any way. Her new unit sits two floors down from her original purchase and on the opposite side of the building. From its southwest corner perch, it overlooks the city of Beverly Hills and out to the Pacific Ocean. Because this was a totally off-market deal, however, Yolanda unfortunately has no photos of the new apartment to share. We apologize and beg forgiveness.

So why would she buy this place? Maybe she’s just really rich and wanted a different view of LA? Or perhaps it is yet another investment purchase by our gurl. By Yolanda’s count, Ms. Bullock – a single mother of two adopted children – owns no fewer than 15 properties spread out over several states.

Ms. Bullock’s portfolio includes: a multi-million dollar house in New Orleans, a multi-million dollar house on Georgia’s Tybee Island, a multi-million dollar house in Austin, an additional six properties — at least — in Austin (some of which appear to be commercial), and a multi-million dollar apartment in New York City’s trendy SoHo neighborhood. There’s also a secluded mini-ranch in Jackson Hole (Wyoming). And then, of course, there are her four properties in LA, including her two Sierra Towers units and her house on Marmont Avenue in the Hollywood Hills (some of her nearest neighbors there are Kendall Jenner, Jimmy Kimmel, and Dakota Johnson).

Easily the largest and most expensive home in Ms. Bullock’s portfolio, however, is her massive and legendary Tudor-style mansion up in the Beverly Hills (Post Office) area. Ms. Bullock forked out a hefty $16,190,000 for the house back in 2011. This property, y’all may recall, was the scene of a terrifying stalker situation back in 2014, when a crazed fan somehow infiltrated Ms. Bullock’s house and was wandering around her attic looking for her. Yikes! Time for some full-time bodyguards, Ms. Bullock.

Anyway, back to our gurl’s new Sierra Towers pad. From a careful perusal of property records, Yolanda can tell that Ms. Bullock will not be sharing the 20th floor with any other celebrities, at least not those of the Hollywood variety. Four of the five other units on that floor are owned by various non-famous women. The fifth unit, however — which lies directly across the hall from Ms. Bullock’s — is owned by multi-billionaire fellow real estate baller Tom Gores.

And how’s this for a few degrees of real estate separation? Tom Gores’ new $100 million mega-mansion happens to be right down the street and around the corner from Sandra Bullock’s huge Angelo Drive house. It’s a small world out there in the ultra-high-end real estate market. But we digress.

We don’t know Ms. Bullock, but she seems like a nice lady and a smart cookie and thus we don’t doubt she can afford to keep the lights on in all these homes and many more, too. All the same, Yolanda can’t help but gasp at the thought of how much her total monthly upkeep and maintenance bill must be. For crying out loud, the HOA fees for Sierra Towers run something like $2,600 per unit per month. Multiply that by two and multiply that by twelve and it’s a good bet that Ms. Bullock will be shelling out something like $62,000 per year just for association dues in that building alone.

Better keep churning out those hits, Ms. Bullock. Time for Ms. Congeniality Part 3? (Say it ain’t so!)

For whatever reason, the ultra-high-end real estate market in Malibu has been sizzlin’ hot this year. Normally, kids, we only see maybe one or two sales per year up in that rarefied billionaires-only arena ($30 million+). But there have already been at least five in 2017 — and we ain’t even halfway through!

Y’all should already know about the record-busting $85 million transaction that saw David Geffen selling his Carbon Beach spread to an out-of-state billionaire businessman and his wife. Also well-known is how Hong Kong billionaire Karen Lo paid $70 million for an epic — if infamous — blufftop compound in guard-gated Serra Retreat. Larry Ellison added another trophy Carbon Beach mansion (it’s his thirteenth house on that beach) to his portfolio for the paltry sum of $48 million, and a famous philanthropist sold her contemporary Malibu Colony casa for $36 million to a billionaire financier (more on that coming soon, we promise).

Quick on the heels of all those off-market deals comes yet another huge splash of moolah. This one, however, involves a multi-structure compound in the proverbial heart of Malibu’s coveted and super-prime Paradise Cove neighborhood. Paradise Cove, in case y’all aren’t familiar with Malibu geography, lies much further up the coast than Carbon Beach, Serra Retreat, or Malibu Colony. And it’s just Yolanda’s opinion, but we think Paradise Cove is the nicest area of the city. It’s the place where Yolanda would choose to plunk down the cash, had we tens of millions of dollars to spend on a house in Malibu.

But we already digress. This particular blufftop compound was never on the market, but records reveal it traded hands in April (2017) for a whopping $38,500,000. The seller, records also reveal, was Home Shopping Network‘s favorite vitamin pusher: Andrew Lessman. The buyer, perhaps surprisingly, is not a billionaire financier or foreign potentate but rather a local and long-married designer couple named Richard and Laurie Lynn Stark.

Mr. & Mrs. Stark, if you haven’t heard of them, are the unlikely entrepreneurs who own and operate the wildly successful and celebrity-loved Chrome Hearts lifestyle brand. They design everything from jewelry to furniture to staplers to incense — and just about anything in between.

We say “unlikely” entrepreneurs because the couple had little conventional experience in business before they started their company nearly 30 years ago, back in 1988. Our Mr. Stark was a carpenter who also sold leather hides to manufacturers. As for Mrs. Stark, she is a graduate of LA’s Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising (FIDM) who — prior to Chrome Hearts — designed her own swimwear line that was briefly carried by Fred Segal. Oh, and she’s got more than 23,000 followers on that Instagram thingamajig.

It was Mr. Stark who founded the company with his two roommates. The trio began making clothes for their famous friends — the Sex Pistols, Guns ‘N Roses, Cher — until one day they got their big break thanks to Tommy Perse’s iconic Maxfield outlet.

Mr. Perse apparently saw the sales potential in the goth-luxe Chrome Hearts line and placed the items in his store. Soon Bergdorf’s was calling and Vogue ran a spread of models photographed wearing Chrome Hearts gear. And the rest is, well, history.

In 1992, Mr. Stark had a falling-out with his partners and bought them out of the business. That was a wise choice, Yolanda thinks. Ever since then, Laurie Stark has been Mr. Stark’s business partner. And this couple is ludicrously wealthy partially because they don’t have any other owners to split the profits with. Must be nice!

Despite all their celebrity associations, the Starks and Chrome Hearts remain deliberately low-profile, even secretive. They don’t do e-commerce, they rarely advertise, and don’t even dare ask for an interview. They only recently joined Instagram — where they already have more than 400,000 followers, if you’re counting. It’s a tight-lipped operation and that’s the way they like it. And that rules-flouting has helped keep the brand cool and hip through the decades, eh? In addition to their stores in LA and Malibu, Chrome Hearts has locations in London, Miami, Las Vegas, and recently opened a massive new flagship store in New York City (Mrs. Stark did deign to talk to the Hollywood Reporter about that one).

But it is Asia, Yolanda thinks, where the lion’s share of Chrome Hearts profits come from. The line has 19 brick-and-mortar locations on that continent, including 10 in Japan alone. Describing it as incredibly popular over there perhaps doesn’t do it justice. Our Mr. & Mrs. Stark can thank the many big-name Japanese celebrities who worship the label for their massive fanbase out there, we think.

And rest assured the Starks aren’t peddling their wares at Macy’s prices. A pair of sunglasses can easily run y’all $2,000. Fancy a hand-carved dining room table? That’ll be at least $250,000, please. Oh, and don’t count on any of those “buy one get one half off” sales anytime soon.

The Starks have three children, a daughter in her early 20s and teenage twins.

But let’s get back on track and discuss the Stark real estate. Though the property has a Pacific Coast Highway address, their new compound actually lies off the main highway on a wee little lane. A wrought iron gate swings open and the long driveway continues down the to the smallish motorcourt. It appears to Yolanda that there are no fewer than four separate structures on the property, none of which is anything resembling a mansion.

If you wanna talk prices, the 2.77-acre compound previously sold back in July 2012 for just $13,000,000. It doesn’t appear that Mr. Lessman tore down the existing structures, but he must’ve made significant renovations for the property to have tripled in value within five years, right? Let’s hope so. Below are photos of the property from back in 2012 that may or may not be accurate representations of its current state.

Naturally, the main selling point is the glorious view and easy access (via a twisty staircase) to Malibu’s best beach. The main house (it’s more like a cottage, really) was built in 1946 and sports 3 bedrooms, a living room, and a trellised patio overlooking the beach. There’s also a large “back house” that apparently — according to the old listing — has 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. Hmmm. It doesn’t look very big so Yolanda is a bit skeptical of those numbers, but okay.

Now, fair warning for y’all: it is time to fasten your real estate safety belts. Why? Because a quick stroll through property records reveals that Mr. & Mrs. Stark maintain a ludicrously expensive portfolio of luxury homes that together are worth in excess of $100 million. And those are just the ones Yolanda knows about. Seriously, kids, we don’t know the Starks’ net worth, but these people are as ballerific as they come. Who knew peddlin’ hand-carved jewelry (and lots of other things) could be so lucrative?

In addition to their new, nearly-$40 million spread on Paradise Cove, the Starks own and maintain no fewer than six other multi-million dollar homes in Malibu. In the guard-gated Serra Retreat community, they own a multi-acre compound that happens to be only a two-minute walk from the much larger property that — as already mentioned — recently sold for $70 million to a lady from Hong Kong.

Records show that the Starks paid $3,000,000 exactly for this 2.93-acre estate back in 1996. There appears to be a brick-surrounded pool plus a proper north/south tennis court and even horse stables with a riding area. The rambling two-story main house has 5,833-square-feet with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms.

Oh, did we mention that the Starks also love the guard-gated and super-expensive Malibu Colony community? Because they do. Records reveal they own not one, not two, but three different homes within the gates, a couple of which are currently available for rent.

The first of their three Colony houses (above) is an oceanfront situation for which they paid $4,750,000 way back in 2003. The itty-bitty cottage has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in a shack-sized 1,167-square-feet. But it’ll still run you a hefty $75,000 per month to rent this place.

The Starks also lay claim to a somewhat bedraggled-lookin’ house on the land side of Malibu Colony. Property records say this pool-equipped place has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in 1,534-square-feet of living space. Our Mr. & Mrs. Stark forked out $4,225,000 for the house in late 2016, at which time it looked abandoned and in need of fixin’.

And finally, the most impressive of their three Malibu Colony homes is a wood-sided structure with 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in 2,690-square-feet. Property records show that the Starks paid $4,000,000 to acquire this property in 2001. The unique thing about this house, kiddies, is that it is the very last house on the south side of the Colony and thus has incredible southward views plus a fat 48 feet of beach frontage.

The gated and heavily secured structure has an updated kitchen, light-flooded rooms, and an outdoor deck that’s perfect for soaking up the rays. Looks nice, huh? Well, you’re in luck — you can live just like the fancy Mr. & Mrs. Stark for the low, low price of $140,000 per month.

Seem pricey? Perhaps, but think of it this way: a three-month stay in this house would barely cover a full year of property taxes alone on the Starks’ new Paradise Cove compound. Yikes!

In addition to their homes on Paradise Cove and in Serra Retreat and Malibu Colony, Mr. & Mrs. Stark also own at least two more Malibu homes, both located in the rugged hills high above Pacific Coast Highway.

So obviously this couple really loves Malibu. But don’t think they’re stuck in that little beachy bubble — they visit other places, too. Back in January 2015, Mr. & Mrs. Stark hopped on their private jet and laid out a breathtaking $23,500,000 for a gorgeous (and historic!) 128-acre ranch in the billionaire winter playground of Aspen, Colorado.

Little Woody Creek Ranch (also known as the Catto Ranch) is achingly picturesque and includes three single-family homes plus caretakers’ quarters, dozens of acres of grass and woodlands, and even two natural ponds — mini lakes, if you prefer.

Back in 1982, the ranch was sold for just $460,000 to Henry Catto, the U.S. Ambassador to El Salvador under Nixon, chief of protocol to the White House & State Department and the U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. under the Ford administration; a consultant to President Carter, and Ambassador to Britain and head of the U.S. Information Agency under the first President Bush. Whew! That’s quite a diplomatic life.

The ranch has its own claim to fame: it’s the place where President George H.W. Bush and Margaret Thatcher met when Iraq invaded Kuwait and is where they both agreed the invasion could not be tolerated. So you can think of this ranch — peaceful and far removed from manmade troubles though it may seem — as the kickoff to the Gulf War.

Now then, kids. In case you still don’t realize how very rich Mr. and Mrs. Stark are, let’s take a peek at the — ahem — “starter” house that was purchased by their adult daughter Jesse Jo Stark a couple years ago.

In December 2014, the then-23-year-old Jesse Jo (JoJo for short) paid an eyebrow-raising $4,600,000 for a Colonial-style house on one of the best streets in all of Santa Monica. Records reveal the home was sold by band-aid heiress Libet Johnson.

The musically-inclined and Instagram-famous Chrome Hearts heiress — whose godmother is Cher and who just released a fashion collaboration with her best friend Bella Hadid — lays claim to a .28-acre property with a family-sized 3,102-square-feet of living space with 4 bedrooms (including a maid’s room) and 4 bathrooms, plus a pool, a pizza oven, a library, a guest house, a kitchen with top-grade appliances, and a sauna.

How many 23-year-olds do you know that live like that? Not many, Yolanda would wager.

And there’s yet still more real estate. Records show that the Stark family lays claim to a luxury condo in Santa Monica (CA) and a huge swath of land in Calabasas (CA). Yolanda imagines the Stark family must also own something in New York — where their Chrome Hearts flagship store is located — but sorry kids, we really don’t know anything about that.

Oh, and just for shits and giggles: one of Mr. & Mrs. Stark’s nearest new neighbors on Paradise Cove is soap opera scion Bill Bell Jr. and his art-collecting wife Maria Arena Bell. The Bells recently pissed off all their neighbors to Timbuktu and beyond when they installed an unpermitted 45-foot tall sculpture in the front yard of their massive estate. This would’ve normally been okay, of course, except that this particular sculpture looked like a giant penis and was — we repeat — 45 damn feet tall.

After repeated entreaties by the city, who came close to filing criminal charges against the couple, the Bells finally disassembled the blufftop blight a couple months ago. RIP.

Yolanda’s bit of unsolicited advice to the Starks: don’t put up any sculptures of massive, engorged penises and y’all should be just fine.

Mr. & Mrs. Stark’s agent: Chris Cortazzo, Coldwell Banker

NOTE: (Yolanda wanted to write about something a wee bit offbeat today. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon, we promise).

Close your eyes, think really hard, and you all may recall a simpler time back in the day. It wasn’t so long ago, really. We’re talking back in 2007. Obama hadn’t yet entered the Oval Office, but Yolanda was still collecting social security. And back then, there weren’t $100 million mega-mansion sales closing left and right and Starship Enterprise-looking hilltop contemporaries fetching $70 million in cash.

Houses were still going like hotcakes, of course. In 2007, home values were wildly inflated and hurtling toward a Niagara Falls-sized price precipice with alarming alacrity. Yet even the most optimistic onlookers — those who didn’t see the oncoming recession through their rose-tinted real estate glasses — could not have anticipated the dramatic upswing of a roller-coaster ride in home values that was to come over the next decade. And certainly not the outrageously expensive real estate that has defined 2017.

A recent market report from real estate data aggregator CoreLogic highlights the fact that the median home value in Los Angeles County has officially tied the pre-recession high-water mark set in summer 2007. In some tony neighborhoods, however, that record was surpassed months or even years ago. Values have skyrocketed without regard to wage increases, taxes, or political events. And Yolanda really can’t think of an neighborhood that illustrates that dramatic upswing better than a certain area of Beverly Hills. Today we’ve picked a particular property out there that y’all might find intriguing — not for the architectural quality of the (demolished) house itself, but just because of the major-league profits all its (many) recent owners have made on the land without doing anything besides holding the deed, basically. Let’s set the scene.

In 2007, a wealthy British entrepreneur named Peter Jones forked over $7,470,000 for a ho-hum mid-century house near the tippy-top of Hillcrest Drive in the fiendishly expensive Trousdale Estates neighborhood of Beverly Hills. From what we recall, the single-story 1958 structure had four bedrooms, a circular motorcourt and a pool.

It seems, however, that our British boy soon tired of his Bev Hills house. Or maybe he just wanted to make a quick profit off it? Who knows. But poor Mr. Jones tried to unload the beotch for several years during the recession. Yolanda recalls the house was listed at 9.something million during 2009 and 2010. The price inexplicably jumped to an even-steven $10 million in 2011 before being removed from the market. It would seem that our guy had failed on his quest.

But then, lo and behold, here came a hedge-fund-rich east coast couple named Ed & Valerie Parisi. The Parisis, bless their wealthy hearts, plunked down a shocking $12,500,000 for the property in an off-market deal in March 2013.

$12.5 million?! That’s $2.5 million more than Mr. Jones’ last asking price! Can y’all imagine anything more outrageous? The nerve!

Did our Mr. Jones think he got super-lucky with these silly Parisi folks? Maybe. Probably. So Yolanda is pretty damn sure he was surprised when Mr. & Mrs. Parisi almost immediately demolished the existing house and then — in March 2014 — flipped the now-vacant land (in another off-market deal) for a staggering $15,000,000 to a globe-trotting scoundrel named Khadem Al Qubaisi.

Mr. Al Qubaisi – an Emirati by birth — was likely more concerned about getting his ill-gotten billions into a relatively safe haven (like US real estate) than he was about overpaying for a one-acre patch of prime Beverly Hills land by a couple million bucks. The car-collecting fellow (he reportedly owned no fewer than four different $2 million Bugattis during his high-flying days in the 2012-2015 time frame) essentially left the plot of land untouched during his period of ownership.

Right around this time was when the ginormous deals really started to roll in. Bruce Makowsky sold his spec mansion a couple doors away for a logic-defying $70,000,000 (in cash) to Minecraft billionaire Markus Persson. And then the house next door – a sprawling Mexican-influenced mid-century on a similarly-sized one-acre lot – sold for $35,300,000 to hedge funder David Kabiller. As a teardown, mind you.

So with those sorts of sales, why couldn’t this property command a similarly nonsensical pricetag?

Why not, indeed? In summer 2016, Mr. Al Qubaisi ran into some serious legal trouble and his Hillcrest vacant lot was seized by the US Department of Justice (as was his $30+ million Beverly Hills mansion, but we digress). At the time of seizure, the property was already quietly in escrow. After some twisting and tuggin’, the DoJ allowed the sale to go through and the property transferred for $22,400,000 to a private equity bazillionaire named Alex Soltani.

At the time of the sale, Yolanda figured Mr. Soltani might be wanting to build himself a sumptuous trophy compound. An homage to his exceptionally hefty bank account, if you will. But it was not to be!

Property records shockingly show that a mere two months he acquired the lot – in December 2016 – Mr. Soltani flipped the vacant property in yet another off-market deal for a faint-inducing $32,000,000. The buyer in this case was a corporate entity controlled by the family of a low-profile Thai businessman named Chatchaval Jiaravanon. Our Mr. Jiaravanon’s father, you may be interested to know, is a guy named Sumet Jiaravanon who happens to be a Bangkok-based multi-billionaire.

Think about that, kiddies. The ink was barely dry on the deed before Mr. Soltani earned himself a fat $9.6 million (before taxes and real estate fees) on this piece of dirt. If that’s not a reflection of how detached from reality this real estate market has become, we’re quite certain we don’t know what is.

Anyway, what Mr. Jiaravanon has planned with this land remains to be seen for certain – but Yolanda can only imagine he’ll eventually try to flip it yet again for another fat profit. It’s what the previous four owners did, after all. And it worked out quite well for them, wouldn’t y’all say?

And after all, the asking prices keep getting crazier. The house next door, a spec mega-mansion created by spec mega-mansion specialist Nile Niami, is named “Opus” (lol) and is listed for a breathtaking $100 million. It hasn’t sold yet, of course, but if it does and if it goes for anywhere near the ask…

Yolanda wonders if there is something these billionaires know about upper Hillcrest drive that we have yet to learn. Is there a gold mine buried up there? A copious supply of oil burbling below the surface? And will their relentless enthusiasm for this cul-de-sac be dimmed when the market goes through yet another dive ‘n dip in the future?

Remember, kids — history has a strange way of repeating itself.

We know everyone and their grandmother’s caretaker’s pet cat Rusty and his female feline friend Laquisha have written about this one already, but Yolanda just can’t resist dropping our quick and useless two cents on this unprecedented and quintessentially LA home purchase that involves a major-league celebrity and a big piece of Hollywood history.

First, a disclaimer. Yes, we know the real estate market is sizzlin’ hot right now. We reference that in almost every story we write. Yes, we know the Los Feliz area is a highly desirable, beautiful, and very expensive neighborhood. Yes, this particular house is certainly one of the best estates in the area. And yeah, it’s gorgeous.

Whew. Now that we’ve gotten that outta the way, let’s get real here. This price is absolutely ridiculous, inflated market or not. It’s more than double the record price ever paid for a home in the ‘hood. Our BFF Your Mama over at Variety — to whom we were gabbin’ about this transaction just last week — said she originally thought the house would sell for $16 million or so. Yolanda is even less generous — we think this place is actually worth about half of the ludicrous number that Ms. Jolie paid. But obviously she disagreed. And she’s got the cash, and the deal is done. So that is that.

But with all that being said, let us reiterate — there is absolutely no doubt that this place is stunning and we can totally see how someone could fall truly, madly, deeply love with it. And the Laughlin Park gated community is a great choice for both Ms. Jolie — who is known to love the LA’s Eastside — and her six children, who will now be only a mile away from daddy Brad Pitt’s own compound in Bronson Canyon.

Called the Cecil B. Demille estate for its legendary original owner, who occupied the premises from 1913 until his death in 1959, the compound currently includes a main house of 7,472-square-feet that is curiously described in marketing materials as “Beaux Arts” but is — as was pointed out by Our Mama — actually Italian Revival in architectural style. The front door leads to an elegant center hall with a curved staircase. To one side is the mahogany-paneled formal dining room with its marble fireplace; to another is the gracious living room with a fireplace of its own. Also on the main floor is an elegant (but not stuffy!) library with bookshelves (filled with real books!) that extend all the way to the ceiling.

Elsewhere there’s a kitchen with marble countertops, a vintage range that Yolanda just covets, and an attached breakfast space with a row of arched casement windows through which Ms. Jolie may peer out through the trees to the Griffith Observatory beyond. In the early 2000s, the house was restored by noted LA-based architectural firm Tichenor & Thorp for the sellers, art consultant Lisa Lyons and her poet/novelist husband Richard Grossman.

The master bedroom has hardwood floors and many sets of French doors that overlook the 2.1-acre estate’s generous grounds. Over in the master bath, there’s a built-in soaking tub.

Perhaps the most glamorous part of the estate, however, are the outdoor grounds. An overly dramatic set of concrete steps leads down, down, down from the main house to a studio building with its own entrance and motorcourt. Elsewhere is an elegantly simple rectangular swimming pool adjacent to a pool house equipped sets of mean-looking gym/fitness equipment. Just above the pool and pool house lies an ultra-petite (but very cute!) tea house.

The main house is perched atop a high knoll that affords it sweeping views of the city, Griffith Observatory, and even the Pacific Ocean (on a clear day, naturally). The entire compound — all four structures of it — features 6 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms, and a total of approximately 11,000-square-feet of living space. Y’all can decide if all of this is worth the fat $24,500,000 our gurl just spooned out.

The Laughlin Park gated community is chock-full of many other big-name showbiz homeowners, the likes of which include Natalie Portman, Mary Parent, David Fincher, Ellen Pompeo, Kristen Stewart, Casey Affleck, Lauren Graham, and will.i.am.

Yolanda congratulates Ms. Jolie on her new A-list-worthy estate. But let’s just hope she doesn’t decide to move anytime remotely soon — as certain fickle celebrity types are wont to do — because we fear that even a place this fabulous and equipped with star wattage as bright as Ms. Jolie will be hard-pressed to ever top this unicorn price. Not for many, many years. And y’all are welcome to quote Yolanda on that.

Listing agents: Brett Lawyer & Rayni Williams, Hilton & Hyland

Ever since David Geffen’s major-league Carbon Beach (or Billionaire’s Beach to you plebes) estate sold for a sanity-defying $85 million, rumors have run rampant about who the buyer could be. Yolanda first heard the new owner was a couple from Texas. Then came whispers it was a fellow from South America.

Well, life is funny sometimes. As it turns out, neither half-baked bit of gossip was at all correct. The estate was acquired by a deliberately opaque LLC that leads down a dead-end road (to an address in Miami). But Yolanda and Your Mama just happen to know that the new owners — who have already set up shop — are a Chicago-based couple named Mark & Kimbra Walter.

Y’all may be interested to know that our Mr. Walter just happens to be a multi-billionaire businessman. Born and raised in 1960s Iowa, Mr. Walter eventually migrated over to Chicago, where he graduated from Northwestern University’s school of law and went on to co-found an investment firm called Liberty Hampshire Co. From there, Mr. Walter co-founded what seems to be his career magnum opus, the global financial services juggernaut called Guggenheim Partners. Today Guggenheim has more than $260 billion in assets under management, an utterly staggering amount that Yolanda cannot even fully wrap her peanut-sized brain around.

Guggenheim’s massive success gave Mr. Walter (and his consortium of partners) the ability to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers for a record-breaking $2.15 billion back in 2012, in case you don’t recall.

But for all his vast wealth and his prominent role as controlling owner of one of the most storied franchises in all of major-league baseball, Mr. Walter continues to maintain a decidedly low profile — stepping out of the shadows only to donate $40 million to Northwestern or to purchase the Los Angeles Sparks and then disappear into the background again.

Anyway, Mr. Walter is married to a lady named Mrs. Walter (Kimbra, as we’ve said) who is an attorney by trade. Together they have a teenage daughter named Samantha. A dash through property records reveals that Mr. Walter appears to maintain a small but impressive stable of luxury residences including a recently-completed 26,000-square-foot mega-mansion in Chicago’s swanky Lincoln Park neighborhood that is built atop what were once seven different parcels of land.

In 2009, the wealthy couple paid $2,400,000 for a surprisingly modest 3,476-square-foot house just outside Aspen, Colorado in a town called Mounte Crested Butte. (Yolanda wonders if Mr. Walter might be fixin’ to upgrade his Aspen residential situation soon — a house that size just ain’t gonna cut it for a guy as rich as he, we think.

Perhaps the most impressive property in Mr. Walter’s portfolio, however, is his “White Oak Plantation” in Florida. The 7,400-acre spread in Yulee is a haven for various species of plant and animal life — some of which are endangered. The Walters — noted conservationists, apparently — paid at least $17 million or so for the privilege of owning and conserving all that land in 2013.

Now, time to discuss Mr. Walter’s latest purchase. The house — which in reality is a compound with at least three different structures — was assembled by David Geffen a very long time ago. What were originally five adjacent parcels of land were acquired by Mr. G in two different transactions (one in the 1970s, one in the 1990s) and combined into one supersized spread. Although the property has several hundred feet of frontage on PCH, about all that’s visible from the highway are nine deceptively modest-looking garage bays (at least four of which are reportedly fakes) and a towering hedge. And though the house was never officially on the open market (so we can’t confirm all details) the estate is believed to include a movie theater, a large pond, an outdoor living room, and an outdoor pool w/ spa.

In summer 2015, Mr. Geffen whisper-listed his mammoth oceanfront complex with a nice round $100 million pricetag. That shocked just about everyone, or at least Yolanda. For the life of us, we couldn’t figure out what would possess anyone to cough up 100 million clams for a house that is jammed in tight between busy-busy Pacific Coast Highway and the pounding California surf, never mind the public access-way that abuts the northern end of the property. But folks were interested. In early 2016, an enigmatic buyer put the place into escrow with an $85 million offer, but for some reason the sale ultimately fell through. (Both Yolanda and Your Mama heard the potential buyer in that case was Texas-based billionaire Michael Dell, but don’t go repeating that like it’s gospel).

Another year passed and then came Mr. Walter with another $85 million offer that really did close. For the record, this is the biggest sale ever in the city, easily blowing away the $74.5 million paid by Jim Jannard back in early 2013. And it’s quite the entrance for Mr. Walter — despite the fact that he purchased the Dodgers a full five years ago, this is his very first house in LA (as far as Yolanda knows).

Some of Mr. Walter’s new big-name neighbors include Larry Ellison (who owns no fewer than thirteen oceanfront homes on Carbon Beach), Simon Nixon, Bill Simmons, Leo DiCaprio, Joel Silver, Eli Broad, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Milken, Gerald Schwartz, Herbert Simon, Francesco Aquilini, Kevin Washington, Geoff Palmer, Haim Saban, Peter Morton, Arnon Milchan, Dr. Dre and Jamie McCourt, who coincidentally owned the Dodgers with her husband Frank before their bitter divorce forced its sell-off to Mr. Walter and Guggenheim.

Listing & Selling agent: Kurt Rappaport, Westside Estate Agency

As y’all should already know, Yolanda and several other of our real estate gossip compadres recently discussed the record-shredding $85,000,000 purchase of David Geffen’s sprawling Malibu compound by Dodgers owner Mark Walter.

A short while ago, while compiling information about the sale, Yolanda stumbled across something that we found a bit odd. The Malibu house, you see, was purchased by Mr. Walter through a very generically-named corporate entity that links back to an address in Miami (Florida). But there’s another house — another inordinately large and expensive house, mind you — in nearby Pacific Palisades that was purchased just a few months prior through another similarly-named and deliberately opaque corporate entity that happens to link back to the exact same Miami address. And like the Malibu spread, Yolanda finds no indication of a mortgage on this Pac Pal house, which suggests — but does not prove — that the transaction may have been all-cash.

Now kids, Yolanda has been in this — ahem — “business” long enough to know that most so-called coincidences aren’t really coincidences at all, not here in this loony high-end real estate world. So we initially assumed that Mr. Walter had himself big houses in both Malibu and the Palisades. Seems perfect for a billionaire, right? But we were in for a surprise.

Lo and behold, Yolanda’s due diligence uncovered that the current owner and occupant of the Pac Pal manse is not Mr. Walter but rather a woman named Alexandra Court. Records reveal that Ms. Court paid a very A-list $13,350,000 for the property, which was originally built way back in 1938 by a famous female movie star. But we’ll get to all those details in a minute — first, a bit of background on Ms. Court, who is nothing if not cosmopolitan.

Born and raised in South Africa, our gurl attended the Rustenburg School for Girls before graduating from the University of Cape Town with a law degree. From there it appears she migrated up to the UK, where she worked in corporate law for several years, including a short-lived stint at the London headquarters of Clifford Chance.

At some point, however — the how and why is unknown to Yolanda — Ms. Court made the big leap from practicing corporate law to the hard-hitting finance/money management world. Simultaneously, it seems, she left her London home base to move to New York City, where she bounced through positions at a variety of prominent investment banks like UBS and Credit Suisse.

In 2010, Ms. Court was hired on at Guggenheim Partners, where her initial title was the lofty sounding “Head of European distribution and client relationship management”. Yolanda is not certain what all that means but we do know that gig brought Ms. Court some positive attention — she was named one of the 100 Most Powerful Women in European Finance not once, not twice, but four years in a row.

Sometime in 2015, Ms. Court scored a big promotion. She now reigns supreme (over her department, at least) as Guggenheim’s Global Head of Institutional Distribution, initially based in New York City. We’re not exactly sure what responsibilities that job includes, but it certainly sounds quite major, don’t it? Particularly when the job is at a firm that manages more than a quarter of a trillion bucks in assets. And in this role — so Yolanda believes — she reports directly to Guggenheim CEO Mark Walter.

What little insight we have into Ms. Court’s job performance at Guggenheim comes from a report detailing how 22 employees were let go from their positions last April (2016). The person fingered as responsible for their dismissal, y’all may be interested to know, was none other than Ms. Court. Think about that, cuties — Ms. Court had to fire 22 people in one day! Or lay off or whatever.

Now, don’t take all that to imply Ms. Court is a bad or vindictive person. Those layoffs were probably the simple result of corporate restructuring and realignment. We’re just throwing it out there so y’all can get some background on the lady of the day.

Anyway, all folks agree that Ms. Court cuts a decidedly and unusually glamorous figure in the historically staid and conservative world of international finance around which she orbits.

We also know that Ms. Court has two young children and was — at one point — hitched to a fellow from Italy whose name currently slips our mind. To be honest, kiddies, Yolanda is unable to confirm whether Ms. Court is still married or not. And not for lack of trying. Our guess is no, but who knows. Not your gurl!

But as is our shameful habit, we digress. The inimitable Ms. Court’s huge new house is not one of those all-too-common new spec-built Pacific Palisades mansions. This place was constructed way back during the Great Depression (1938) by — according to marketing materials — Virginia Bruce, a pretty blonde Hollywood leading lady of the 1930s and 40s perhaps best-known for her frequent portrayals as the “other woman” in a handful of big-screen productions, the most notable of which is perhaps the musical drama The Great Ziegfield, in which she portrayed a character based on Frank Ziegfield Jr.’s real life mistress.

We aren’t sure when Ms. Bruce sold this house, but at some point in the 1970s or 80s it came to be owned by a non-famous attorney and his wife, who eventually sold it in April 2009 — at the height of the economic recession — for just $6,000,000 to a woman named Maryl Georgi, who claimed she knew she immediately had to have the house because she “burst into tears” the second she stepped past the entryway. Well, hot damn!

Anyway, Ms. Georgi — who we think is either the wife or ex-wife of George Soros’s hedge fund associate Richard Georgi — christened the estate “Wildrose” and renovated it with the help of in-demand contractor Paul Morrow into a lovely contemporary take on traditional. Yolanda finds the whole place rather delicious, to be honest.

The ultra-private property — let’s call the house a mix of Georgian, Colonial, and Cape Cod elements — lies at the very end of an upward sloping dead-end street and the house is completely invisible to the public, tucked away behind tall hedges and a very long driveway equipped with a security gate and cameras for watchin’ all you too-curious lookie-loos. Once past the security gate, your car turns a corner and the 8,100-square-foot mansion comes into view, along with its red-brick motor court and carefully manicured front yard.

Easily the best part of the estate is the British-style pub, which is original to the house and coated in ebonized hardwood. Our Ms. Bruce, bless her booze-lovin’ heart, installed a secret staircase from the master bedroom that leads down to the bar, which is just perfect for a late-night sip of Four Roses. What a gal!

An oversized gourmet kitchen is equipped with high-end appliances and a boxcar-sized center island plus two full-size chandeliers. The floors are an on-trend dark hardwood and the kitchen conveniently opens to a backyard patio for eating outside on a breezy summer day. Elsewhere there is a glass-walled living room that is guaranteed to bring the wows from Ms. Court’s less financially-fortunate guests.

A piano-black wooden ceiling dramatically sets off the spacious master bedroom that also contains a sitting area and fireplace. Other luxe features of the master suite include not one but two dressing rooms — at least one of which is equipped with a pricey-looking bathtub — two master bathrooms and a private balcony that looks down on the backyard’s fully stocked koi pond.

Elsewhere in the cavernous abode are at least six more bedrooms and bathrooms, all of which are fully renovated in the same comfortable yet unmistakably luxurious motif. There is also a full-sized guest/maid suite, which is (to Yolanda’s understanding) currently occupied by Ms. Court’s live-in nanny/housekeeper.

Out back, flights of steps lead to the backyard, which feels secluded to . You’d never know you’re just two minutes to Sunset Boulevard, five minutes to Pacific Coast Highway, and ten minutes to one of Yolanda’s favorite LA spots — the Brentwood Country Mart!

In addition to the koi pond, the 1.54-acre lot includes meandering pathways, a rose garden, emerald-hued lawns, fruit trees, and even a chicken coop. Oh, and if you’d like to see a video of the house (and really, what real estate aficionado would say no to a steamy video featuring some real estate porn?!), click here.

Listing and selling agent: Cindy Ambuehl, The Agency

She may be the gal to whom The Chainsmokers’ Drew Taggart famously told “Baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover that I know you can’t afford … pull the sheets right off the corner of the mattress that you stole from your roommate back in Boulder“, but the real-life Halsey is a very wealthy young woman who likely can pay cash for just about any new Range Rover model she desires (except perhaps for the $199,950 Range Rover SVAutobiography, but that’s really more of a Kylie Jenner special, in any case) and she can probably afford several California King mattresses, too. Want proof? She just forked out $2,230,000 for a luxurious Hollywood Hills house. How many 22-year-olds do you know that can keep up with that?

But look, we’re already getting ahead of ourselves. A few weeks ago, our friend Vlad the Revealer of Celebrity Address Aerial fame contacted us with a request to look into the ownership of an interesting-looking contemporary house near the tippy-top of celeb-popular Beachwood Canyon. The property recently transferred for the aforementioned $2,230,000 and was acquired by a mysterious blind trust that keeps the owner’s true identity locked up nice and tight.

But after a little slappin’ and screamin’, it wasn’t long before Yolanda discovered that the buyer is a young lass named Ashley Frangipane. Better-known to young popular music lovers around the globe as Halsey, of course.

Before we get to the house, a brief bio: Miss Frangipane — whose surname Yolanda rather loves — was born in New Jersey to a working-class family and raised primarily in Jersey and New York City. Miss Frangipane’s father is black and her mother is white. (Yolanda only mentions that last part because Miss Frangipane described herself in 2015 as tri-bi:  biracial, bisexual, and bipolar. Well, alrighty then).

The musically-inclined Miss Frangipane began posting videos of herself performing covers of hit songs sometime in the 2012/2013 time frame. In 2014 — at that point a community college dropout — Miss Frangipane recorded a song entitled “Ghost” which she posted online and which subsequently received millions of views. She signed a record deal with Astralwerks and subsequently released an EP, which gained her further attention.

The year 2015 marked the beginning of the apex of Miss Frangipane’s early career, as she began touring as an opening act for big-name artists (like Imagine Dragons) and released her debut album, Badlands, which eventually went gold.

It wasn’t until the latter part of 2016, however, that Miss Frangipane struck literal gold (well, kinda) with the song Closer. If any of y’all have never heard it, you probably live under a rock the size of Mt. Vesuvias (or maybe inside Mt. Vesuvias) because the song became one of the biggest pop music hits in recent years, spending twelve consecutive weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100 and a mind-bending 32 weeks in the chart’s top 10, which ties the all-time record. It was equally massive internationally and ended up going to #1 in about 200 other countries or some equally silly amount. It’s got more than 1.6 billion views on the YouTube and more than a billion streams on Spotify.

And yes, even old Yolanda has heard the song. And we admit to liking it — the first dozen times we heard it, at least. What? It’s damn catchy.

Keep in mind that Miss Frangipane is only featured on Closer, she ain’t the main artist (The Chainsmokers). But more importantly, she is credited as a co-writer on the song. And as anyone familiar with the music industry will tell y’all, songwriting is where the really big bucks are. Just ask Taylor Swift or Beyonce. Yolanda imagines that the royalties from Closer alone will be enough to give the very young Miss Frangipane a comfortable life for the rest of her days. Or at least enough to pay $2.23 million for hillside house.

Miss Frangipane’s new crib is rather remotely located just below the Hollywood Sign and above a riotous maze of narrow, dead-end streets. Like many Hollywood Hills homes, the structure sits hard-up on the street, but the living spaces are tucked away behind gates and tall hedges. Only the two-car garage door is visible from out front, perfect for a celebrity like our gurl.

Guests entering through the front door will either be wowed or sickened by the dizzying array of steps, wooden beams, and hues of grey and brown presented to their eyes. Kiddies, we like open floor plans and all, but this one is way too busy or maximalist or something for our delicate tastes.

Or maybe it’s the color scheme? It vaguely makes us recall man-cave or fancy frat house. Hmmm.

Listing materials say the “kitchen is perfect for entertaining” and it certainly has plenty of space and light. But it comes across as a bit frigid and sterile to your gurl. And all that wonky geometry would not help keep our daily liquid lunch down. Not one bit!

Like most other rooms of the house, the master bedroom is “interesting” with its vaulted ceiling and walls of glass opposite a rather incongruous window seat. (Yolanda actually likes this space). The master bathroom has poured concrete vanity that actually looks way better than it sounds. And while all the rage is over glass-walled shower, Miss Frangipane’s new place appears to take it one step further with a completely wall-less shower. Goodness — what will these peeps think of next?

There are a total of 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in the 2,490-square-foot house.

Various doorways and a flight of stairs lead out back to the irregularly-shaped pool. Due to the sloping natures of the hillside land, the .18-acre lot doesn’t have much of a backyard, but there is a thick privacy hedge back here too and an outdoor bbq/kitchen area. Yolanda wonders if the architect might’ve been on acid when he did up this place — we’re just sayin’.

It is Yolanda’s understanding that Miss Frangipane currently resides in this house with another young woman named Payton Selzer, a gal whom Yolanda knows little about other than there are some silly online rumors that she had a long-ago fling with none other than Harry Styles.

But we digress. Prior to purchasing her new Beachwood Canyon house, Yolanda happens to know that Miss Frangipane lived with a male Norwegian music producer known as Lido in a leased house on a Sherman Oaks hillside, on a street that lies just off Mulholland Drive. Property records show that house — a flat-roofed and updated but otherwise unremarkable mid-century modern — has 3 beds and 3 baths in 2,479-square-feet of living space and was recently re-listed for the rental sum of $7,495 per month.

Yolanda congratulates Miss Frangipane on being able to afford a multi-million dollar spread at only 22 years of age. Now have some sense, gurlie, and don’t  be stealin’ any more mattresses. You’re a big gurl and now you’ve got the moolah to step up to Williams-Sonoma. Oh, and pay off that damn Range Rover.

Listing agents: Monty Beisel & Dustin Cumming, Hilton & Hyland
Halsey’s agent: Joshua Myler, The Agency

Over the weekend, Yolanda received a steamin’ hot tip from a fellow we’ll call Whore-atio Alger. Our Mr. Alger left us a cryptic message referencing a secret sale that involves a historic Bel Air estate and a very rich film producer. The tactical Mr. Anger did not reveal the address of the estate or the name of the film producer, but after a scour through property records, Yolanda thinks we’ve tracked down the transaction in question.

In late May (2017), a rather stunning estate in one of lower Bel Air’s poshest pockets sold for $33,900,000 in an off-market deal. The seller was a billionaire Texan named H. Ross Perot Jr. and his wife Sarah (yes, those Perots). The buyer’s name, of course, is not listed in property records. Rather, he took title under cover of a corporate entity that links back to a San Francisco address. However, kiddies, said entity has long been known to be a front for Bay Area-based multi-billionaire film producer George Lucas.

We’re pretty sure anyone reading this already knows who Mr. Lucas is, but just in case: Mr Lucas has been in the big business of show for many decades and is certainly one of the all-time most financially successful people in the industry. He is probably best-known for creating and producing the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies, but he’s also the guy responsible for American Graffiti and Red Tails.

Now semi-retired, Mr. Lucas has long-resided in the Bay Area, where he lives with his second (and current) wife, businesswoman Mellody Hobson. And although he’s now in his seventies and has never (to our knowledge) owned a home in LA, Yolanda thinks we understand why he might want this place. His new $1 billion museum is gonna be built down here, duh. But enough of our jibber-jabber — let’s discuss the house.

Property records show that Mr. & Mrs. Perot paid just $18,000,000 for the estate in March 2013. Yes, kids, for those of you non-math experts, the Perots nearly doubled their money in just four years. For what it’s worth, Yolanda happens to think that Mr. Lucas overpaid by at least several million dollars for this property. But with a net worth of $5.1 billion, he can afford to spend big to get the place he wants.

Note: the images below are from 2013 and may or may not reflect the current condition/look of the Lucas estate.

Built in 1929 and “renovated to exacting standards”, the Spanish-style stunner lies about a block north of Sunset on a .89-acre lot. Naturally, the house is walled and gated and tucked behind bountiful bougainvillea bushes. The architecture itself has been kept mostly original, with small updates here and there. But all in all, Yolanda thinks this is a stunningly preserved and quintessentially LA piece of Spanish design.

We are not certain who originally built this house, but we do know the property’s most recent owners have been a series of high-profile individuals. Before Mr. Lucas and Mr. Perot, the estate was owned from 2001 to 2013 by renowned film and theater producer Freddy De Mann, who bought it from the late philanthropist Nancy Daly.

A cavernous entryway contains the main staircase, which swings majestically around an old-school wrought-iron chandelier. Elsewhere downstairs is a formal living/family room with a fireplace and lots of comfy chairs.

The kitchen and dining room both sport trendy dark-stained hardwood floors. The latter room has rows of French doors and the kitchen sports top-notch appliances with a small furnace and quaint tilework on a convenient service staircase.

The master suite is certainly fit for royalty with a house-sized bedroom with backyard views, a bathtub-equipped master bath, a walk-in closet, and a sitting room with a carved stone fireplace and bookshelves. According to marketing materials, the property has 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms in approximately 10,000-square-feet of interior space spread out over three structures.

Outdoors, the Lucas pad has more original Spanish architectural details plus rolling lawns, palm trees, and a putting green. Tall trees and matures hedges shield the grounds from any would-be nosy neighbors.

A cobalt-blue-bottomed swimming pool adjoins a covered cabana with another fireplace. Behind the structure is a pool house with at least one changing room-slash-bathroom.

As you might expect, Mr. Lucas’s new neighbors include a whole bunch of richie-rich folks like socialite Alexandra Dwek, Microsoft bazillionaire Chris Peters, Northrop Grumman CEO Ronald Sugar, former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, Indonesian billionaire Edwin Soeryadjaya, and New York-based hedge fund couple Michael Barnes & Lisa Underwood, who live in a house across the street that they bought from Debra Messing, who had bought it from Renee Zellwegger back in the day. (For what it’s worth, Mr. Barnes & Ms. Underwood are widely believed to have outbid none other than Sofia Vergara for their Bel Air mini-estate). But we digress!

Mr. Lucas is a multi-billionaire, and as such he owns and maintains a residential property portfolio well-suited to a guy of his financial means. In addition to his new $34 million Bel Air palace, he also lays claim to a shockingly beautiful oceanfront estate in the Santa Barbara-adjacent city of Carpinteria (CA) for which he paid $19,500,000 back in 2010. The 1.7-acre spread includes 150-feet of sand frontage.

Good ol’ Mr. Lucas got all his Carpinteria neighbors in a tizzy when he quickly demolished the modernist architectural stunner (built in 1981 by Sherrill Broudy) on his Carpinteria lot and replaced with a large-and-in-charge but architecturally ho-hum Cape Cod.

Our boy’s primary residence has long been located in the Bay Area-city of San Anselmo, CA on a colossal compound that stretches over at least 10 parcels. The main house weighs in at a major-mansion-sized 15,159 square feet and there are multiple other house-sized structures on the property. Other features found within the wooded grounds are a pill-shaped swimming pool, a tennis court and a pavilion.

And as any Star Wars fan worth his mettle knows, Mister Lucas also owns the 4,700+ acre Skywalker Ranch in Nicasio, CA. It is here where Mr. Lucas’s filmmaking headquarters are located. The ranch includes a main house where Mister Lucas does not live, an animal filled barn, vineyard, fruit and veggie gardens, an on-site restaurant for employees, a swimming pool and fitness facilities with racquetball courts, a man-made lake, hilltop observatory, 300-seat theater, scads of underground parking and its very own own fire station.

Last but not least, Mr. Lucas coughed up a record-breaking $18,750,000 in 2015 for a penthouse in Chicago’s Park Tower. At that time, it was the most money ever paid for a home in the city.

Why Chicago? Because his accomplished wife — Ms. Hobson — is the President of Ariel Investments, a financial services/money management firm with more than $10 billion in assets under management. Ariel is based in Chi-town and thus Ms. Hobson spends a great deal of time in the city.

As is our custom, we wish Mr. Lucas and Ms. Hobson congratulations and good fortune (not that they really need it) on their big new Bel Air beast. And just so y’all know, the house is located on a street whose name literally means “cup of gold”. That’s appropriate — not just because Mr. Lucas is enormously rich, but because a gold cup has figured into his past films. Duh. Let’s hope Mr. Lucas chose wisely with this house…

Oceanfront resort towns like Laguna Beach and Malibu have long been famous for their prototypical perfect SoCal weather, their gorgeous Pacific vistas, and their stunning (for California, at least) beaches. Not to mention their many famous residents and punishingly pricey real estate. But the somewhat secluded nature of both cities — both are accessible via only a couple roads — means that traffic is a constant nightmare, what with resident commuters, tourists, and out-of-towners all fightin’ for their place on the sand. But we digress.

Though Malibu and Laguna remain popular with many celebrities (particularly the former), we are quite certain the congestion and nonstop lookie-loos have driven some publicity-eschewing famous folks to locate their vacation homes in other, more slower-paced areas. One of them is the tiny, low-key beach town of Carpinteria (CA), that is located about 80 miles northwest of Beverly Hills and directly south of high-toned Montecito.

The 101 freeway bisects Carpinteria, and most folks pass right through on their way to Santa Barbara or the Bay Area. There’s certainly no Nobu or Montage up here. The 13,000 (or so) residents adhere to a slower pace of life with more modest surroundings. Unless you’re talking about Padaro Lane, of course. That rustic road runs parallel and between the 101 freeway and the Pacific Ocean and features dozens of oceanfront homes. These range from modest cottages to family-sized mansions to supersized estate compounds — but all of them worth many millions of dollars.

Yolanda has a friend — a handsome, scholarly fellow from Santa Barbara whom we’ve previously referred to as Barbara Bane — and he assures us that Padaro Lane can be every bit as searingly expensive as Carbon Beach in Malibu or Irvine Cove in Laguna Beach. After all, at least one Padaro Lane resident has spent more than $80 million to construct a monumental monument to his fabulous wealth.

Now then! Yolanda discussed George Lucas’s new $34 million Bel Air compound just the other day. While we were yappin’ away about the estate, we also mentioned how Mr. Lucas caused a gosh-darn ruckus up on Padaro Lane recently when he tore down a $20 million Modernist stunner to build a ho-hum Cape Cod crapper of a mansion that he probably only uses a handful of times per year anyway.

Well, kiddies, call it the peculiar draw of this quaint beach town, but following our discussion Yolanda went on a little virtual tour of Mr. Lucas’s Carpinteria neighborhood. And right away we stumbled over something interesting. On the very same street as Mr. Lucas’s house — just a quick jog away — lies a smaller property that sold for a big-time $10,100,000 just a few days ago (early June 2017).

The seller was a non-famous fellow and the buyers’ identities are carefully shielded behind a generically-named corporate entity that links back to a New York City address. However, y’all, Yolanda just happens to know the new owners are a married couple named Christopher & Milena Kutcher — better known, of course, by their professional names: Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. Yolanda also just happens to know that there was no loan involved in this transaction. That’s right — Mr. Kutcher and Ms. Kunis paid cold, hard cash for their $10.1 million mini-compound. Ballers!

That the Tesla-driving Mr. Kutcher and Ms. Kunis would buy a $10 million house in Carpinteria should not come as a shock to anyone. The pair love the low-key neighborhood and have been photographed on vacations up here numerous times over the years. And they’re both really rich, in case y’all somehow didn’t know. The Ukraine-born, LA-raised Ms. Kunis’s net worth is routinely estimated at somewhere between $30 and $45 million, while the Iowa-born-and-bred Mr. Kutcher — a very successful tech investor who was for quite some time also the highest-paid TV actor — makes do with $140 million (or so) to his name.

Before we get to photos of the famous couple’s new pad, we wanted to quickly call y’all’s attention to something. Yolanda has long been amused by the “brokerbabble” used by many real estate agents and the description of this property is particularly enjoyable because the listing agent mentions absolutely nothing about the house itself. Yolanda just couldn’t resist copy-and-pasting it here.

Imagine driving down secluded, tree-lined, Padaro Lane. Smell the fresh breath of the ocean signaling the weekend’s pleasures to come. Cross the estuary and turn into a private drive. As the gate slowly rolls back you you are greeted by a vista of the ocean and islands that beckons you to leave the week’s travails behind. You can’t wait to race down the path to the beach. Feel the warming sun and cool sea breeze. Listen to the lonesome cry of the gulls and the pounding of the surf. Feel the cool wet sand between your toes. This is the moment you have waited for.

Actually, it’s kind of a ballsy description. Like “it’s Padaro Lane, bitches. What more info do you need?” And it may not give many details away, but it certainly sounds nice — don’t it?

Listing information indicates the two-house, two-parcel compound sports a total of 3,100-square-feet of living space, divided between a 2,000+ square foot, two-story main house out closer to the street and a one-story, sub-1,000-square-foot cottage that overlooks the beach itself. There are a total of 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms located on the .71-acre property.

Records indicate that the seller (that non-famous but clearly very rich fellow) purchased the property in two separate transactions in 2009 and 2012 for a total investment of $9,100,000.

Inside the main house, there wide-plank white oak floors and lots of white paint, which Yolanda has no problem with in a beach residence. We do have a problem with those barstools that look like they could double as some sort of weird kinky sexual torture device, but whatever.

On the second floor of the main house is a cavernous great room with a vaulted ceiling, a large fireplace, and walls of glass that open to a balcony overlooking the grounds of the property and the ocean beyond.

Both structures on the property are styled almost identically, so please excuse Yolanda if we’re having difficulty tying this or that bedroom to which house. About all we know is that there’s plenty of space for Mr. Kutcher, Ms. Kunis, and their two munchkins. Plus a nanny or cook or whatever sort of domestic help they may or may not employ.

Okay, so this porch is definitely on the second floor of the main house and located off the master suite.

Like nearly all the other houses along Padaro Lane, Mr. Kutcher & Ms. Kunis’s new spot has no swimming pool. We suppose there’s really no need when your backyard is the ocean, but the spoiled Yolanda can’t stand the beach — all that sand and saltwater and surf just brings us down — and so we’d have preferred to see a cement pond out back here. C’est la vie.

Oh well, at least there’s an above-ground hot tub.

Back in LA, the couple reside in a guarded (but not gated) and legendarily celebrity-filled community called Hidden Valley in the Coldwater Canyon neighborhood of Beverly Hills Post Office, which is itself a neighborhood of Los Angeles. (Whew!) Records show they acquired the property back in 2014 in an off-market $10,215,000 deal from veteran entertainment exec Tom Freston. Some of their nearest and dearest neighbors are a whole slew of A-list showbiz folks like Adele, Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban, Penelope Cruz, Katy Perry, Cameron Diaz and her Madden boy, Nicole Richie and her Madden boy, Zoe Saldana, and Jennifer Lawrence.

And though their new home in Carpinteria lies almost 100 miles outside of Hollywood, they’ve got plenty of new neighbors out there who are famous in their own way, too. In addition to George Lucas, other Padaro Lane homeowners include Oscar winner Kevin Costner, soap opera actor Doug Davidson, Calvin Klein co-founder Barry Schwartz, direct marketing guru Greg Renker, billionaire hedge funder Bruce Kovner, and pioneering internet entrepreneur Lynda Weinman.

P.S. Yolanda is gonna give you young’uns some schoolin’. If you’re ever up in the Carpinteria area, kiddies, y’all have just gotta try the lovely Padaro Beach Grill. Yes, you Fancy Nancys may turn up your nose because there ain’t no valet parking, but seriously it’s a charming place with some seriously good food and views. And who knows? Maybe you’ll even see the Kunis-Kutchers chowing down at the table next to yours one of these days. But use some sense and do not harass and/or sass the young family — unless they’ve given you permission to do so, of course. They could probably afford to buy and sell your life a thousand times over.

Listing agent: Pamela Regan, Compass
Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis’s agent: Omid Khaki, Insites

Listen kiddies, we’ve got a bazillion things to do and these toenails are not going to paint themselves. So today, instead of being long-winded and slip-sliding into pointless digressions, we’re gonna keep it on the straight, narrow, and boring. We’ll be back to our usual eggheaded self shortly, promise.

So here we go. Curb Your Enthusiasm actress Cheryl Hines and her new-ish hubby — eco-friendly warrior and alleged serial philanderer Robert Kennedy Jr. have paid $5,200,000 for a house in Brentwood’s rustic and equestrian-friendly Mandeville Canyon. This even though they are currently battling rumors that their two-year marriage is already on the rocks. Gutsy!

The sellers of the Mandeville Canyon home, property records reveal, were film producer Basil Iwanyk and his wife Natalie Reisman. Records also show that the house spans 4,034-square-feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 baths. (Listing information says the place is a larger 4,638-square-feet with 5 beds and 6 baths. Yolanda is unsure why the discrepancy).

Described as a Monterey Colonial in marketing materials, the structure is situated discretely behind a security gate and was originally built way back in 1937. There are formal living and dining rooms and a spacious kitchen with high-end appliances. All five of the bedrooms are located on the second floor and the master suite includes a private covered balcony and a glass-walled shower plus soaking tub in the bathroom.

Right about the same time they acquired their new Brentwood estate, Mr. Kennedy and Ms. Hines quietly offloaded their Malibu farmhouse-style mini-compound. Records reveal that the couple made quite a killing on this sale — they purchased it less than three years ago (September 2014) for $4,995,000 and sold it earlier this month (June 2017) for a fat $6,025,000.

The red barn-lookin’ main house has 2,959-square-feet with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. There is a living room, a library, a family room, and a dining room with a cool-looking vaulted ceiling. The almost all-white kitchen has a center island and lots of top-grade stainless steel cooking appliances.

Elsewhere on the property are a whole bunch of additional structures that include a studio-style guesthouse, an additional two-story abode with 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom, a pool house with a pine-paneled lounge, another kitchen, and a loft-style bedroom. The .86-acre landlocked property includes a swimming pool, spa, BBQ, tree house, wine shed, and a firepit.

The new owner of the Malibu compound is shielded behind an all-too-common blind trust, but Yolanda just happens to know she is a local gal named Lyndie Benson. Our Ms. Benson has a whole boatload of money thanks to her two-decade marriage to (and subsequent divorce from) Grammy-winning saxophonist Kenny G. We also happen to know that Ms. Benson is a nice lady who is a familiar fixture around the Malibu social scene. Homegurl seems to pop up at every chi-chi neighborhood event. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

Before she bought Mr. Kennedy & Ms. Hines’ Point Dume house, our Ms. Benson owned an oceanfront house in a guard-gated community called Malibu Cove Colony. She bought the house — a vaguely Gothic-influenced Spanish thingamajig — for $6,300,000 and sold it last month (May 2017) for $9,525,000 to Glenn “Doc” Rivers, the current coach of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team.

Nice house; nice profit. Bye for now, kids…

Listing & selling agent (Malibu): Chris Cortazzo, Coldwell Banker
Listing agent (Brentwood): Santiago Arana, The Agency
Selling agent (Brentwood): Max Nelson, The Agency

In case y’all didn’t know, fashion designer/TV personality/Ferrari-driving Kimora Lee Simmons is one tough and very rich cookie and she isn’t about to let little people problems like an international money-laundering scandal and an (allegedly!) failing fashion line stop her from living her very best life. To that end, she’s just slammed down a billionaire-worthy sum of moolah on a village-sized mansion within the guarded gates of the cartoonishly opulent Beverly Park community.

Now, kiddies, we are well aware that this sale has already been discussed by just about every real estate columnist/gossiper out there. But we’re giving it another go today because 1) it’s a huge transaction and 2) Yolanda has a rather unhealthy obsession with Beverly Park and the inordinately wealthy folks who dwell within its heavily secured boundaries.

Anyway, it appears that celebrity gossip juggernaut TMZ was the first to let the cat outta the proverbial bag, and property records do indeed confirm that Ms. Simmons (through a mysteriously-named corporate entity) did, in fact, lay out an even-steven $25,000,000 for the big-ass Beverly Park house. The seller was a lady named Kathy Harfouche, wife of clothing entrepreneur Michael Harfouche.

Wee bio time: Ms. Simmons was born in St. Louis, Missouri to a Korean mother and African-American father. By age 14 she was modelling haute couture on the runways of Paris and by 23 she was hitched to music/clothing mogul Russell Simmons. She became known for her Baby Phat and KLS fashion lines and for appearing on reality television programs as well as a highly-publicized DUI car chase and arrest way back in 2004.

Check out her mugshot here. Aww. The good ol’ days!

More importantly, however, our Ms. Simmons has mastered the art of marrying well. Perhaps better than just about any celeb we know. The lady has been hitched to a succession of very wealthy gentlemen, perhaps the wealthiest of whom is (her third and current hubby) German-born former banker Tim Leissner, a guy who made millions and millions of dollars working at Goldman Sachs. We know little else about him but he rest assured he is a very wealthy fellow who is in some deep legal doo-doo right about now for his role in the 1MDB multi-billion dollar money-laundering scandal that originated in Malaysia and has rocked nations around the globe.

Now kiddies, let us whisper to you a not-so-secret secret about Beverly Park: Everyone in there is crazy. No joke. It’s true. Not necessarily Amanda Bynes crazy, more like Liza Minnelli crazy. Just a little wacko, a bit touched in the head. But in an entertaining way. And we are so proud of Ms. Simmons for moving up there because, let’s face it, she’s somewhat cray-cray herself. And she is perfect for this place.

All of y’all should already know all about Beverly Park, but just in case you don’t: it is the most expensive and most stringently-secured gated community with the most oversized mansions with the most stringent security measures in all of California. Maybe all of the world, we don’t know. There are 70+ homes in the community, which is divided into South (less fashionable) and North (trendy) sections. And good luck finding a house in either for less than $15 million.

In recent years, however, Beverly Park has fallen somewhat out of fashion. It isn’t that there are fewer crazy rich people out there, it’s that those new-fangled contemporaries in Trousdale Estates and the Bird Streets are all the rage right now.

But still, the market is scorchin’ hot right now. After a couple years of no action in Beverly Park, the neighborhood has recorded four sales within the past six months, all of them in North Beverly Park and all of the transactions being in the $25-27 million range.

Each and every one of the 70+ homes in Beverly Park is situated behind its own private security gate, but Ms. Simmons’ is particularly private with its long winding driveways and many mature olive and ficus trees.

Property records indicate the faux-Italian behemoth has 15,450-square-feet of living space in the main house with 6 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms and was originally built in 1992, making it one of the older homes in North Beverly Park. There are also a couple of ancillary buildings (a six-car detached garage and a guest house) that add another bedroom, two bathrooms, and 5,000+ square feet to the total living space.

The double-height foyer is sure to wow guests with its dramatic (if somewhat déclassé) sweetheart staircases and beige-ish marble floors and columns. There are formal living and dining rooms on the main level plus a library/study with real bookshelves and real books. Looks like a great place to pore over a priceless first-edition War and Peace, magnifying glass in hand and pipe dangling out the corner of one’s mouth, but somehow we don’t see the Ms. Simmons as that kind of gal.

Anyway, each and every one of the public rooms are grandly proportioned. It is abundantly clear to Yolanda, however, that this house could use a serious makeover. All the dull colors and those heavy drapes are just so 90s we can barely stand it.

The kitchen is approximately the size of a small shopping mall and has more than enough commercial-grade appliances to fill said shopping mall. It’s also perfectly dull with its light-colored cabinetry, dark-colored countertops, and beige tile flooring. Elsewhere is a screening room with a pricey projection system adjacent to a conservatory with walls of glass that allow occupants to peer out into the densely-planted backyard.

Speaking of the yard, it’s huge: 3.79 acres of property, making this one of the larger Beverly Park estates (by acreage, at least). There’s plenty of room a blue-bottomed swimming pool with inset spa and proper north/south tennis court.

If y’all put your thinking caps on, you may recall that the Simmons-Leissners had been looking to purchase a significant mega-mansion in the Platinum Triangle area for several years. Back in early 2014 they even entered escrow on a humongous spread over in the Benedict Canyon area that was being sold by Maurice Marciano.

For unknown reasons, kiddies, Mr. Leissner and Ms. Simmons’ escrow on the property was cancelled. Then along came Steve Wynn, who also initiated escrow on the property (that one was cancelled as well). Third time’s the charm though — the mega-estate eventually sold for $32,670,000 to British crooner Robbie Williams. But we digress.

For nearly a decade now, Ms. Simmons & co. have made their primary residence a two-story Mediterranean structure in prime Beverly Hills. Records reveal Ms. Simmons paid $10,950,000 for the property back in 2008, years before she hitched her wagon to Mr. Leissner.

Before that, Ms. Simmons lived in a mansion in the “Hidden Valley” neighborhood of the Beverly Hills post office, where current residents include everyone from Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis to Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban to Katy Perry to Adele to Cameron Diaz. Her old house up there is now owned by actress Zoe Saldana.

Over in Beverly Park, some of Ms. Simmons and Mr. Leissner’s nearest new neighbors include longtime neighborhood stalwarts like Rod Stewart (he’s right next door), Eddie Murphy, Denzel Washington, Haim Saban, Jami Gertz, and how-the-heck-is-he-still-alive billionaire Sumner Redstone. But despite the area’s reputation as a celebrity haven, Ms. Simmons is the first real celebrity to buy in Beverly Park in nearly a decade.

Back in July 2014, Ms. Simmons and Mr. Leissner reportedly dropped about $19,000,000 on an 8th-floor apartment in Manhattan’s venerable The Marquand building. Built in 1913, the fully-renovated unit has 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms, formal living and dining rooms, fireplaces, and is just a short stroll to Central Park.

See? Homegurl really is living her best life.

Listing agent: Kurt Rappaport, Westside Estate Agency
Kimora Lee Simmons’ agent: Juliette Hohnen, Hilton & Hyland

Yes, kiddies. We know. Y’all are rolling your eyes right now. But keep in mind that we didn’t want to write about the Kardashians either. This story just sorta fell in our lap and we thought what the hell. We don’t care for them at all, but they have loads of money and drive lots of clicks for some reason. And Yolanda’s Caddy needs an oil change, so shove it.

Whatever you think of them, nobody — and we mean nobody — has cashed in on their fame as well as the Kardashians. Certainly they were well-off before Kimmy’s infamous sex tape and the resulting reality show, but ten years later and here they are, still buzzing around like a fly you just can’t swat. And now richer than most A-list celebrities. And they’ve got the mansions and fleets of exotic cars to prove it. It’s all completely ridiculous but also sorta admirable in a weird way. Right?

But we’ll shut up now so we can get this over with.

Although the MLS listing bizarrely still shows “active”, Yolanda just happens to know that Kris Jenner — K-Klan matriarch and family manager — sold one of her several multi-million dollar residences just this week. The new owner is not famous at all — it’s a local medical doctor and her hubby — but she’ll be moving into The Oaks, a guard-gated community that is chock-full of sports stars and the Jacksons, not to mention Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian.

This particular house was purchased by Kris Jenner just over a year ago, back in February 2016, and was ostensibly for the use of her ne’er-do-well son and sometimes sock entrepreneur Rob Kardashian. If any of y’all recall (hopefully not), Mama Kris and several of her spawn had a vehement, expletive-laden (and possibly staged) televised disagreement over the fact that she bought her adult son this house. Perhaps that’s the reason for the quick sale; perhaps not.

Now, kiddies, y’all should already know that Calabasas is not really Yolanda’s cup of tea. It’s a big, bad, hot, scary world out there in the San Fernando Valley and Calabasas is arguably the most cookie-cutter city in the area. But this house — mcmansion though it may be — isn’t so awful, really. Built in 2005, the non-gated Traditional sports tacky faux marble columns out front and a two-car garage at the end of the long driveway.

The unstaged interiors make it clear that none of the many Kardashians or their assorted hangers-on are currently living in this house. A booty-busting array of steps leads to the upstairs with its four bedrooms, each with their own en-suite bathroom. The front door opens (rather rudely, it must be said) directly into the fireplace-equipped living room. Glossy medium-brown hardwood floors continue throughout most of the downstairs.

It does not appear that Ms. Jenner and/or her son made many alterations to the house during their ownership, as the place still sports the same beige walls, the same beige countertops, and the same medium-grade stainless steel appliances as it did back in early 2016, at the time of their acquisition. We do know that the downstairs also has a library/study, multiple sets of French doors that lead to various patios and terraces, and a room with an icky-and-sticky-lookin’ black floor that apparently functions as a home gym. Yolanda doubts that was ever used during Mr. Kardashian’s residence here, but we digress.

Upstairs, the bedrooms are equipped with carpet floors. The master bathroom has dual vanities and a built-in soaking tub inconveniently situated smack-dab in the middle of the room. There’s also a smallish walk-in closet and a sauna-like step-in shower.

The backyard is rather more petite than one might expect, but it is generously equipped with a saltwater pool, spa, firepit, and a full outdoor grill/BBQ station.

Yolanda happens to know the agreed-upon sales price for this house was $2,440,000, which is $155,000 more than the $2,285,000 that Kris Jenner paid just over a year ago. Keep in mind, however, that most of this profit evaporates quickly when you take into consideration annoying little things like taxes, closing costs, and real estate broker fees. We’d doubt ol’ mama Jenner got more out of this sale than enough cash to put some new shoes on her Rolls-Royce Dawn.

But we digress. Property records reveal the Kardashian-Jenner family presides over a mind-boggling real estate portfolio, the majority of which are homes located in the Calabasas/Hidden Hills area. In addition to the Calabasas home she just sold, Kris Jenner still owns another house in the same gated community that is currently listed with a $3,300,000 pricetag. Then there’s a luxury condo in the Wilshire Corridor area that she scooped up in 2015 for $1,655,000. And her main residence is a big-ass Hidden Hills mansion that was purchased back in 2010 for $4,000,000, has been extensively remodeled and has probably doubled in value over the past seven years.

As for her kids, Kim Kardashian and her hubby Kanye West own a two-parcel compound in Hidden Hills that they bought back in 2014 for a combined $22,725,000 and have spent many millions of dollars remodeling and a Bel Air house for which they paid $9,000,000 and also completely rebuilt. Kourtney Kardashian has a $7,450,000 house in the Oaks that she bought from Keyshawn Johnson; Khloe’s got a $7,200,000 home on the same street that she scooped up from the Biebs. Kendall paid $6,500,000 for the Hollywood Hills house of Emily Blunt and John Krascinski. Kylie — who seems to be one of the richest K-Klan members despite her youth — has three properties in Hidden Hills: a $4,500,000 one, a $6,025,000 one, and a $12,050,000 mega-mansion. Caitlyn has been ostracized from the fam but spends her days in a $3,575,000 hilltop Malibu home.

We’re not sure where Rob — the lone male left in the family, it seems — currently resides. Nor do we much care. But if someone held a gun to Yolanda’s head, we might guess that he’s shackin’ up with his on-off ex-stripped gal-pal Black China in a rented Tarzana residence. Or maybe he’s squattin’ in one of Kylie’s unused homes. Or maybe Mama Kris is buying him a bigger and better house? Whatever the case, it will be televised and will involve tears and and a healthy helping of profanity.

Listing agents: Tomer & Isidora Fridman, Compass
Selling agent: Tiffany Dochick, Keller Williams Westlake Village

A few short days ago, Yolanda blabbed about high-paid actor/budding tech investor Ashton Kutcher’s new $10 million beach house on Carpinteria’s prodigiously pricey Padaro Lane. We also chatted about Mr. Kutcher and wifey Mila Kunis’s $10 million main residence in a private, celeb-soaked community called Hidden Valley in the Beverly Hills Post Office neighborhood.

At the time we wrote that story, Yolanda was unaware that these are not the only multi-million dollar properties owned by Mr. Kutcher (and Ms. Kunis). But shortly after we published that article, we were contacted by an in-the-know informant who wishes to remain anonymous. Let’s call him/her L.B. Jefferies.

So anyway, L.B. Jefferies hissed to us something very interesting about the Kunis-Kutchers. In addition to their Carpinteria and Hidden Valley homes, L.B. Jefferies swears up and down that the Tesla-driving showbiz couple are currently — and very secretly — in the early stages of building a new, A-list-sized mega-estate even further up in the Beverly Hills Post Office area.

Yolanda was shocked! Shocked, we tell you. Not that we like to blow our own beeper, but we like to think we keep pretty good tabs on the neighborhood and we thought for sure we would’ve heard that Mr. Kutcher and Ms. Kunis owned a construction site up on yonder hills. But apparently even your ol’ gurl doesn’t know everything.

The hilltop property fingered by L.B. Jefferies is absolutely massive — 5.7+ acres — and it just happens to lie directly adjacent to a parking lot that services the guards and vendors at Yolanda’s absolute favorite guard-gated community in all the world: Beverly Park.

Mr. Kutcher’s acreage is not located within the hallowed of gates of Beverly Park, however. Instead, it lies within a much smaller (and often overlooked) gated community called Bella Vista Estates that runs along a high ridge above Beverly Park. It should be noted, however, that the sheer size of Mr. Kutcher’s land puts all but the very largest Beverly Park estates to shame.

For those who may not know, Bella Vista is accessed by driving all the way up Summitridge Drive until the gates of North Beverly Park come into view. But right before one reaches the gate house, veer left and there will be a little road that leads to another big gate. That’s Bella Vista.

Keep in mind, kiddies, that neither Mr. Kutcher nor Ms. Kunis’s names appear on the deed for this (currently vacant) property. However, a close examination of property records reveals that the lot is registered to Mr. Kutcher’s longtime business manager and links back to the exact same New York City address to which both of his other homes are also linked. And on top of that, our L.B. Jefferies swears on his/her firstborn’s life that the land is owned by Mr. Kutcher, and he/she is definitely in a position to know. Got it?

Property records also reveal that Mr. Kutcher acquired this two-parcel property a very long time ago — way back in December 2007, in fact. Back then, he was only a 29-year-old whippersnapper currently married to actress Demi Moore. Anyway, his LLC paid a fat and even-steven $8,000,000 for the land and permits reveal that whatever structures currently existed on the property were almost immediately razed by Mr. Kutcher. The seller of the property was an odd (but very rich) dude named Wayne Kao, who currently resides on Holmby Hills’ tony Carolwood Drive.

We aren’t sure why Mr. Kutcher has let this very valuable piece of land sit vacant for nearly a decade, but he’s been very busy over the last 10 years — divorce, marriage, kids, making buttloads of money — so maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to building his dream home until now.

Speaking of his dream home, it’s finally happening. Documents dug up by Yolanda show that Mr. Kutcher filed for permits to construct a mogul-worthy estate in November 2016. The new compound will cost many millions of dollars, of course, and will feature (among other things) a two-story main house, a two-story guest house, a pool house, and a pavilion. From what we can tell, construction is being overseen by Crest Real Estate.

As y’all should know, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are remarkably rich for still being in their 30s, with a combined net worth that is routinely estimated at nearly 200 million bucks and sometimes even more. And they are doubtless one of the wealthiest A-list celeb couples out there. But they are also notably down-to-earth — or at least they appear that way to Yolanda — and so we don’t think they mind foregoing the super-famous and celeb-friendly Beverly Park prison for a virtually unknown gated community next door. In fact, we’d venture a guess that they will prefer the quiet life over there.

With the exception of Mr. Kutcher, Bella Vista does not sport any famous residents on the level of Beverly Park denizens like Mark Wahlberg, Eddie Murphy, or Sylvester Stallone. But rest assured that the Kunis-Kutcher couple’s future neighbors are all ludicrously rich and notable in their own ways.

Directly across the street from their (currently vacant) lot is another multi-acre vacant parcel that is owned by trouble-makin’ developer Mohamed Hadid. Next door to that is a mansion that was purchased a couple months ago for $8 million by Ilan Sharone, who occasionally pops up on Million Dollar Listing. Next door to that is the much larger estate of top talent agent Adam Venit.

Other Bella Vista residents include billionaire Don Hankey, who paid $18,600,000 for rocker John Fogerty’s mega-mansion a couple years ago and has been remodeling it ever since. And then there’s Saudi Prince Khalid Al-Faisal, who paid $18,500,000 (at the height of the last economic recession) for an ultra-private 10-acre compound with a guest house and a tennis court.

Easily the most lavish estate in Bella Vista, however, is the compound on the very top of the hill, which directly overlooks both Mulholland Drive and the entirety of North Beverly Park. This highly-secured estate is comprised of two separate single-family mansions connected by an epicly-long driveway. There are two infinity pools — one of which is partially indoors — golf greens, 8+ acres of land, and a tennis court on top of the damn roof. For a long time, Yolanda assumed this estate was owned by another Saudi royal (just based on the extravagance), but we recently learned that is not the case. The real owners are a billionaire family from Mexico whose money — so we have been told — derives primarily from the production of sugar or alcohol or some such mundane thing.

If you’d like a glimpse into Bella Vista, watch the below video, which features a motorbike and a Bentley leaving that mega-compound on top of the hill and traveling through the gated community and on down Summitridge Drive. At about the 1:38 mark, y’all can see Mr. Kutcher’s big vacant lot up close, to the left of the street.

That’s all, folks. Oh, actually — just one more thing. Yolanda also received a rather rude message this week from a sassy reader who questioned how we know what we know about real estate and seemed to be implyin’ that Yolanda was pulling things out of her tender tushie. So we thought we’d digress for a quick moment and respond just this once.

Frankly, y’all, we are far too old and have neither the time nor inclination to make shit up. But if you still think we’re just babblin’ bull, you don’t have to believe Yolanda. And you are more than welcome to not read this blog. We promise you, we won’t lose one single wink of sleep over it. Okay, Sassy Sally?

Just remember one thing: when Mr. Kutcher & Ms. Kunis’s new Bella Vista compound is complete in a few years and their Hidden Valley crash pad pops up for sale, don’t say your gurl didn’t warn ya.

Although we’d love to stay and play with y’all today, Yolanda has a fancy-pants party to attend tonight and thus we’ve got our hair up in rollers and a terrycloth robe ’round our shoulders while Leslie — our personal makeup applier slash miracle worker — contours our face, square millimeter by square millimeter. After all, it takes a lot of time to look this good. Regrettably, that means we have to take it on the run with today’s story.

A few months back, Yolanda was contacted by our good friend Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial, who pointed us to a rather extravagant, newly-built spread in the appallingly pricey Riviera area of the already expensive Pacific Palisades.

The spread sold for exactly $22,000,000 back in February (2017), and Vlad noted that all but one listing photo was yanked off the MLS. (That’s normally a sign of a celebrity buyer, for all y’all newbies out there). The buyer’s identity is cloaked behind something called “Victrola 89 LLC”, a mysterious corporate entity linked to an address in the unlikely city of Whittier (CA), a fairly rough-and-tumble town on the outskirts of Los Angeles County.

Yolanda was curious about the sale because of all these aforementioned facts, of course, but also because our research indicates this is the most expensive residential transaction on the Westside of LA (or west of the 405, at least) for 2017. So far, at least.

So who is the buyer?

Well, it took Yolanda a hot minute but we finally got it sorted out. Much to our surprise, the new owner is not a celebrity or anyone we had ever heard of before. It’s an ultra-low-profile LA-based financier named Matt Barrett — full name Matthew Scott Barrett — and his longtime wife, therapist Kathy Barrett.

Though Yolanda can almost guarantee that our casual blog followers have never before heard of Mr. & Mrs. Barrett, rest assured that our research indicates they can definitely afford a $22 million mansion and probably a lot more, too. Our Mr. Barrett, you see, happens to be the co-founder of Santa Monica-based hedge fund Glendon Capital Management, which has approximately $400 million AUM. Before that, he was head of distressed debt at Barclay’s, and prior to that a Managing Director at Oaktree Capital Management.

Matt Barrett is so low-profile that Yolanda can’t even find an online photo of this fella. We apologize for that. Just know that Mr. & Mrs. Barrett are in their 50s and Yolanda believes they have two or three adult children. But now, house time:

It’s a little bit funny to Yolanda, but this place was marketed by the Hollywood spec-developer (Jaman Properties) as being “the former residence of Ronald Reagan“. While it is situated on a parcel of land that was once occupied by Ronald Reagan’s Pac Pal house (sold in 1982), the current structure — a newly-built grandly-scaled contemporary Spanish — bears no similarities whatsoever to the modest mid-century home once owned by the Reagans. Thus the marketing of the property as “Ronald Reagan’s former estate” or whatever just causes Yolanda to roll her eyes round and round till we can’t feel them no more.

Seriously, all that remains of the Reagans’ residence is a refurbished living room bar, and his old shower door was mounted as a commemorative art fixture in the library. Big whoop!

Do excuse our sass — this curlin’ iron is burning. The new property has every creature comfort available, and then some: five bedrooms and 8.5-bathroom bathrooms, a kitchen with a hand-made Italian range that probably costs more than a new S-Class Benz, an elevator, a home automation system, a top-notch security system, sizable motor court, four-car garage, a climate controlled 2,000-bottle wine room, and a cashmere-lined screening room with state-of-the-art projection system. There is also a 1-bed/1-bath guest house, a massive heated veranda, and knock-your-damn-socks-off views of the entire LA basin, the Pacific Ocean, and even Catalina.

Mr. & Mrs. Barrett did not have far to schlep their belongings once they moved into their big new Pac Pal estate. Records show they have long resided on a posh street in the Brentwood neighborhood of Los Angeles, where way back in 2003 they paid $5,150,000 for a Traditional-style house in a fashionable area of the leafy neighborhood. It is clear that the Barretts have already moved to the Palisades, as the house just recently popped up for sale at $7,950,000 and looks staged to the max.

The corner lot house was built in 2001, records show, and has a comfortable (but not massive) 5,844-square-feet of living space with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. There’s a commercial-grade kitchen with a center island and bar plus high-end stainless appliances, formal living and dining rooms, a master bedroom with vaulted ceiling and a master bath with a step-in glass-doored shower, and a two-car garage. Regrettably, the house sports a spa but no pool, which for almost 8 million bucks would be a deal-breaker in Yolanda’s book. But we digress.

The best feature of all, however, is that Mr. & Mrs. Barrett’s former home is but a short stroll to one of Yolanda’s all-time favorite shopping locations: the quaint Brentwood Country Mart. If all that appeals to you and you can swing the purchase price (plus $100k or so in annual property taxes), give Mr. & Mrs. Barrett’s friendly neighborhood realtor a ring-ring.

Listing agent (Pacific Palisades): Kurt Rappaport, Westside Estate Agency
Matt & Kathy Barrett’s agent (Pacific Palisades): Richard Stearns, Partners Trust Brentwood
Matt & Kathy Barrett’s agent (Brentwood): Barbara Boyle, Sotheby’s International Realty

The Studio City neighborhood of the San Fernando Valley, and more particularly the Fryman Canyon enclave of Studio City, was once thought to be a rather déclassé alternative to 90210 for folks who couldn’t quite muster up the cash to live in that world-famous zip code. But no longer. Home values here have skyrocketed over the past few years, to the point where the affordability aspect of buying on the Valley side of these hills has been completely eroded. And Studio City boasts countless mega-rich celebrity residents: George Clooney, Bruno Mars, Chloe Moretz, Teri Hatcher, Leah Remini, Lana Del Rey, Clayton Kershaw, Geoff Johns, and Miles Teller, just to name a few. All of those have chosen to forego the 90210 to reside in the 91604. Why? Space, privacy, ease of access to the Valley, the studios, and the Burbank airport. Plus there’s lots of fantastic dining options on Ventura Boulevard.

So Yolanda knew we had to put everything else on the back burner to write about how 29-year-old Seattle-based DJ/music producer Ryan Lewis recently slammed down $4,425,000 (through a blind trust) to purchase a deceptively modest-lookin’ mid-century ranch house near the entrance to the Fryman Canyon ‘hood.

As y’all should know, we don’t really follow current pop culture/music. Yet even an ignoramus like Yolanda had heard of Mr. Lewis. He’s one-half of the busted-up musical duo called Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, and he released those painfully catchy songs called “Can’t Hold Us” and “Thrift Shop”.

It is Yolanda’s understanding that Mr. Lewis does not actually sing or even rap. Macklemore did all the lyrics. Our Mr. Lewis is the DJ. You know, that guy who presses the buttons on the laptop. Right?

Well, whatever. In any case, Mr. Lewis’s semi-annoying produced songs have got him a $4.4 million house in Studio City’s best area. Records show he must’ve wanted this place pretty badly, too, because he paid a downright shocking $226,000 more than the asking price.

The single-story, corner lot sprawler is all but invisible from the roads that surround it, thanks to a tall ivy hedge and blacked-out driveway gates. The 1948 U-shaped structure centers around an inner courtyard with pool. The front door opens to a den, which in turn connects to the spacious living room.

Said living room is equipped with a fireplace, ebonized hardwood floors, and a triple set of French doors opening into the courtyard. Connected to the living room is a formal dining room that leads to a long and narrow kitchen tricked out with fancy stainless appliances, a wood-topped center island, and more dark hardwood floors that contrast nicely with the off-white color scheme.

Oh dear, did we neglect to mention? The den has a built-in bar for when Mr. Lewis invites Yolanda to his housewarming party (hint, hint)! Less exciting but still cool are the “raised veggie beds” outside that supply the kitchen with homegrown fresh edibles. But not the kind of edibles y’all are thinking of, you naughty boys (and girls)!

The inner brick courtyard isn’t especially attractive but it does have some nice tile work. Pity about that icky-looking green pool water, though. Anyway, if Mr. Lewis is a sports fan, he’ll most assuredly enjoy the full-size tennis court that double as a basketball court but is unfortunately not north/south in its orientation.

Pity. But you can only do so much with a .53-acre lot, right?

Speaking of the lot, it also encompasses a petite guest house with one bedroom and one bathroom, bringing the total square footage of the mini-compound to 4,490-square-feet with 4 beds and 3.5 baths.

Thanks to our friend Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial, Yolanda has learned that Mr. Lewis continues to own at least two homes in his native Seattle. The first is a 1919 Craftsman in the desirable Ravenna neighborhood that he picked up last August (2016) for $1,165,000.

There are lustrous hardwood floors and an original covered porch on the premises. The property also comes equipped with a two story guest house/studio with its own garage parking. There are a total of 5 bedrooms and 4.25 bathrooms in a big-but-not-huge 3,040-square-feet of living space.

It would appear that Mr. Lewis is downsizing in Seattle to spread his wings down in LA. His former main residence in his hometown (which he still owns) is a much grander 7,610-square-foot oceanfront mansion in the Magnolia area of Seattle that he bought back in early 2014 for $3,300,000 and has since extensively remodeled.

For what it’s worth, Yolanda actually thinks Mr. Lewis’s big ol’ beast of a house is quite impressive. There are cathedral-like raised ceilings, a home theater, gold leaf details everywhere, a massive stone terrace overlooking the water, and a spectacular library with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves filled with real books. Or if they’re not real books, they’re an excellent facsimile.

Poor rich Mr. Lewis’s Seattle mansion has been languishing on the market for nearly a year (since August 2016) with an asking price of $7,450,000. Won’t one of you rich-ass Northwesterners come take it off his hands, pretty please?

Listing agent (Studio City): Jenna Cooper, Compass
Selling agent (Studio City): John Podhor, Nourmand & Associates
Listing agent (Seattle, Ravenna): Christopher Haynes, Windermere R.E. Shoreline
Selling agent (Seattle, Ravenna): Mary Jane Powers, Ewing & Clark, Inc.
Listing agent (Seattle, Magnolia): Casey Price, Windermere Real Estate M2 LLC