When multi-billionaire Platinum Equity mogul and Detroit Pistons owner Tom Gores bought a $100,000,000 Holmby Hills mega-mansion last month, it caught Yolanda (and everyone else) completely off-guard. We were flabbergasted that even a billionaire like himself had the financial wherewithal to throw down $100 million in cash. Jaded as we are, that’s still a terrifyingly massive amount of moolah.

As it turns out — and as you should already know from our 58 previous stories on this — Mr. Gores did not actually pay $100 million in cash. The real deal is he shelled out something in cash and traded some of his (many, many, many) land holdings for the remainder.

One of his trades was a 3.2-acre vacant spread in Bel Air. Mr. Gores originally acquired the then-uncombined two mansion compound in late 2008 in two separate transactions for a stupendous total of $56,000,000. He then spent years renovating and enlarging the existing structures before losing interest and — shockingly — demolishing the whole damn half-finished mega-shopping mall.

All told, Yolanda’s educated guess says that Mr. Gores dumped a conservative total of $65,000,000 (and possibly far more) into the supremely-located Bel Air spread. And yet it was all for naught.

Property records now reveal that Mr. Gores accepted a valuation of just $30,000,000 for the property when he traded/sold it to Gala Asher and Ed Berman, the developers behind Dream Projects LA, who built the $100 million Holmby Hills spec-manse. That means that Mr. Gores had to write down about $35 million of the money he poured into it. We’re sure there are tax shelters and benefits that a clever accountant can access for that sort of loss, but still. $35 million is 35 million damn dollars. A whole assload of cash. And quite possibly the most ever lost on a single residential property in Los Angeles.

Incidentally, Mr. Berman & Mr. Asher have this patch of dirt for sale with an asking price of $37,900,000.

But wait, kiddies. That’s not all.

It was our bff Your Mama from Variety who first snitched to us — and Yolanda’s Little Black Book commenter Critic also whispered — that Mr. Gores quietly unloaded his huge Beverly Park mansion for an eyeball-exploding $40,000,000. Indeed, property records now confirm that Mr. Gores did not give up just the Bel Air spread for his new Holmby Hills mega-mansion, he also traded in this, his main residence.

Now kiddies, pause to mull it over. The $40,000,000 sale price is not only nearly double the $21,000,000 that Mr. Gores paid for the essentially-unchanged Gothic-inspired Intalian Renaissance spread back in 2010, it’s also the highest price ever paid for a property in Beverly Park. And the new owners are — naturally — Gala Asher & Ed Berman.

For what it’s worth, the previous Beverly Park record was held by a two-parcel compound that hardware mogul Eric Smidt sold to Kazakh oligarch Eduard Ogay for $39,900,000 back in December 2014.

This house was never on the market, so unfortunately we don’t have any juicy photos to share. About all we know is that the property located at 78 Beverly Park Lane clocks in at a mammoth 20,013-square-feet with 7 beds and 15 baths on 2.27 acres. There’s a large plunge pool with spa, huge-ass motorcourt, and a soccer-field-sized backyard lawn. The spec-mansion was built in 2000 by Mexican investor Mauricio Oberfeld, who sold it in 2001 to nutritional tycoon Bill Phillips, who held onto it until 2010, when Mr. Gores took it off his powerful hands.

Is everything beginning to make sense to y’all now? If not, let Yolanda give it to you straight: Mr. Gores gives up his Beverly Park pad for $40 million, his Bel Air land for $30 million, and then pays just $30 million in cash for the shopping-mall-sized Holmby Hills house. In addition to their new Beverly Park and Bel Air properties, Mr. Asher & Mr. Berman take most of that $30 million in cash and reinvest it in a notorious Beverly Hills Post Office mega-mansion.

Whew. This seems like the story that just won’t die! But why? Why doesn’t Ms. Ginger Glass (she is Mr. Asher’s wife and realtor) just do Yolanda a favor and return our 58 phone calls? All we want is the lowdown on these properties, Ms. Glass. You could’ve spared us all this trouble from the beginning instead of making us write 385 stories about the same damn transaction. Instead of getting a rejuvenating massage at the Spa Montage, we’re stuck on our backside picking up the puzzle pieces and writing about all this nonsense. Goodness!

And it’s still far from over! To whom will Mr. Asher sell the Bel Air spread? And what could they possibly plan to do with that Beverly Park mess, all 20,000 square feet of it? Will they attempt to renovate and flip it for $50 million? That sounds like a very tall order to Yolanda! For one, no house has ever sold for more than $40 million in Beverly Park. For two, there are about six or seven lower-priced houses in the same community that are sagging on the market without offers. Thirdly, this isn’t even one of the best (or biggest) houses up in there.

But we shall see.

Tom Gores’ realtors: Tiffany Martin, Christy Martin, & Samira Gores, The Agency
Gala Asher & Ed Berman’s realtor: Ginger Glass, Coldwell Banker

Actor Tobey Maguire and his longtime wife Jennifer Meyer (daughter of NBC Universal bigshot Ron Meyer) recently called it quits and (unsurprisingly) quickly heaved their charming Santa Monica micro-compound onto the open market. Divorce is very sad for all parties involved, we know. And yet it is our manna from heaven! Yolanda is ashamed to admit it, but that is the damn truth. Divorce means at least one house sale and at least two home purchases. And we love it, duh.

Thus, it really wasn’t such a surprise when our Romanian buddy Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial hissed that Mr. Maguire just upgraded in a big way by slamming down a very A-list $12,965,000 on a newly-built Brentwood mansion. A quick “amen” on the matter from our Mr. Deep Throat sealed the deal. Mr. Maguire obviously isn’t gonna let a pesky divorce stop him from living way large.

Of course, Mr. Maguire is (in)famous for being exceptionally good at making truckloads of cash. Although he’s recently been plagued with silly rumors of a Hollywood blacklist, his acting career includes major roles in lucrative blockbusters like Seabiscuit and The Great Gatsby, but his best-known work is (natch) his title role in the Spider-Man film trilogy, which grossed more than $2.5 billion worldwide.

However, kiddies, film is not Mr. Maguire’s only source of income. He is also known in some shady circles as one of Hollywood’s best — and most competitive — poker players. Mr. Maguire is a very serious card shark, folks. And he’s won many millions from his celebrity and billionaire pals over the years.

Anyway, Spidey’s big new house is located in a the low-key but hyper-pricey neighborhood pocket known as Brentwood Park. This is the same little neighborhood, kiddies, where last year Lebron James paid a record-busting $20,970,000 for a big house just down the block and across Sunset.

As y’all can see from the above, Mr. Maguire is not new to the area in which his new house lies. Back in January 2008, he shelled out an even-steven $10,000,000 for a nearly one acre vacant Brentwood Park-adjacent lot. (Nearly nine years later, that property remains vacant and undeveloped.) Then — in January 2014 — he paid former talk show host Ricki Lake $8,450,000 for her plantation-style mini-mansion that’s pretty much right across the street. Scarcely a year later, in April 2015, Mr. Maguire flipped the former Ricki Lake pad for a profit-assuring $10,400,000 to Quest Nutrition snack-bar entrepreneurs Ron & Shannan Penna.

Both Mr. Maguire’s vacant lot and his former Brentwood house are basically right around the corner from his new Brentwood house, which was built on spec by top realtor David Offer.

So what did nearly $13 million get our boy? Let’s have a quick look-see.

Described in marketing materials as a “Modern Traditional”, the vaguely farmhouse-inspired structure has a front-facing three-car garage and packs in 6 bedrooms and 7.5 water closets. Listing information does not indicate square footage, but Yolanda would say maybe 7,500 or so. Just a wild guess, y’all.

There are two brick chimneys and a wooden pergola partially shading a family-sized backyard terrace. Mr. Deep Throat hissed to Yolanda that the house looks naked without the traditional window shutters, but your gurl actually prefers this more minimalist look. We’re such a rebel!

Light brown oak floors and whitewashed walls give the gallery a beachy ambiance. The step-down living room sports a black marble fireplace.

The vaulted-ceiling master bedroom is quite cozy and includes yet another fireplace. Windows overlook the backyard. There are not one but two master bathrooms (his and hers) and not one but two walk-in master closets (hers and hers?).

Yolanda likes the unusual shade of teal and forest green used on the kitchen cabinetry. Naturally the space is open and the subway car-sized center island plenty spacious enough for catered shindigs or clandestine poker tournaments.

Across from the kitchen is a family room with a brick-surround fireplace and airy windows opening to the backyard. Another room opens directly to the spacious back patio.

The backyard of the .38-acre property ain’t particularly spacious — it’s rather petite, actually — but it does have a dog-run patch of green grass and a rather compact negative-edged swimming pool with inset spa.

In addition to the two above-ground levels, the house also contains a full basement. Down there you’ll find a sitting room with wet bar, theater, gym, laundry room, wine cellar, storage room, and maid’s quarters. And yes, there is also the all-important elevator to assist folks in making the tedious climb up and down the home’s three levels (and vice versa). Not that Spidey should require anything like that, of course. But even superheroes gotta hang it up eventually.

Listing agent: David Offer, Berkshire Hathaway HomeService
Mr. Maguire’s Agent: Judy Feder, Hilton & Hyland

What would we do without our beloved Romanian pal Vlad the Revealer from Celebrity Address Aerial, y’all? It was he, after all, who demanded that we spill the proverbial jelly beans on a super-contemporary mini-mansion way up high in the Benedict Canyon region of the Beverly Hills Post Office neighborhood. For those of you ignorant young’uns, the B.H.P.O. refers to homes in the mountains above Beverly Hills. These properties carry a 90210 zip code but are technically located within the boundaries of the city of Los Angeles — which means they are saddled with LA city utilities and public services. You know the drill.

Anywho, this September (2016) the aforementioned contemporary crib sold for a hefty $7,750,000 to an enigmatic blind trust that purposely shields the identity of the buyer. Mr. Revealer, however, wasn’t about to accept that and insisted that Yolanda snitch about who the top-secret new owner is. And who are we to leave great Mr. Revealer’s wishes unfulfilled, right?

The new owners, as Yolanda soon discovered, are a fella from Mexico named Eugenio Gonzalez Derbez and his wife Alessandra Rosaldo.

Our Ms. Rosaldo is an actress/singer/dancer who has portrayed a bunch of roles on various Mexican soap operas. She is also known for her singing career, both solo and with her successful band Sentidos Opuestos. And she’s got more than a million followers on that Instweird thingamajiggy.

Eugenio Derbez is an actor/comedian/director/producer who has been a familiar face on Spanish-language TV since the 1980s, starring in Mexican soap operas such as Anabel and Papá soltero. In recent years, he has also begun appearing in klassy Hollywood films such as Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Jack and Jill, and Miracles from Heaven.

The real reason Mr. Derbez is able to afford a $7.75 million house in the 90210, however, is because he created, directed, and produced the highly-successful XHDRbZ and La familia P. Luche sitcomes, which went into (highly-lucrative) syndication with both the Televisa and Univision giant networks. In recognition of his success, Mr. Derbez received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame earlier this year (2016).

But we digress. Yolanda carefully perused property records and from what we can tell, the subject property was purchased by a real estate developer named Alan M. Shafer three years ago for just $1,750,000. The industrious Mr. Shafer quickly tore down the existing 3,000-square-foot house and replaced it with a big-but-not-oppressively-huge 5,343-square-feet of architectural pizazz.

The somewhat-ominous-looking front facade lacks any street-facing windows on the first floor, assuring celeb-style privacy. A two-tone paint job (or three-tone if y’all count the black garage door) keeps things fresh and different from all those other bright white contemporaries that litter these hills.

Guests wishing to gain access must enter through a front courtyard (more like a gated walkway, really) and step over a bubbling fountain to reach the inside. We’re not gonna lie, Yolanda was very impressed by the gallery-style entrance foyer that provides a straight-shot view past the formal dining table, throught the floor-to-ceiling glass walls, over the infinity-edged pool and to the thickly-wooded Benedict hills. The floors are black tile.

Speaking of the dining table, it appears to be forged from either black marble or (more likely) an ebonized wood of some sort. Then there’s one of those nifty dual-sided fireplaces, on the opposite side of which is a clubby living room overlooking the mature pines out back.

One fab thing about this house is that the view faces west, meaning those iconic California sunsets are a daily feature up here.

As you’d expect, the kitchen is sleek, chic, and uber-contemporary. The center island looks bigger (or at least longer) than most Porsche 911s and the black-glass countertops look snazzy but are probably fingerprint hell — not to mention the glass wine cellar and super-expensive Miele appliances. Six bar stools adorn the table — perfect for Ms. Rosaldo, Mr. Derbez and his four kids  Aislinn Derbez, Vadhir Derbez, José Eduardo Derbez, and Aitana Derbez to enjoy an informal meal together.

Check out that black recessed shelf in the middle of the cabinetry. Kinda cool — we can’t remember seeing anything like that before.

Oh, one other thing we like about this house is the lack of all those round recessed lights that are ubiquitous in new construction — no matter the style of home — these days. (We can only imagine that whoever invented that annoyance must be a billionaire by now!)

Whoops! Yolanda spoke too soon. Look what we got here! But it ain’t an overload, thankfully.

The structure contains a total of 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. And swankiest, natch, is the master suite. In the listing’s own words, the room features “45 feet of retractable glass doors to a private landscaped terrace, while the master bath boasts a custom book matched marble clad master shower w/ steam, three rain showers & a wall of glass to canyon vistas.”

There you have it.

The media room — or media nook — features a surround-sound system and a rather fratty-looking leather couch. No thanks on that piece!

Although the 1.06-acre cul-de-sac lot may seem generous on paper, the reality is that a significant portion of that is hillside. But the developer still managed to squeeze in plenty of outdoor living space, like that dining table and lounge-y area and what appears to be an outdoor fireplace along the side of the main structure. Plus, you’re just 10 minutes by car from the Polo Lounge at the world-famous Beverly Hills Hotel. Yummy.

As far as Yolanda knows — and we really don’t know much of anything — this is Mr. Derbez’s first-ever house in the US of A.

EDIT: Whoops. Yolanda is an idiot. Mr. Derbez still owns a contemporary house over in Pacific Palisades. He bought it back in 2014 for $4,250,000 and currently has it up for sale with an asking price of $5,599,000. Photos are here. And he’s also got a smallish penthouse in an unassuming WeHo building.

Other celebrities residing in this general area include crooner Taio Cruz, actress Stefanie Powers, and Calvin Harris. Yolanda has heard that Mr. Harris has security guards camped out on the street outside his $15 million compound 24/7  and some of his neighbors are a bit annoyed and not down with that shit. But that’s a story for another day, ain’t it?

Listing agents: David Kramer and Adam Press, Hilton & Hyland
Mr. Derbez’s agent: Gloria Carmona, John Aaroe Group

Close your eyes and let Yolanda read y’all a bedtime story. Deep in the dirty dusk darkness, far far away. While long lay the world in sin and error pining, some of us reach for something more.

We claw our way beyond this padlocked reality. Are we really just mere financial mortals, sloughing off our crinkly clothes at the end of each day, only to awake and run the same rat race? Over and over again. Rise and set. Rinse and repeat. Slaves to the almighty dinero, shackled to convention and societal mores. Except those of us who aren’t, of course. There must be more to life, more to this existence. What keeps us hurtling forward?

Hope.

Good heavens! Must we mope about so? We mustn’t, so let’s get down to brass tacks. Here’s a scenario. We want your opinion. If Yolanda were to tell you a story about a former beauty queen turned trashy reality show contestant who founded a billion-dollar business and became an international jetsetter with big property holdings in the USA’s priciest neighborhoods, what would you term that story, hmm? Would it be fairy tale or nonfiction?

It’s a fact, kids. Want proof? Take this big Brentwood spec-mansion. After sitting unsold for nearly two years, the place recently found a new owner who still paid a very A-list $12,750,000 for it. Yolanda finds no evidence of a mortgage on the property.

At first, Yolanda thought the cash-flush buyer might be his maroon highness Adam Levine. We knew he had been looking in this general area and in this general price range. But then property records cleared and we saw that the house was not acquired by Mr. Levine. Rather, it was purchased by a secretive corporate entity (“534 Crestline Drive LLC”) that links directly back to a North Carolina-based business law/management firm that specializes in managing the affairs of high net worth individuals and families.

Well, we tried every trick in the book in an attempt to find out who the buyer was, but to no avail. And yet — hope springs eternal! Finally, at long last, we got it sorted out and we can tell y’all that the new owners are a married couple named Paulo Lima and Jamie Kern Lima who have together forged a veritable cosmetics empire.

Did Yolanda ever tell y’all there’s a ton of money in makeup? Well, there is. It may not be the sexiest industry anymore (or maybe it is, we’re actually not sure) but it definitely has minted a bumper crop of beauty bajillionaires. There’s Kat Von D, who just bought that humongous Hancock Park house, there’s Randy Ray and Wendy Lewis who took it to the top in Trousdale, and then there’s our favorite — Miss Kylie Jenner. But perhaps the richest of them all is Jamie Kern Lima.

Mrs. Lima, you see, just sold the company she founded — IT Cosmetics — for a whopping $1.2 billion to L’Oreal. So she can afford $13 million houses all day long. And a lot more, too. But it wasn’t always clear skies and luscious lashes for the beauty maestra.

Growing up in the Seattle area, Mrs. Lima got her first exposure to the camera upon winning the 1998 Baywatch College Search and appearing in an episode of the silly series. (No word on whether she had a torrid affair with the Hoff or not.) She then switched gears, became Miss Washington, and competed for the crown in Donald Trump’s Miss USA pageant. Sometime around then, she auditioned — and was accepted — for the very first season of the endlessly-running reality show Big Brother. Here she is.

After finally being evicted from the Big Brother house (she finished in a very respectable 4th place and was the last woman standing), Mrs. Lima became a local news reporter in Portland, Oregon. But then she found it wasn’t her calling at all. So she packed her bags and enrolled in the ultra-selective Columbia Business School, where she earned an MBA. For those of y’all that don’t know, Columbia is consistently ranked as one of the best — and most selective — business schools in the whole damn world. It’s up there with Harvard and Stanford, kiddies. And guess who was her year’s graduation speaker! Mrs. Lima, natch.

It was at Columbia where the makeup mogul met her future husband, investment banker Paulo Lima. Randomly enough, Mr. & Mrs. Lima were the first-ever couple to be married at the Space Needle in Seattle. Eventually they moved down to Los Angeles. That’s where, in 2007, they were living in a rented Studio City studio apartment, trying to make ends meet.

That’s also where Mrs. Lima, who has some sort of hereditary skin condition, stumbled upon her gamechanger (lifechanger, really). She made her product and hustled enough to land a 10-minute spot on home-shopping juggernaut QVC. And the rest is, well, history. Hundreds of QVC appearances and countless sold-out product shipments later, here she is.

Whew. That’s quite the career ride, no? And yes, kids, it’s not very often that we get to write about a former Baywatch babe and reality show contestant buying a $13 million house — particularly one whose last name ain’t Kardashian or Hilton — but that’s what happened.

The 11,700-square-foot mansion lies in the hills north of Sunset Boulevard and down a narrow, quiet side lane. The house isn’t visible from the street — it’s set far back and down a driveway from the walled and gated entrance. A spacious grass-trimmed motorcourt is fronted by three garage bays. Steps lead up to the front door, which opens into a double-height foyer (per the listing).

The two-story entrance drops down mullet-style to three floors out back. Naturally, the house is outfitted with a swanky Creston home automation system with cameras and gizmo gadgets galore and can be controlled via a plugged-in smart phone.

Just make sure you’re not using a Samsong Galaxy S7, or the house is liable to go kaboom.

A white stacked-stone fireplace and a vaulted beamed ceiling makes the living room feel luxe.

More unexpected is the gourmet “chef’s kitchen”, the design of which skews a bit more traditional than Yolanda would have expected in an otherwise relentlessly contemporary home. For God’s sake, the cabinets actually have visible handle pulls! This will never do!

Well, at least Mr. & Mrs. Lima have the de rigueur Calacutta marble countertops, ultra-high-end Wolf and Miele appliances, and an infestation of those pesky circular recessed ceiling lights.

The listing says the house sports three theaters (!!!) but we just can’t fathom how that’s possible. Just…. why? Would Mr. & Mrs. Lima be down to rent out their place as a high-end boutique the-a-ter? If Brenda’s there, Yolanda is coming over too.

The hefty structure contains a Brady Bunch-sized 8 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms. The top-level master bedroom keeps it extra decadent with his and hers bathrooms and dual walk-in closets, at least one of which would be perfectly compatible with any one of the designer boutiques on Rodeo Drive.

The gym and the library-study are a bit smaller than Yolanda might have expected, but appear every bit as high-quality. The real star of the indoors, however, is the living space in the lower two photos. Not only does it feature walls and windows of glass and open directly to an outdoor dining balcony, the whole damn outside area is heated. It’s like one huge 1,200 square foot room. Pretty snazzy.

The sumptuous estate also includes a full guest house and complete outdoor kitchen/bbq set. To be honest, fair readers, this house really isn’t Yolanda’s style, but we can appreciate all those gee-whiz gadgets and gizmos that it provides. What we like most, however, is the limited yet lovely view of the rolling, peaceful Brentwood hills. You’d never know that nasty 405 was right on the other side, would ya?

It is Yolanda’s understanding that Mr. & Mrs. Lima reside primarily reside in New York City. We are quite certain they own something frightfully expensive out there in the Big Apple, but we must confess we don’t have an inkling as to where that certain something is. We wish we did. But for now we remain unfulfilled in that regard!

It’s kinda like life, right? The cattle car of the universe. We’re so preoccupied with getting comfortable, we never see our potential to become free. We just remain. Spinning, slipping, forever unsatisfied. But hope springs anew and tomorrow is another day. So rise and rinse and repeat.

The End.

Listing agent: Santiago Arana, The Agency
Jamie Kern Lima’s agent: Kurt Rappaport, Westside Estate Agency

Yolanda is going off the grid this Thanksgiving. No petulant grandchildren begging for cash, No more pervy neighbors trying catch us with our bloomers down (don’t ask). And sadly, no Aunt Maude nippin’ at the cooking sherry. Nope. We’re taking our candy apple red Caddy and hightailing it to an undisclosed location far, far away from the hustle and bustle of LA. We may or may not have limited internet service, we don’t know. But if you don’t see any stories from us until after Turkey Day, just know that Yolanda has not been assassinated. Most likely, anyway.

So cheerio, friends and foes.

Before we go, we wanted to give y’all something real good and juicy to tide you over until our return. See? Yolanda is a nice old hag. But we didn’t want to be typical about it, know what we mean? We didn’t want to run another tedious tale with pictures of an overpriced spec-mansion and lots of banal blah blah blah digression. We needed something! Something different. So we did what any smart old lady like us would do. We broke a hip, lit up a Marlboro, and set out on our porch. Then we thought and thought.

Somewhere about halfway through our ciggie, we decided to throw it all to hell. Who says we gotta cater to y’all, anyway? Yolanda is gonna discuss something personally interesting to her — a property that has intrigued us more than any other ever. We were gonna save this discussion for y’all’s Christmas/Hanukkah present, but too bad and so sad. Guess Yolanda ain’t giving out gifts this year! Don’t like it? Tough. Remember, this is our blog…

…but stick around. (We think even you naysayers might find something of interest in the below.)

Perhaps the most successful (or notorious?) of LA’s bumper crop of luxury spec-mansion developers is a guy named Nile Niami. And it’s no great secret that Mr. Niami is constructing an aircraft-warehouse-sized compound on a high plateau in LA’s traditionally stodgy Bel Air neighborhood. 944 Airole Way.

It’s also no secret that Mr. Niami plans to ask an utterly ludicrous $500,000,000 for the house upon completion. And no, we didn’t drunkenly insert an extra zero. It’s a $500 million home in Bel Air. Just a wee bit silly, ain’t it? But who are we to judge.

However, we should and will judge the hideous name Mr. Niami is slappin’ on his contemporary Hearst Castle. It’s called The One. No, seriously! We swear. Ugh. Have y’all ever heard a more pompous and sickeningly self-indulgent name than that? We’ll grant you that the name fits the property perfectly. But come on now, Mr. Niami. We oughta slap the dickens outta ya for that foolishness.

But we digress. Mr. Niami is somewhat publicity-shy, so naturally we were super excited when he gave a rare and lengthy interview to Christopher Bagley for GQ. At the Bel Air construction site, no less! He discussed the future complex’s hedonistic amenities at length: tennis court w/ viewing pavilion, five swimming pools, a 6,000-square-foot master suite, a VIP nightclub, jellyfish tanks instead of walls. You know, all the typical crap.

Designed by prolific contemporary mansion architect Paul McClean, the compound will have roughly 100,000 square feet of living space, which is so utterly absurd that Yolanda can barely process it.

But it was what Mr. Niami refused to discuss that really gobsmacked us. You see, Mr. Niami does not even know — or at least claims not to know — who sold him the property that he is transforming into the world’s most expensive home (should it sell for its attention-garnering asking price). And he also refused to disclose how much he paid for the privilege of owning this piece of land. Doesn’t all that seem weird?! It sure seems weird. At least to us.

Here’s something even more bizarre. That four-acre promontory, which sports 360 degree views of the city, the mountains, and the Pacific Ocean, was vacant and woefully neglected for years prior to Mr. Niami’s purchase. The photo above shows the level of decay involved. It got to the point where the old mansion on the property (which was rather stunning in its heyday, as y’all shall soon see) appeared close to crumbling.

Of course, everyone should already know that Yolanda is a nosy beotch. And we love a good challenge. We truly believe, kiddies, that our best stories are the ones that do not come easy. So we dove into the murky depths of property records and resolved to find the truth.

Can you blame us? Someone out there — some shadowy, sinister individual — let one of Bel Air’s most lavish spreads fall into utter ruin. And putting aside our own personal curiosity about the matter, we can’t tell you how many questions about the former state of the property have come up over the years.

Seems lots of folks want to know what happened up there, so very long ago.

Well, nothing comes neat. And some questions are easier answered than others. For instance, it was relatively simple for Yolanda to uncover the amount of money Mr. Niami spent to acquire the derelict estate. We distinctly remember seeing off-market advertising materials floating around with an asking price of $29,995,000. And a combination of property records, tax records, and various other online resources all show that Mr. Niami paid $28,000,000 for the property in the last days of 2012. But of course, that begets yet more questions.

Where did that $28 million go? And to whom?

For months — even years — Yolanda couldn’t figure it out. The records on this one were locked up right tight, with the seller concealed behind a relentlessly opaque bank trust. But we know now. And yet, before we take this tale any further, let’s rewind. As with all juicy stories, it all started with a case of once upon a time.

Once upon a time, way back in 1918, there was born a girl named Jane O’Brien. Hollywood native Miss O’Brien seemed destined to become a movie star from an early age. As a teenager, she signed with Warner Bros. and made her feature film debut at 18 with the Perry Mason mystery thriller The Case of the Black Cat. 

Ms. Bryan (she altered her surname at the dawn of her career) gave perhaps her best-known film performance in the Bette Davis crime drama Marked Woman, and she was being prepped to become one of Warner Bros.’s biggest stars prior to her early retirement (at age 21!). You see, Ms. Bryan got caught up in a whirlwind romance with a drugstore magnate named Justin Dart.

It was Mr. Dart’s second marriage — he’d previously been hitched to drugstore heiress Ruth Walgreen. After learning the tricks of the trade from his father-in-law, he ditched Ms. Walgreen and set up his own business, which ultimately became enormously successful. Sometime in the 1940s, Mr. Dart and Ms. Bryan purchased a four-acre piece of land at 944 Airole Way and built a house that they christened “Winds Aloft“. The couple set up shop and lived happily ever after. Well, almost.

You see, kiddies, sometimes God doesn’t let the chips fall so tidy-like. In 1961, tragedy struck the Bryan-Dart household (and many other households). The Great Bel Air Fire seared its way into history. Along the way, the flames completely destroyed Winds Aloft. Fortunately (and most importantly!), nobody was hurt.

The wealthy couple were determined to rebuild on their burned-out lot, and even hired legendary architect A. Quincy Jones to design a new structure for them. But before construction could commence, the pair lost their patience and lickety-split bought a new house in nearby Holmby Hills. They didn’t forget their pal Jones, however. He worked with them to renovate and expand their Holmby Hills pad. (That structure was razed some years ago).

FYI, A. Quincy Jones built a house on a different Airole Way property that is currently owned by residual-rich actress Jennifer Aniston.

But we digress. So what happened to the old Winds Aloft lot?

he only thing we can confirm from publicly-available data is that a new structure was built on 944 Airole in 1968. This new house was much larger (in excess of 10,000-square-feet) and much more modernist than the previous traditional house occupied by Mr. Dart & Ms. Bryan. But we’re not sure who built it. And we also don’t know who the architect was.

However, and thanks to a leg up from our trusty pal Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial, we know that a certificate of occupancy was issued for the property in 1971. It very clearly shows that the current owner at that time was none other than the now-deceased billionaire Alfred E. Mann.

In 1979, property records show that Mann sold the house for an undisclosed price to a couple named Carl & Edith Press. Another certificate of occupancy — this one dated from 1981 — indirectly backs that up.

It seems that Mr. & Mrs. Press hailed from Germany, where they owned a big freight company called Deugro. Beyond that, there’s precious little publicly-available info on the property from the year 1961 onwards.

However, one thing ain’t disappeared. Thank God for Hollywood! It’s well known that the house was used as a film location on several episodes of popular ’70s television shows, including two of Yolanda’s absolute favorites: Columbo and The Rockford Files. And as luck would have it, Yolanda managed to get her hands on a few stills from the episodes in question. Check out how 944 Airole looked in happier days. Photos courtesy of Rockford Files Film Locations and Columbo Screenshots.

At one time — as y’all can see — the house was irrefutably lavish. Big and glassy with a tennis court, guest house, and a huge pool. (Correction: a pool with a hokey-lookin’ slide.) In Columbo, it features quite prominently on the episodes “Most Crucial Game” and “Murder By The Book”. In the former, the house was used as the residence of a murdered young billionaire playboy. In the latter, it was the home of the wealthy murderer (he dumped his partner’s body on the front lawn).

Here’s Peter Falk inspecting the property. Ostensibly he’s searching for a body or some such nonsense, but Yolanda knows why he’s really up there at Airole. He just wanted to lust after the house. Get a good last gander before Niami started swingin’ the wrecking ball. Duh!

We feel you, lieutenant.

“Just one more thing…”

From all this we can infer two things for certain: Given that these episodes were shot in the early ’70s (we think), it must’ve been Mr. Mann who allowed the film there. Clearly, he was not afraid of a little publicity. But still the question remains: When — and why — did such a valuable (and cool) property fall into such shameful abandonment and neglect?

We are fairly certain that the house had been abandoned for at least a decade — and probably much longer — before Mr. Niami took possession in late 2012. As to the reason why it was left to rot? To do that we need to get inside the mind of the former owner. And for a long time, we had no clue who it was.

And then, after years of searching, we stumbled across something we should’ve noticed long ago. The exact same anonymous numerical bank trust that owned and sold the Bel Air estate also owns a tiny bungalow in an not-glamorous area of Santa Monica.

As we combed through the Santa Monica property’s records for any clues, we stumbled across a name, a name very clearly tied to the mysterious bank trust. Rita Kogan.

At first we thought this was all some bizarre mistake, that the tiny Santa Monica house wasn’t associated with the massive Bel Air property at all. But then we noticed Ms. Kogan’s name is also linked to the little house next door, and the little house two doors away, too. In total, there are four contiguous Santa Monica bungalows listed in property records as being owned by Ms. Kogan and/or mysterious bank trusts. And all appear — like the Bel Air spread — to be in various stages of decay and neglect.

That’s right, y’all. Property records show that this enigmatic Ms. Kogan lady is quite obviously linked to the spooky bank trust that sold the Bel Air estate for $28 million to Mr. Niami. But just who is this gal, hmmm? She’s virtually un-Googleable, so we had to do some asking around.

As it turns out, this is yet another case of once upon a time.

Once upon a time there lived a Russian Jew named Michael Kogan. Mr. Kogan grew up in Manchuria because his family had fled Ukraine during the Russian Revolution. As an adult, he settled in Tokyo and founded a corporation called Taito in 1953. Taito’s first business was importing and distributing vending machines, and it later became the first company to sell vodka in Japan. But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Mr. Kogan stumbled over his figurative gold mine — video games.

Yes, everyone, Mr. Kogan was a video game billionaire. Perhaps the first ever, we don’t know. But we do know that he is the guy responsible for Space Invaders, the title that many credit with kickstarting the modern video game era. Space Invaders wasn’t just successful, kiddies, it was a worldwide phenomenon. It grossed $2 billion bucks in just four years (equivalent to $7+ billion in today’s dollars)

The closest modern success story that truly compares is probably Minecraft. And yes, it was that huge. Space Invaders was the Star Wars of video games, essentially.

A former advisor to Mr. Kogan described him as “fabulously wealthy” with a “computer games empire” in Japan and “all over the world”.

Unfortunately for Mr. Kogan, he didn’t get much time to enjoy his earthly riches. In 1984, only about six years after the launch of Space Invaders, he unexpectedly died of a heart attack. It was widely reported that the capital he left behind — the bulk of which was inherited by his two children — was the largest inheritance ever left by a foreigner in Japan.

Mr. Kogan also left two adult children behind. His son, Abba, is a rather flashy gentleman who lives in Monaco and is one of the world’s foremost car collectors. And indeed, he’s owned some of the finest vehicles ever produced. His 1939 Auto Union D-Type was valued at $12 million USD back in 2007, making it — at that time — potentially the most expensive car in the whole world.

So that’s all well and good. But Mr. Kogan’s daughter, Rita, seems to be an entirely different personality than her brother. Despite her (obviously) enormous wealth and power — as of 2005, records show she was still one of Taito’s largest shareholders — she has spent most of her adult life living in relative anonymity in Los Angeles, where she reportedly fancies horses over cars. Although we once had a picture of the lady, it seems we’ve misplaced it and there’s nothing out there on the interwebs. Ah, well.

That’s not to say Ms. Kogan avoids the limelight entirely, however. Back in 1993, she got hitched — in the Beverly Hilton ballroom — to a man named Richard Edlund. Mr. Edlund is a seven-time Oscar-winning visual effects guru who is known to have a close personal friendship and working relationship with George Lucas. He’s also known for his groundbreaking work on the original Star Wars trilogy — work that brought him his first Academy Award and vaulted him to bonafide legend status in his industry.

Mr. Edlund & Ms. Kogan remain married, so kudos on being together a Hollywood eternity.

So how did a trust clearly linked to Rita Kogan end up selling a $28 million abandoned Bel Air compound?

Unfotunately, tater tots, that particular puzzle piece remains lost in the sands of time. But it’s worth noting that Mr. Kogan — despite being a citizen of Japan — died right here in Los Angeles, ostensibly on a business trip. Is it possible that Mr. Kogan acquired the huge Bel Air spread before his death and eventually it was passed down to his daughter? That’s what we suspected, at least initially. But the timeline doesn’t add up. Mr. Kogan died in 1984, and Carl Press — the recorded owner in 1981 — doesn’t appear to have sold it until the late 1980s, or perhaps even as late as the 1990s. Our friend Vlad the Revealer stumbled over evidence that indicates the property transferred for exactly $5,000,000 in 1995, so perhaps it was Mr. Press who sold it to Ms. Kogan and/or Mr. Edlund at that time. Or perhaps not. It’s all a bit of a mystery, buried in the sands of time.

But what’s not a mystery is that Ms. Kogan and Mr. Edlund continue to own a very cool house in the Little Holmby neighborhood of Los Angeles, just across Sunset Boulevard from Bel Air and practically next door to UCLA.

Built in 1937 by iconic architect Richard Neutra and known as the “Kaufman House” (not to be confused with Neutra’s more well-known “Kauffman Desert House” in Palm Springs), the simultaneously austere yet beautiful structure is the master’s take on International Style. According to An Arch Guidebook of Los Angeles, the house’s main living spaces open out towards the rear garden and away from the busy-busy street out front. Glass doors on the second floor lead out to a sizable roof deck. Property records say the structure contains 2,886-square-feet with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms.

WARNING: If you’re an architecture porn lover, y’all may want to skip this next photo or at least down a cocktail (or two) before viewing. Unfortunately, the ol’ gurl has let herself go. Here’s how she looks today.

Okay, so it could be worse. But it just ain’t right to let a lovely Neutra to fall into that state of neglect! She still looks salvageable, but we worry what she’ll look like in 5 or 10 years if Ms. Kogan & Mr. Edlund don’t throw some cash at this beotch.

The house was originally purchased by Mr. Edlund alone way back in 1983 for just $460,000. Following their ’93 wedding, Ms. Kogan’s name was added to the deed. At some point, however, it appears they decamped from the home.

Are y’all keeping track? Property records show that Ms. Kogan and/or Mr. Edlund (and/or trusts associated with one or both of them) sold the huge Bel Air spread to Nile Niami and own a run-down Santa Monica compound and a vacant-looking Neutra in Little Holmby. So where do they actually reside, hmmm?

We were stumped, kids. Where, oh where, could the crafty couple be? Did they skip town?

Nope. Much to our surprise, some time ago Yolanda queried a handful of our closest confidantes and Mr. Deep Throat — a man who is actually acquainted with Mr. Edlund — told us that the uber-rich pair still live in Los Angeles. And right under Yolanda’s very nose!

Brentwood, baby. According to Mr. Deep Throat, the couple live in a huge compound there. And right up the street from one of our favorite LA haunts — the Brentwood Country Mart!

At first Yolanda didn’t believe it, because we thought we’d already know if it were so. But when we took a look at property records, Mr. Throat’s assertions seemed correct. There are three houses on an itsy-bitsy cul-de-sac in the equestrian-friendly Sullivan Canyon neighborhood that are all owned by suspicious-looking entities of the very same unusual type that owned and sold the Bel Air complex. And Yolanda has since confirmed for herself that Mr. Edlund & Ms. Kogan currently reside right here with assorted staff.

The first and largest property acquired was a 5,478-square-foot sprawler, purchased back in August 2006 for $7,950,000. Then in June 2009, the modest ranch house next door sold for $2,775,000. The final sale came in November 2009, when the very ordinary-looking across the street sold for $4,417,500.

For all you math-challenged readers, that means entities allegedly associated with Ms. Kogan and/or Mr. Edlund laid out a whopping total of $15,142,500 for the complete 2.23-acre compound. And this was several years before Ms. Kogan (allegedly!) sold the Bel Air spread, so the pair obviously have a very serious amount of money.

It should be noted that none of these three Sullivan Canyon properties actually have Ms. Kogan or Mr. Edlund’s names attached to the deed. Rather, all three homes were acquired using sneakily-named bank trusts. There’s one called “224 Trust” and one called “Frank Sylvester Trust” and one called “Irene Gerard Trust”. Props on the clever titles.

Some of Mr. Edlund & Ms. Kogan’s closest celebrity neighbors in Brentwood include mega-producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Ryan Murphy, Diane Keaton, and Ari Emanuel — who recently dropped a bundle on a cool pad. But we digress.

In addition to her Santa Monica bungalows and Brentwood compound, a deep dive through property records reveals that Ms. Kogan continues to own several other pieces of real estate. These include an apartment in Beverly Hills and one — or possibly two — luxury condos in the Wilshire Corridor area.

Now then. That’s enough of all that. We gotta hit the road or we’ll miss, you know, whatever it is we’re gonna do. And don’t worry, we aren’t going to try to visit Saint Nick up at the North Pole again. We learned our lesson last year. Man alive, we coulda sworn the Caddy was all wheel drive. They weren’t kiddin’ when they said folks don’t make ’em like they used to.

Be good.

EDIT: (Yolanda removed the original pic we had up here. Our hoity-toity sister, Ethel Yakketyyak, left a disdainful-sounding voicemail reminding us that there might be little kids reading this site. No more PG-13 pictures. Boo hiss.)

Our bitches over at Dlisted kept it trendy for Turkey Day by featuring some innovative turkey-bootie-cum-peen-head-hats on their site. But since Yolanda is an old lady and not up with these new-fangled gadgets and gizmos, we’re going traditional and serving y’all up some banquet-sized rump roast. Imported from Armenia and 78% silicone, kiddies. Even the vegans among y’all can find something to munch on up in there.

And no, that is not Yolanda serving all you fools, so don’t get it twisted. That would be our assistant Eumphemia. We don’t do heavy platters or household chores or walking or any man not named Paul Newman. Got it? And anyway, we’re luxuriating on an undisclosed tropical island.

But we digress.

We are so, so thankful for our little growing cadre of loyal readers and we wish you peace, love, joy and hearty laughter with your families today. Just don’t bring up politics. If your family is like Yolanda’s it will positively end with fistfights, shattered china, and a gallon of Four Roses. Okay, that actually might be a sorta-fun ending. But there are better ways to wind up there, right?

Happy Thanksgiving! And we can’t wait to write about the turkey bootie billionaire’s future new mansion.

If you’re a frequenter of all them real estate columns and publications, you probably know that high-priced fashion tycoon Tom Ford has been on a rather extended hunt for a major estate in the toniest neighborhoods of Los Angeles.

Earlier this year, his $53 million (or so) escrow for the big Beverly Hills spread of love-her-or-hate-her interior designer Kelly Wearstler and her richie-rich real estate investor hubby Brad Korzen was abruptly aborted for not-publicized reasons. Too bad for Ms. Wearstler and Mr. Korzen. But honestly, y’all, Yolanda really doesn’t care about those two so we’re not even gonna attempt our normal fake tears schtick.

As always, one rich dude’s (and/or dudette’s) loss is another rich dude’s (or dudette’s) gain. In this case the gainers are (presumably) the three adult children and heirs of international fashion icon Betsy Bloomingdale, who strode down heaven’s catwalk just this past July (2016) at the ripe old age of 93 and whose longtime Holmby Hills compound was quickly made available for purchase on the down low.

Our Mama at Variety first reported the impending sale of Mrs. Bloomingdale’s longtime home to Mr. Ford and now Yolanda hears from all corners that although property records do not yet reflect an ownership transfer, the deal is done, done, done. The purchase price, we have been told, is significantly below the $55,000,000 off-market ask (apparently Tom Ford is a bargain-hunter!), but “in excess” of $40 million.

Clearly, Mr. Ford is a very rich man.

Should that rumored number be proven correct, it would make this deal the fourth-largest residential sale in LA County for 2016 (so far). And that’s worth noting because it means that all four largest sales went down in the Holmby Hills neighborhood. You must understand, kiddies — that’s a very big deal. Sure, Holmby Hills has always been full of rich folks. But the neighborhood is tiny! Barely 10 streets and most of them are damn short! And yet the area absolutely murdered the 2016 real estate game. RIP.

Since the deal was totally off-market, Yolanda has no official pics to share with y’all. And that’s a right damn shame in this case because the house is Old Hollywood glamorous-ness realized. Mrs. Bloomingdale was, after all, the widow of Bloomingdale’s heir Alfred Bloomingdale, and the couple wielded their considerable power and influence (not to mention their limitless finances) to wine and dine every 20th century head of state , business titan, and society sphinx in their Holmby casa. The ol’ gurl has had more foreign potentates, politicians, and Hollywood elite inside her than Marilyn Monroe and Lindsay Lohan combined. No joke.

The house was originally built in the 1920s as a Spanish Colonial, but in the 1950s the Bloomingdales hired actor-turned-interior-designer Billy Haines to “reimagine” it as a Hollywood Regency, the successful results of which you see above. BTW, Haines also did up the now-razed Pacific Palisades home of Mrs. Bloomingdale’s BFF, the late Nancy Reagan. But we digress.

From what we can tell, the estate sports a tennis court, full-sized swimming pool with pool house, extensive formal gardens, large motor court, and a detached garage with staff living quarters directly above the parking spaces. The main house, per property records, weighs in at just under 10,000 square feet with 9 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms.

The Bloomingdale pool house is a rather lovely, low-slung affair.

Mr. Ford’s current LA residence is a rather stunning and meticulously-maintained 1955 structure by master architect Richard Neutra. Sited on a very good corner of perennially high-nosed Bel Air, it’s got 3 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms in a puny-by-billionaire-standards 3,795-square-feet. The high-hedged “Brown-Sidney House” (as it is known) was acquired by Mr. Ford and his husband Richard Buckley back in 2000.

Mr. Ford also has a mansion-sized house in a luxury Santa Fe enclave and a Paris apartment, about which we must confess we know precious little. But the most stunning property currently within Mr. Ford’s portfolio has got to be his 20,000+ acre ranch outside Santa Fe, New Mexico.

The massive compound features a long, low, minimalist main residence with walls of glass and concrete. The Marmol Radziner-structure is surrounded by a reflecting pool the size of a small ocean that must’ve cost a fortune to engineer and construct. Then there are separate staff quarters, two guest houses, and the actual movie town from 1985’s Silverado. 

The whole thing drinks in the barren, forbidding surrounding landscape in a magical way. Which must be why the spread currently has a dumbfounding $75 million pricetag slapped on it. Yolanda can’t fathom who would be in the market for a $75 million ranch outside Santa Fe, but whoever they are — we’d like to be their BFF so we can visit this place.

In any case, kiddies, we wish Mr. Ford continued success and Yolanda sends him our congratulations on getting himself a sweet Black Friday deal on what is — we are quite certain — a truly major LA estate in every sense of the phrase.

Although this next sale actually happened over a year ago, and Yolanda and Our Mama and a bunch of other folks chatted about it months ago, this is the first time Yolanda — or anyone, as far as we know — has gotten around to discussing talent manager extraordinaire Guy Oseary‘s petite new house up in the B.H.P.O. (Beverly Hills Post Office).

We’re not sure why it took so long to get around to this one, but we kept passing it up in favor of sexier stories. But whatever, we’re here now. Better late than never, ya?

Unsurprisingly, Mr. Oseary’s new acquisition — acquired on the down-low in an off-market deal and through an untraceable blind trust — lies immediately adjacent to his current main residence. It’s quite common, after all, for celebrities, big business executives, and other richie-rich folks to expand their holdings by purchasing adjacent homes. But this particular purchase is a bit unusual for a couple of big reasons, both of which we’ll discuss in a hot minute. But first, some stats.

Property records reveal Mr. Oseary shelled out $4,275,000 for the modestly-scaled 3,265-square-foot 1974 cottage with its 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. The end-of-cul-de-sac structure features an ivy-covered detatched garage, a gated-and-hedged courtyard, and numerous oak and sycamore trees. The property spans a generous .61-acre, a significant portion of which is hillside. But it does squeeze in a dark-bottomed backyard swimming pool. The seller of the house, also per property records, was bigshot film producer Paul Hertzberg.

Meanwhile, Mr. Oseary’s current home is a much larger and more modern affair that contains an A-list-sized 10,560-square-feet of living space with 6 beds/8 baths and for which he paid $6,250,000 way back in 2005. There’s a tennis court, broad lawns, a formal garden, and a rectangular pool, all of which fit nicely on the fat 1.22-acre lot.

For those who don’t know, the usually-glowering Mr. Oseary is best-known as Madonna’s longtime manager. He’s also a film producer and tech investor and — obviously — a very rich fellow.

Now, here’s the two unusual things about this acquisition. Mr. Oseary’s current home is located in a celebrity-infested guard-gated-community (well, actually, there’s a guard shack but no gate. But we digress). His new second house, however, while adjacent to his main residence, is not located in the same community at all. To access the new guesthouse/whatever by car, Mr. Oseary must depart his main residence, drive down the hill and out past the guard house, make a hard left onto Coldwater Canyon (a nearly-impossible task during rush hour traffic), drive a quarter-mile around a steep blind curve, then make another sharp left onto a barely-there cul-de-sac, drive down a short but treacherously-steep hill, and arrive at his new guest house or whatever it is.

Yolanda knows what y’all are probably thinking at this point. “Who needs a car? Mr. Oseary can just walk to the new house!”.

But not so fast. Although the two properties do border each other, they are separated by a fairly steep canyon that makes poppin’ over next door a real strenuous hike. Imagine Mr. Oseary’s maid trying to haul a Costco-sized box of toilet paper over to the guest house! She’ll be cursing him out the whole way.

The only way this conundrum can be solved, kiddies, is if Mr. Oseary were to build a bridge or even install a gondola to shimmy his lanky self through the trees and over the dark canyon. Wouldn’t that be a sight to witness?

Anyway, the guarded B.H.P.O. community where Mr. Oseary resides has a reputation for being the most celebrity-stocked enclave in all of Los Angeles. And let Yolanda tell you — that rep is wholly deserved. Besides Mr. Oseary, current residents include his BFF (and investment partner) Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban, Penelope Cruz & Javier Bardem, Nicole Richie & her Madden boy, Cameron Diaz & her Madden boy, Zoe Saldana, Jennifer Lawrence, and Adele.

He may no longer be the phenomenon he was back in ’99 — at least not in the USA — but in case y’all didn’t know, Puerto Rican pop star Ricky Martin is still working, still touring, and still rich as hell.

Take a look at this. A very renovated and “reimagined” (wink wink) mid-century modern in the 90210 just sold for an extremely A-list $13,500,000. The buyer? A mysteriously-named LLC. Humph! When she saw that, Yolanda’s eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared. We resolved to find out who the big-bucks culprit was. But first, we enjoyed our holiday weekend. We met up with a bunch of other old ladies. And then we all put on wigs, got drunk, and rolled dice. Yup. Just like that.

After we finished our game and began slapping a few fools, we were more than a little surprised to find out the new owner is our Mr. Martin. Frankly, y’all, we didn’t know he still had this much cash. And we also didn’t know that he fancied a return to LA. As far as Yolanda knows, Mr. Martin hasn’t owned a house here in a full decade. More on that a bit later.

But yes, Mr. Martin does have the cash. Duh. The US of A may have forgotten about him, but the rest of the world still loves seeing him shake his bon-bons and whatever else he does on stage. He’s still releasing critically-acclaimed albums, still popping up as a judge on The Voice Australia (that’s kinda random, but whatevs), and a couple months ago he released a duet with Columbian singer Maluma that already has nearly 200 million views on the YouTube. That sounds like a lot to Yolanda!

Oh, and Mr. Martin also got engaged recently, as he announced on the Ellen show. His husband to-be is a Swedish fellow named Jwan Yosef. Congrats! (We hope our invite doesn’t get lost in the mail yet again!)

Anywho, although the house has a 90210 zip code, it’s actually located on one of the best streets of an area commonly referred to as Beverly Hills Post Office or Beverly Crest because it’s technically the city of Los Angeles. Also worth noting is the fact thaat the property backs directly up to the super-posh Holmby Hills neighborhood and is just around the corner from the exclusive Harvard-Westlake middle school, where total tuition and fees can exceed $40,000 per year. With this huge purchase, coupled with the fact that he’s about to get hitched and his twin sons are now 8 years old, Yolanda wonders if Mr. Martin might be planning to reside and raise his kids primarily in Los Angeles. We shall see!

As for the structure itself, it was originally built in 1953 by acclaimed mid-century architect Gregory Ain for his psychiatrist, Dr. Fred Feldman. Yes, Mr. Ain designed a home for his shrink. How wonderfully Hollywood of him, ain’t it?

Anywho, the “Feldman House” was once a right lovely 2,616-square-foot, 4-bedroom 2-bathroom abode. Over the decades, however, time happened. The landscaping got ratty and the house — while still gorgeous — suddenly became far too cramped for a modern millionaire’s needs. And then there came the giant pussycat sculpture, which Yolanda refuses to discuss any further. Quite frankly, y’all, there are no words.

In 2014, the house was sold for just $3,000,000 to a real estate developer named Josh Borris. Our Mr. Borris “renovated” the house. Take a gander at the YouTube video construction documentary, however, and y’all can see that Mr. Borris’s definition of renovation entails taking the original house down to the studs and essentially rebuilding from scratch.

Now, y’all can weigh and discuss Mr. Borris’s renovations amongst yourself. We’re sure some folks will like the spiffy, contemporary new home. Other original-MCM preservationists, however, will no doubt gasp and clutch their pearls over this sacrilege.

But Yolanda will say that Mr. Borris is clearly an astute man who knows how to turn a big profit and he gave today’s buyer what today’s buyer wants. The proof is right there in the $13.5 million sale price.  And let’s face it, Mr. Borris deserves to be commended for keeping the footprint of the original house intact, rather than simply razing and building anew. Y’alls opinion of the changes — whether you feel they enhance or bastardize the original Ain — aside, that certainly wasn’t the easiest (or cheapest) way to go.

The walled and gated house sits below the street and well beyond outsiders’ sightlines. Perfect for celeb-style privacy. While still a low-slung, mostly single story affair, the structure now clocks in at a mansion-sized 11,300-square-feet with 7 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms. The kids at Curbed described the whole thing as a “fancy rehab center“. So there you have it.

The wooden front door swings open to a foyer with trendy white oak flooring. Around the corner is the family room, which features a king-sized wet bar and walls of glass overlooking the woodsy, nearly 1-acre yard.

The showpiece of the house is the master suite. Lookie here, Mr. Martin, check out that nifty (but somewhat gimmicky) three-sided fireplace. Then there are dual his-and-hers bathrooms (his and his in Mr. Martin’s case), both of which sport glass-walled showers that open to an inner courtyard area. So your voyeuristic self can watch your partner shower. And then y’all can meet for some naked tea-time in the courtyard.

Sexy! Just watch out for those pesky drones.

Walls of glass feature prominently in the estate, true to the original Ain intention. At least in spirit.

Outdoor living spaces include a somewhat hokey-lookin’ setup around a rock fountain and a chair danglin’ ominously from a tree that appears to be growing into the ground. Damn, boy — what’s up with that deathtrap? Seriously.

One thing we think everyone will agree upon is that the new pool is an improvement on the old pool. That’s because the original house did not have a pool.

Mr. Martin’s new house lies just a couple doors down and around the bend from a much-larger Tudor estate that is currently owned and occupied by Hollywood A-lister Sandra Bullock. A bit further up the same street are the enormous compounds of tycoons like Tony Pritzker, James Murdoch, and Dr. Phil.

Also just up the street from Mr. Martin’s new house is a hulking Mediterranean complex (below). That place was owned from 2004 to 2006 by none other than — wait for it — Mr. Ricky Martin. Clearly, our boy likes this neck of the woods.

Mr. Martin purchased the house for $10,900,000 and sold it just two years later for $15,000,000 to natural gas billionaire Michael S. Smith and his wife Iris, who continue to own the property.

As an aside, Mr. & Mrs. Smith made all the gossip rags earlier this year when they paid an astounding $110,000,000 for a three-parcel property on super-swanky Lily Pond Lane in the Hamptons. Not only is that the most-expensive sale in the entire USA for 2016, kiddies, it’s the fifth-largest deal of all time.

However, kiddies, the Smith family resides primarily in Los Angeles. Mr. Smith’s elder daughter Tara Smith Swibel owns a $9.6 million mansion in Brentwood. And their younger daughter Kaily Smith Westbrook — check out her baller-style wedding — owns an $11 million mansion in nearby Pacific Palisades.

But we digress. As for Mr. Martin, as far as we know he continues to own a home in Dorado, Puerto Rico as well as a villa in Madrid. Oh, and lest we forget — earlier this year he sold his NYC apartment at 40 Bond Street for $7,550,000 to a mysterious corporate veil with a Fort Worth (Texas) address.

Listing agent: Jana Bezdek, Teles Properties Inc.
Mr. Martin’s agent: Josh Altman, Douglas Elliman

Y’all have no idea how many tears Yolanda has shed over this next house. Lord have mercy. It was just so, so, so sad. A true tragedy for the ages. Oedipus has nothin’ on this. This house, this poor, mangled box of sorrow. Eons it sat — unloved, unwanted, forever alone.

We’re talking about the Beverly Hills manoir of British bazillionaire (and Idol creator) Simon Fuller and his wife Natalie. For years, Mr. Fuller labored in vain attempt after vain attempt to sell the ol’ clunker. This started way back in summer 2013 with an asking price of $21,900,000. And it lingered. The price chops happened. And it lingered. Mr. Fuller began begging, wailing in the streets. Still, it lingered…

As the years passed, the price cuts became deeper. Desperation reared its ugly head. And Mr. Fuller slowly began to fade. He began blubbering and heaving, so overcome with rage and sadness and confusion was he. Eventually he couldn’t even walk. He actually had to be carried everywhere, a la Bodyguard.

“We’re losing him…!!” a doctor snapped sternly as Mr. Fuller’s sad eyes lolled back in his skull and he involuntarily began muttering last rites over himself. Things were looking final. Funeral homes were contacted. Casket designers were consulted. A prime burial plot in a trendy cemetery entered escrow. Should the wake be minimalist or more Kelly Wearstler-style with a full marching band?

But lo! Look outside! From yonder faraway lands gallops a white stallion (how racist!) Who is this phantom rider? It is our buyer, Mr. Fuller’s savior!

Well, sort of. The “savior” paid Mr. Fuller just $14,600,000.

Now, kiddies, $14.6 million is still a ton of money. More than 99% of folks will make in their entire lives, probably. But still. That’s $7.3 million less than the starry-eyed Mr. Fuller originally wanted.

Ooh. Ouch. Burn. Rich people problems!

Now for the record, let’s keep it all real here. The estate was not actually acquired by a rabbit on a fat white stallion. Rather, it was sold to a corporate entity (“1020 Ridgedale LLC”), and the merciful new owner’s identity is locked up real tight  The only clue in public records is a Chicago law firm address.

You know what Yolanda did, right? We had to call up the brigade and open up an old-fashioned real estate investigation.

Imagine our surprise, pumpernickels, when we found out that the buyer is a low-profile Silicon Valley tech CEO named Gregory S. Clark, or simply Greg Clark for short.

Our Mr. Clark has been top dog at Symantec since July (2016). For those who don’t know, Symantec is the largest security company in the Silicon Valley with $3.6 billion in 2016 revenue. And it is also most definitely one of the largest in the whole wide world. Mr. Clark was previously CEO at Blue Coat, a smaller web security company that Symantec snapped up for $4.65 billion in cash this past summer.

Other than that, and despite the fact that he runs such a huge company, we don’t know too much about our Mr. Clark, other than he was born in Australia. And as to why he needs (or wants) a house in LA? Well, we’re not sure, but we do know that Symantec has a very large facility in the LA neighborhood of Culver City. Perhaps that has something to do with it; perhaps not.

Reasons aside, let’s have a look at the Fuller-cum-Clark mansion.

Stats: The Tudor-style house was originally built in 1925 and is located on a lightly-traveled dead-end street in one of Beverly Hills’ poshest neighborhood pockets, near the intersection of the BH, Holmby Hills, and the Beverly Hills Post Office area. Although marketing materials indicate the home has 8,000 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms, tax records peg it at just 5,084 with 3 beds/4 baths. Yolanda is unable to explain the significant discrepancy, but it might have something to do with the detached guest house. Lot size measures a sizable (but not huge) .88-acre. The property was acquired by Mr. Fuller in 2005 for $8,500,000.

Now kiddies, we know what y’all are thinking. You’re imagining that Mr. Fuller still walked away with millions in profit from his $14.6 million sale, right? But not so fast. Yolanda happens to know that Mr. Fuller spent years and a vast amount of money to transform this structure into the glamorpuss modern pad it is today.

Whatever you think of the result, let’s get one thing clear. This house was done up with only the finest materials and finishes available. Yolanda is absolutely, positively, 100% certain of that fact. Just look at these photos — normally we wouldn’t just let pictures talk — they lie far too often, those little bastards — but the craftsmanship on this place just screams money.

Now everyone will have their own opinion on style and architecture, of course. But just because the quality here is top-notch doesn’t mean we love the look. We don’t. It’s all a bit too slick and impersonal for Yolanda’s persnickety tastes. Looks a bit like a five-star boutique hotel.

Floors are of lustrous ebonized wood (probably imported from the Himalayas or some such nonsense), the gourmet kitchen features an island that appears carved from a solid block of marble, and those leopard-print chairs in the living room certainly cost more than a base Mercedes C-class.

That circular velvet couch is part of the screening room, which also features a full wet bar.

Surprisingly, however, the bar is not Yolanda’s favorite feature of this house. That honor goes to that sultry staircase. For some weird reason we just wanna lick it from the bottom to the top. My oh my.

The bedroom suites stay minimalist.

Clearly Mr. Fuller (and maybe Mrs. Fuller, too) is fond of imbibing. The wine cellar — and yes, that’s a real damn wine cellar, not one of those fake closet things — features space for thousands of vintages. And it looks quite full.

There’s also a rather lovely terrace with views over the surrounding treetops and a library (with gold books, natch) overlooking the front garden. Elsewhere on the premises is also a “fitness center”.

The landscaping and grounds were designed by Marmol Radziner, which means the greenery and terracing alone probably cost seven figures. But it sure looks pretty, don’t it?

Other residents on the same tiny and low-key but fearsomely expensive street include hedge fund honcho (and real estate baller) Jon Brooks, who lives in a house he bought from Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt about 100 years ago. Then across from Mr. Brooks lives the (allegedly) corrupt Indonesian politician/businessman Aburizal Bakrie. And at the very end of the street is a large Wallace Neff mansion that is being overhauled by Stuart Liner & Stephanie Hershey Liner, who bought it from Danny DeVito & Rhea Pearlman last year for about $26,600,000.

As for Mr. & Mrs. Fuller, they’ve already moved on to more expensive pastures. Way back in June 2014, they paid a baller-style $24,000,000 for a red brick mansion in the middle of stuffy ol’ Bel Air. The home was long owned and sold by Dole Foods billionaire David Murdock.

So dry your tears, Mr. Fuller. Your net worth is still somewhere in excess of $500 million. We know you want to blame the world for not appreciating your Beverly Hills masterpiece. You think — nay, you know that the house is worth far more than that. These uneducated slobs just couldn’t see it. We know.

But baby, don’t live a life of blaming others. For we were once in your position, too. Blaming the world for letting life escape us. We moped around, all cold and dark and elderly. But now the winds have changed! Yolanda is filled with a strange, bubbling new confidence, and we drive our Caddy so fast, the smoggy skyline of the city fading to dust behind us, our cigarette smoke dissipating in the strands of our plastic hair.

Simon Fuller’s agents: Drew Fenton & Trista Rullan, Hilton & Hyland
Greg Clark’s agent: Vangelis Korasidis, Coldwell Banker

Listen up real close because Yolanda is about to tell you a real estate secret. Well, okay, it’s not really much of a secret. But we’re gonna whisper it to y’all anyway.

Although the 90210 is (perhaps) the most famous and star-studded postal code in all the world, the vast majority of entertainment industry celebrities do not, in fact, reside in the city of Beverly Hills. There are certainly some notable, mega-rich exceptions — Taylor Swift and Ellen DeGeneres spring to mind — but by ‘n large even most A-listers eschew the hallowed streets of Beverly. Gasp!

There are a couple reasons for this, we think. First off is pricing. Despite their fatty-fat pocketbooks, multi-millionaire celebs can be just as cost-conscious as the Average Idaho Joe. (Unless their name is Nicholas Cage, of course). And houses in Beverly Hills proper tend to be overpriced even when compared to other pricey nearby neighborhoods. Lots of foreign and financier money flows up into there.

But the main reason, we believe, is because most homes in Beverly Hills do not provide the kind of seclusion that stars prefer. Who wants those loud-ass tour buses loitering outside their house every half-hour, right? So if they’re not living in some far-flung locale like Malibu or Hidden Hills, celebrities tend to congregate up in the Hollywood Hills and especially the Beverly Hills Post Office area, where the houses still sport that shiny 90210 zip code but are technically located within the city of Los Angeles.

As we say, privacy is tantamount to celebs and thus these woodsy B.H.P.O. areas (Coldwater Canyon, Benedict Canyon) suit them just dandy. All those myriad itsy-bitsy side lanes and cul-de-sacs and hidden estates are wondrously confusing. Even to an LA native.

Take today’s house, deep in the throes of Benedict Canyon. It’s about as celebrity pedigreed as they come. Truly an exquisite lineage on this beauty. Once in the hands of William Asher — director of I Love Lucy — the property was later acquired by actress Kate Jackson of Charlie’s Angels fame and fortune. Eventually musician Kenny G came to own the home, which he sold in the late 1990s to tennis legend Pete Sampras. It was Mr. Sampras, kiddies, who engineered and built the tennis court on the estate.

Anywho, Mr. Sampras sold the property in 2004 to bigshot film producer Jon Peters, who let it slip away in the divorce from his now-ex-wife, Mindy Peters. It was our ex-Mrs. Peters who just sold the place a couple months back for $5,250,000.

Naturally, Yolanda was curious about the identity of the new owner. But property records are locked up real, real tight, y’all. The only clue lies in the fact that the mysterious purchasing entity links directly back to a random P.O. box in an obscure, middle-class town outside Detroit, Michigan.

Michigan?!?! When we saw that, Yolanda suspected something sinister was afoot. Who from Michigan would buy a multi-million dollar house located in a dark canyon outside Beverly Hills? We asked and slapped everyone we knew but but it was a true dead-end road, kids. Nobody knew the secret (or would spill the jelly beans to us). Even our pal Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial was stumped.

Poor Yolanda was forced to call in reinforcements and open a right proper real estate investigation.

But never fear, y’all, we got it sorted out. We just happen to know that the new owners are none other than Kate Upton and her fiancee, pro slugger Justin Verlander. It’s not such a surprise, really. They both originally hail from Michigan. And they were papped LA-house-hunting only a few months ago.

Yolanda believes that Miss Upton is as close to a modern-day Jayne Mansfield as we’re ever likely to get. The all-American blonde bombshell has popped up here and there as an actress, but her real moneymaker is her buxom bosom. That’s not just Yolanda’s crass self talking, either. Good heavens, one of Google’s top search results for Miss Upton is entitled “Kate Upton’s Cleavage Cannot be Contained“.

Anywho, Miss Upton’s many appearances in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue have mader her a big ol’ celebrity. Oh, and in case y’all didn’t know, Miss Upton is also a rich heiress to the Whirlpool washing machine fortune. No joke.

Mr. Verlander, for his part, has played for the Detroit Tigers pro baseball team for the past decade or so.

Avid baseball fans may recall that our Miss Upton, bless her heart, caused a big ol’ stink recently when she had an old-fashioned, epic Twitter meltdown. We ain’t even know what she was yammering on about, to be honest, but it had something to do with Major League Baseball and Miss Upton was so stinkin’ mad. Oh Lordy, was she mad! She even said a bunch of real classy shit like “Hey @MLB I thought I was the only person allowed to fuck @JustinVerlander“.

Le sigh. Yolanda is of the opinion that all these hare-brained celebrities should be permanently banned from Twittering. Don’t it always seem that every time you turn around they’re causing some silly controversy by posting dumb Tweets or deleting dumb Tweets or apologizing for dumb Tweets? How about all of you just shut the Twat up, pretty please.

The ample 1.5-acre lot allows the 5,521-square-foot rambler to sprawl out behind a long black-topped driveway, gate, and a towering wall of mature trees, totally invisible from the well-trafficked canyon road below. The two-story, vaguely L-shaped structure is described in agent marketing materials as an “impeccable East Coast country home — the epitome of Southern California indoor/outdoor living”. And sure enough, many of the lower floor’s rooms have French doors opening to this or that red brick terrace or patch of emerald-green lawn.

The Tesla-driving Miss Upton will no doubt appreciate the spacious garage (not pictured, sorry) plus the ample additional off-street parking for wherever she feels like hookin’ up the cord.

The combo living room/library has vaulted, beamed wood ceilings and a large stone fireplace with the old-school mantle and hearth. The trendy light-colored wood floors are perhaps evidence that some renovations were performed here within the last few years.

Here you have the “gourmet chef’s kitchen”, per the listing. The scale is impressive, especially for a house this size. High-grade appliances, marble (?) countertops, and recessed lighting all make their expected appearances.

Quite possibly the best room in the home is the family room, with its vaulted, unvarnished-looking ceiling contrasting with the whitewashed walls. And there’s a full bar.

All told — and including the maid’s room — there are 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. The master suite has a fireplace, vaulted ceiling, dual closets and baths. At least one of said bathrooms has a built-in soaking tub slathered in a rather ’90s-lookin’ swath of beige tile. Also, is that wall-to-wall carpeting we spy on the floor?

One of the additional bedrooms has mirrored walls and a black (stone? marble?) shower. We feel bad for Miss Upton and Mr. Verlander’s maid having to clean that mess.

The backyard features an irregularly-shaped pool and petite spa. Views take in the forest-like canyon surroundings. Doesn’t that tree-and-flagstone terrace remind y’all of Redwood National Park? Call Yolanda crazy, but if we recall correctly they have a similar setup over there.

The sunken (and suspended!) proper north/south tennis court was built, as previously mentioned, by our very own Mr. Sampras.

By the by, remember how Yolanda told y’all that Benedict Canyon has a lot of celebrities? We weren’t just whistlin’ Dixie. The Upton-Verlander couple’s new next door neighbor happens to be none other than Fast and Furious superstar Vin Diesel.

Didn’t know Mr. Diesel lived in Benedict Canyon? Yeah, neither did Yolanda until quite recently. But in fact, he’s secretly owned a house there since way back in 2001, when he bought it for $2,250,000 (through a blind trust, of course). It’s out understanding that the property is currently undergoing some sort of renovation.

Mr. Verlander & Miss Upton’s other next door neighbor is a lady named Marjorie Goodson, who is loaded because her daddy Mark Goodson created just about every successful TV game show in history. The Price is Right, Family Feud, Password, What’s My Line — those are all Mr. Goodson’s productions. And just beyond Ms. Goodson’s house is the big-ass estate of rocker/reality TV star Gene Simmons.

Other famous neighbors within sugar-borrowing distance include “77 Sunset Strip” star Roger Smith and his Golden Globe-winning singer/actress wife Ann-Margret, Max Baer Jr. of the Beverly Hillbillies, film producer Mark Amin, British actress Anne Heywood, actor turned international producer Mark Damon and his actress wife Margaret Markov, and his maroon worshipfulness Adam Levine, who Yolanda has repeatedly heard is on the hunt for a big new house.

Whew. That’s a lotta big egos!

One last thing. Yolanda has a friend who happens to know that Justin and Kate invited their new next door neighbors (Vin Diesel and his girlfriend/baby mama Paloma Jimenez) over to shoot the breeze just the other day. The boozy crew sat out on the sunken/raised tennis court and tucked into several enormous martinis. Our friend just happened to be in the neighborhood, you see, and couldn’t help but overhear the conversation. We’re just relaying the scene as it was told to us, kiddies. Don’t judge.

“Can’t tell you how excited we are to have you as neighbors,” said the congenial Vin. “Let’s do some neighborly activities together! We’ve got this basketball court at our house, do either of you –”

“I love wearing uniforms,” Kate suddenly declared while picking something out of her teeth. “Reminds me of this crazy eight months I spent livin’ down in Charlotte. Y’all ever been there? Pretty as a damn picture. Lots o’ houses and trees ‘n shit. Sorta like here. Anywhos, I’m livin’ at this old dude Alfred’s ranch house or some shit and for like eight fuckin’ months my job is just to wear his dead mama’s overalls while groovin’ to the Allman Brother’s “Blue Sky” while he sat there watchin’. Man to this day, to this fuckin’ day, I can’t hear that damn song without rememberin’ ol’ Albert, sitting there on that hay bale, bawlin’ his fuckin’ eyes out while I gyrated all sexy in some ratty ass overalls. To this day, man. The nerve’a that ol’ rooster, right? Hey, can I smoke out here? ‘Course I can smoke out here, it’s my damn house. By the way, would you mind if I chopped down all these damn trees? I got this neat-o doublewide, sorta a family heirloom, ya see, and I need to store it up here. I’m thinkin’ of parkin’ it over on that big ball court of yours for awhile, whaddya say?”

Paloma looked horrified. Vin stammered, “Oh…um…er gee golly gosh, Katie, we love those old trees and using our basketball court. Won’t you reconsider?”

Kate’s eyes turned cold and angry. She puffed efficiently on her cigarette while speaking calmly from the side of her mouth.

“Vinny, did I ever tell you about the time I starred in that film noir? I was workin’ as a secretary at some high-class pantyhose boutique just outside Missoula. Pretty sure it was a front for the Russian mafia or somethin’ but I wasn’t askin’ questions. Anywhos, this yella lil fella walked in one day and said “Hey lady. Doing movie. But no sexy. Just —’ and he made like this pistol whippin’ motion. “Let’s do it, schnookums” I said. Anyways, we haul ass down to the river and there’s this lil houseboat with a Harley parked outside. Shady, right? But whatever, I pick up the .45, open the door and —”

“I’m sorry, Katie, but does this story have a point?” Vin rudely interrupted.

Kate smiled slyly and lit up another cig. She chuckled a low, smoky laugh.

“The point, darlin’, is that I know a whole grip o’ peeps that’d pay damn good money to see you six feet under. And that’s only the Japs.”

Vin’s eyes widened. Paloma fainted. Justin sobbed softly. Kate nodded smugly.

“So you put that in your peace pipe and blow that whistle, Sugarshack. Hey, there an Arby’s ’round here? Mama needs a big bag o’ Curlies right quick.”

Listing agents: Judy Feder, Hilton & Hyland; Steve Frankel, Coldwell Banker
Kate Upton & Justin Verlander’s agent: Susan Smith, Hilton & Hyland

This morning Yolanda took a look at our dozen (or so) most recent stories and we realized this blog has gotten a tad stale. Just way too much Beverly Hills and Bel Air and Brentwood. Too much LA in general. It’s high time we explored some greener, less hoity-toity pastures. But rather than visit some faraway place like London or Manhattan or ‘Frisco right at this moment, we’re gonna be lazy (it’s Friday) and keep it low-key with the San Fernando Valley neighborhood of Encino. Don’t hate, we’ll visit a more exotic locale on a near future date. We promise.

Yolanda normally avoids the Valley — don’t judge, we’re really old and crotchety and it just ain’t our cup of moonshine — but we’ll make an exception for the sake of variety and because people seem to like reading about these Valley stories for some odd reason.

Real estate out there is hot right now, just like it is all over LA. Lots of big new construction and multi-million dollar home sales. One particular spec-mansion — a 5,876-square-foot, 5-bed/5.75-bath affair — was recently listed for $3,999,000 and quickly sold for $3,750,000. The buyer’s identity is shielded behind the typical blind trust, but of course Yolanda happens to know that the new owner is Michelle Beadle, the television host of both the popular SportsNation and NBA Countdown shows on sports channel ESPN. Our Ms. Beadle is — per the Hollywood Reporter — the highest-paid female sportscaster in what is still an overwhelmingly male-dominated field. Girl power!

Before we get to the house, let’s run a quick and hodge-podge background check on our Ms. Beadle. Born to an Italian mother and a wealthy energy executive father, she was initially raised in the Italian countryside (lucky her!) but later moved to Texas, where she spent most of her childhood. Over the 15 (or so) years of her career, she’s worked as a host on a wide assortment of TV programs like Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, The Travel Channel, and The Discovery Channel.

Anyway, suffice to say that she has become one of the most recognizable faces in sports reporting and boasts the million-plus Twitter followers to back it up. Fun facts: Ms. Beadle loves dogs and has four of her own. Above is one of her fur children.

Per the gossip rags, Ms. Beadle currently dates and shacks up with Tony- and Grammy-Award winning actor/singer Steve Kazee. Perhaps with this big new acquisition, the couple are planning on settlin’ down and birthing some babies? We shall see!

But we digress. Onto the house. Now, let Yolanda tell you that you certainly get more house-bang for your buck in Encino than in Brentwood or Beverly Hills, but it’s all relative. It definitely ain’t anywhere near cheap for 99% of folks. This is what nearly $4 million buys you out there these days.

The house rests on a rather compact .31-acre corner lot on a broad, flat street. Rather surprisingly for a celeb-owned property, the lot is not completely walled and gated, but perhaps Ms. Beadle will undertake the task of making it so.

Anywho, the structure itself is described in marketing materials as a “Sophisticated Hampton’s Retreat”, which apparently translated to a front-facing three-car garage and the ubiquitous attempt at a Cape Cod-esque gabled roofline. Hmmm.

One thing for sure is that this Hamptons home is ready to party. The spacious fireplace-equipped family room is directly adjacent to an open-concept kitchen  that features not one but two center islands, one of which is rather cleverly utilized as a six-place, informal eatin’ table. Some serious bits of hardware include the 60-inch SubZero ref, glass-fronted wine closet/drawer, and Calacutta Gold-accented cabinetry (because why not!)

Elsewhere are a neutral-toned formal dining room and a fireplace-equipped formal living room with vaulted ceiling.

The home’s rather intimate theater has royal blue-hued paneled walls, stadium seating for six lucky guests, and an old-fashioned popcorn machine. Wonder if that comes with the house! At top right, even the home’s downstairs guest bathroom is done up very swanky.

Upstairs the boutique hotel-style master suite really outdoes itself on the luxury factor and looks to be larger than the average American’s house. The bedroom features a vaulted ceiling w/ sitting area, the bathroom sports dual vanities, a de rigueur soaking tub and a walk-in glass-enclosed shower w/ rainfall showerhead. Then there are two massive walk-in closets, each one looking better suited to a Rodeo Drive boutique than to a big suburban mansion in Encino.

Hmmm. Yolanda has seen staged houses and we’ve also seen unstaged houses. But we can’t recall the last time we saw a half-staged, half-unstaged house. Maybe Our Mama’s famous Staging Lady in her Pink Toyota ran outta room in her clunker? Or perhaps the untamed Valley wilds of Encino frightened her off!

The walled-in “resort-style” backyard isn’t particularly big, given the smallish lot size, but it does pack in a rectangular saltwater swimming pool w/ inset spa, a firepit, BBQ w/ outdoor kitchen, and a separate pool house/recreation room with mini-fridge and a 3/4 bathroom.

We’re not exactly sure where Ms. Beadle was shacking up before she copped this Encino crib, but per the kids at Curbed she’s been living in LA for most of the past year and had a “house in the hills”, which we are guessing she leased. She was also, until recently, the longtime occupant of a 3-bed/2.5 bath pied-a-terre in New York City

The apartment was purchased by Ms. Beadle’s richie-rich father (for her personal use) back in July 2008 for $1,966,000. After her relocation to LA, the Beadles dumped the 1,700-square-foot Upper West Side pad — located in a mostly charming townhouse co-op on 75th Street — for $2,100,000 this January (2016).

But we digress. We send our congrats to Ms. Beadle on her big new “I’ve made it” mansion in Encino, although Yolanda can’t fathom why she would need such a big house. But then again, she’s a really rich young lass and can easily afford a sizable mansion if she wants. And apparently she does want. So go on with your bad self, Ms. Beadle.

Listing agent: Andrew Manning, Berkshire Hathaway HomeService
Ms. Beadle’s agent: Mark Goldsmith, Coldwell Banker

Although the sale has yet to officially close, Yolanda happens to know that a recently-rebuilt house near the northeastern corner of the Hollywood Hills and just above the Cahuenga Pass will soon be sold for the full and strangely-complicated asking price of $2,999,999 (otherwise known as 3 million bucks, of course). The new owner will be a guy named Thierry Guetta, better-known to street art fans globally as Mr. Brainwash.

For all of you might not be familiar, let’s give you the Yolanda’s QuickNotes version of Mr. Thierry/Brainwash’s bio. He is an interesting character, to be sure. Born in France back in 1966, it is believed that he comes from a wealthy family who made their money in commercial Los Angeles real estate or something like that.

Mr. Brainwash — also known as MBW — first came to public attention back in 2008 with a self-financed Hollywood art extravaganza entitled Life is Beautiful. The show — which through extensive hype attracted more than 50,000 visitors and lasted three hot months — made the cover of LA Weekly and also featured the (alleged) endorsement of street art phenoms Banksy and Shepard Fairey.

Then in 2009, the ol’ granny herself (Madonna) made him a bonafide celeb when she paid him to design the cover art for her Celebration album. Now Mr. Brainwash is one of the most bankable living artists in the world.

Here are a few examples of Mr. Brainwash’s work. Mind you, these pieces can trade hands for six figures.

Exit Through the Gift Shop, Banksy’s excellent 2010 documentary about Mr. Brainwash, makes it clear that the London-based artist holds a thinly-veiled contempt for his French-American counterpart.

Oddly enough, it has also been widely speculated that Mr. Brainwash may actually be a hoax created by Banksy himself, with Mr. Guetta’s cooperation. Why would Mr. Guetta want to be part of this charade? Why would Banksy feel the need to employ this fellow? Who is Banksy? It’s all very confusing to a simple ol’ gurl like Yolanda.

But really, there’s no debate that Mr. Brainwash has become quite the art world figure, for better or worse. He has more than 800,000 followers on his Instagram doohickey. And he seems to be quite the celebrity magnet. There are photos of him hamming it up with everyone from Pelé and David Beckham to Kendall Jenner and Rihanna to Michelle Obama and the Dalai Lama.

Oh dear. We digress.

Although TMZ recently reported that Mr. Brainwash had filed for divorce from his longtime wife Debora, Yolanda happens to know that the couple are purchasing this property together. Perhaps a reconciliation is nigh.

And as it turns out, this is not the first time Yolanda has discussed this particular property. We wrote a brief piece on it a few months ago when we snarked about its current owner, young entrepreneur Chris “Drama” Pfaff.

For those of you who may not be familiar with the Rolls Royce-driving Mr. Pfaff (or Mr. Drama), he is the second cousin of pro skateboarder Rob Dyrdek and co-starred with him on various television programs over the past decade. Essentially, Drama is Mr. Dyrdek’s sidekick. Or as Rooster Magazine rather unkindly calls him, Mr. Dyrdek’s bitch.

Ouch! Mr. Pfaff won’t be crying over that descriptor, however. More like laughing while he rolls his Ghost all the way to the bank. The 20-something-year-old is really rich because he owns a clothing line called “Young & Reckless” that he promoted through Mr. Dyrdek’s shows and is now sold nationwide in thousands of retail stores.

But onto house discussions.

We’re not exactly sure why Mr. Pfaff/Drama is choosing to sell only a year after purchasing this place, which was completely rebuilt in 2015 by the previous owner. But even with the full price deal it looks unlikely he will make a profit on the pad. That’s because he originally paid $2,750,000 and the on-paper $250k profit evaporates quickly once taxes, maintenance, closing costs and the fat realtor commissions are taken into consideration.

Like many (if not most) of Hollywood Hills homes, the 3,579-square-foot structure sits rather hard up on the street. Still, it’s walled, gated, and hedged for max privacy. A wee courtyard has a small patch of fake-looking grass and a large tree. We’re ain’t an arborist, kiddies, so don’t ask us to identify the species.

As is also typical of most modern homes, the floor plan is spacious and open with the living room, dining room, and kitchen fused into one space. Light brown plank wood floors and recessed lighting complete the package.

The kitchen is chic and sleek all the usual high-end appliances (Sub-Zero, Viking, etc) and a boxcar-sized center island.

Although the house presents appears to be a single-story from street level, the sloped lot allows the property to drop down mullet-style to two floors out back. A discreet staircase just behind the front door leads down to the lower level, which contains all of the structure’s 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths (save for one guest bathroom upstairs).

The master bedroom has the same wood floors as the public rooms and a hefty fireplace with a unusual and somewhat hokey-looking stone surround. Floors switch to a light ash wood in the adjoining bathroom, which sports dual sinks and a soaking tub.

One saucy feature is the huge, nearly floor-to-ceiling window in the bathroom that looks out into the backyard. It appears as though anyone in the pool or lazing about on the grass can peer inside to see the naked owner stepping in or our of his/her bubble bath. Goodness gracious!

Theater space is a bit cramped — with the screen shoved off to one side to accomodate the door — but it does have stadium seating and complete sound insulation, per the listing.

Out back, the .27-acre lot (large for this area) has been well-terraced for maximum usability. The dog-run ready grass leads to a stone-surrounded infinity pool with an inset spa and a “waterfall edge”, again per the listing. Just below that is another patch of faux grass with a built-in firepit and stone bench.

And finally, the crown jewel of the backyard, a sports court with a basketball hoop. The listing says “so many options for this feature – use your imagination!” Perhaps Mr. Brainwash will convert this into an open-air studio.

The niftiest feature of the micro-estate, however, has got to be the rooftop lounge, which is essentially an open-air third floor. With views of Universal City and connected to the lower levels by an outdoor spiral staircase, it looks like the perfect spot to host a VIP art show, no?

For a more comprehensive virtual walkthrough of the house, view this cool 2015 video.

Now, whatever the deal may be with Mr. Brainwash — whether the real deal as an artist or an elaborate prank — he’s already a bit of an anomaly in the art world in that he does not hide (or shy away from) a bit of conspicuous consumption. At least when it comes to real estate, as was first reported by the Observer. 

A quick scrub through property records confirms that Mr. Guetta owns a substantial amount of Los Angeles real estate, including not one but two petite houses on the very same street in hoity-toity Hancock Park. The first was picked up way back in 1997 for only $460,000 and the second was acquired just this past February (2016) for $1,471,337. There was a Highland Park house that they just sold about a year ago for $695,000. Then there are at least three or four multi-family properties that we’d wager a guess are probably rented out. All told, Mr. Brainwash will boast a property portfolio that may be worth as much as $10 million. Perhaps even more, we’re not sure. Yolanda does not have access to Mr. Brainwash’s finances — natch — but we are sure his net worth must be pretty damn high.

And that ain’t no hoax.

Chris Pfaff’s agent: Laura Kellam, Berkshire Hathaway HomeService
Mr. Brainwash’s agent: Imraan Ali, Compass

Everyone who is anyone knows that Carbon Beach, long the ne plus ultra Malibu real estate wet dream, is awash in billionaire residents. So prevalent are they that the mile-long stretch of 76 (or so) uber-prime beachfront homes has long been colloquially labeled “Billionaires’ Beach“. Among the current homeowners here who are believed to have a net worth of 10+ figures (or close to it) are Eli Broad, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Milken, Gerald Schwartz, Herbert Simon, Francesco Aquilini, Kevin Washington, Geoff Palmer, David Geffen, Haim Saban, Peter Morton, Arnon Milchan, Dr. Dre and Larry Ellison (who owns no fewer than twelve houses along this strip of sand).

And now comes time to add one more fat pocketbook to the list. Earlier this year, two side-by-side Carbon Beach houses were sold in two separate transactions by two different sellers to the same buyer: an enigmatic corporate cloak (“Seek Estates LLC”). The real and beneficial owner, Yolanda happens to know, is a billionaire British expat named Simon Nixon.

While Yolanda can’t verify Mr. Nixon’s net worth, of course, the Sunday Times Rich List recently pegged it at 1.026 billion British pounds, which converts to approximately $1.3 billion USD at today’s currency exchange rates.

Y’all may be interested to know that most (if not all) of that moolah stems from Mr. Nixon’s ownership of a website called moneysupermarket.com, a price comparison website that allows subscribers to compare vendor prices on a variety of financial services tools (credit cards, mortgages, insurance). The website was co-founded by Mr. Nixon — a college dropout — way back in 1993. In 2007, he bought out his partner and the company officially went public. As of today, it remains listed on the London Stock Exchange.

A financial services price comparison website is not, perhaps, the sexiest product/business out there. And Mr. Nixon is aware of this, we are certain. Like the Aflac duck, Mr. Nixon has had to get creative with his marketing strategy. Gotta imprint the name into people’s brains. So over the past few years, his company has become famous (or infamous, if you prefer) for sexing it up by employing a series of rather raunchy television advertisements that many viewers find offensive or tasteless.

The most controversial of these adverts is one entitled “Dave’s Epic Strut“, which Yolanda has included here. It features a middle-aged gentleman wearing denim hot pants that accentuate his bodacious badonkadonk and twerking before an appreciative Sharon Osbourne. What’s not to love, right?

Now then, you may know that Yolanda has a fairly juvenile sense of humor for an old gal. So we thought the clip was funny. But even if you were among the many folks who thought it tasteless, we think y’all will agree that it is distinctly memorable. And there is no doubt that was exactly what Mr. Nixon was going for. You know what kiddies — sometimes y’all gotta do whatcha gotta do to attract attention, right?  Often a pinch of controversy is the perfect eyeball-catcher and moneymaker.

And in fact, the 2015 spot was the most complained-about ad of that year in all of Britain. Mission accomplished, Mr. Nixon. But we digress.

As previously mentioned, Mr. Nixon now lays claim to a half-acre of coveted Carbon Beach property. He first purchased the larger house — the one on the right — for exactly $10,000,000 this January (2016). Six months later, he coughed up another $14,500,000 for the property immediately to the left. That’s a very A+-list total of $24.5 million, but Yolanda is rounding it up to $25 million. In case y’all somehow didn’t already guess, we’re a tad bit OCD.

The first house on Mr. Nixon’s acquisition list was a 1952 mid-century modern by Alfred T. “Hap” Gillman, a noted associate of Frank Lloyd Wright. For a mini-bio on the fellow, click here.

Anywho, the Carbon Beach lot was originally purchased by a couple named Jimmy & Charlou Larronde back in 1950 for — ready for this? — $15,000. Ms. Larronde, by all accounts a nice and vivacious lady, ran a bed&breakfast out of the home for several decades. She also had a reputation for calling out to beachgoers frolicking in the sand outside her house and inviting them up for a cup of tea (or perhaps something a bit stronger).

Sadly, y’all, those friendly old days are long, long gone. And in fact, this is one of only a tiny handful of original Carbon Beach homes still standing. All the others have been razed to make way for colossal modern mega-mansions.

When the house came up for sale a year ago (for the first time ever!) with a $13 million pricetag, everyone assumed it would be quickly demolished by the new owner. Along came Mr. Nixon, however, who was perhaps the only person not seriously interested in the place as a teardown. And perhaps miraculously, the ol’ gurl has a new lease on life.

The 3,057-square-foot house has 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms plus lots of original features like the chunky wooden ceiling beams and (we think), white brick fireplace, and the floating wooden staircase. The kitchen looks like it might have been remodeled in the 70s or 80s. The most striking feature, however, is the big ol’ tree growing right through the middle of the house. It’s sorta cool, in a way, but how fun can it be when your family is sitting down at the dining table for a nice hot breakfast of grits and suddenly in walks the gardener with the damn leaf blower! Hmmm.

We shall call it the Carbon Beach house tree.

The smaller house next door, the one purchased by Mr. Nixon by $14.5 million, goes much more contemporary with its neutral-hued interiors. There are 2,199-square-feet with 3 beds and baths.

We’re not sure what his long-term plans are for the two properties, but it is our understanding that he is currently staying in the first house (the mid-century one) along with his girlfriend or fiancee or wife Jessica Warren. (Sorry, y’all. We don’t really know what relationship status Mr. Nixon and Ms. Warren currently hold. All we know is that she is his lady and he is her man.)

Despite being only 49 years old — still somewhat relatively young for a billionaire — Mr. Nixon has already earned a reputation as a world-class real estate baller. He currently lives in Jersey, the tiny English Channel island just off the coast of France that is infamous for being an offshore tax haven.

Mr. Nixon bought this decaying 1930s mansion in St. Brelade (below) back in 2013 for 4.5 million British pounds, not long after complaining about England’s high taxes and terrible weather. Soon after his purchase, he demolished the Pepto-Bismol-pink palace in favor of constructing an 8 million pound modern mansion complete with a gym, movie theater, and a pool.

Much to Yolanda’s surprise, while we were researching Mr. Nixon for this story, we stumbled across a website of his entitled SimonEscapes.com. It contains a lovely collection of resort-like residences around the globe, all of them owned by Mr. Nixon and all available for rent on a short-term or long-term bass.

Mr. Nixon’s property site includes galleries of glossy photographs, floor plans, house descriptions, and neighborhood amenities. It’s really quite impressive and amazingly comprehensive, actually. We can’t remember the last time we saw a billionaire who was so not-shy about showing off his show-stoppin’ homes. You go on with that epic strut, Mr. Nixon.

Below is Mr. Nixon’s 13,500-square-foot mansion in the parish of St. Peter on the Caribbean island of Barbados. Check out the property page.

Mr. Simon loves the sea — he said so himself — so it’s not such a surprise that he’s also got a beach house in the UK. The two-story affair lies in the rather — ahem — interestingly-named “Booby’s Bay” of North Cornwall, near the southwestern tip of England.

The ballerific Mr. Nixon also lays claim to a three-story stone mansion in the rolling hills of the Cotswolds (southcentral England), near the quaint and historic village of Chipping Campden.

There’s also a stunning brick mansion on the Mediterranean island of Mallorca with both sea and mountain views.

Back in the UK, Mr. Nixon owns yet another house, this one a stone-and-oak modern hunting lodge on the shores of Lake Windermere in the northwestern area of England.

Though he spends less than 40 days per year in the UK, that didn’t stop Mr. Nixon from shelling out a rather shocking 39 million British pounds in December 2013 for a 9,500-square-foot mansion-sized flat in the preposterously pricey London neighborhood of Knightsbridge. According to reports at the time, Mr. Nixon then spent a further 5 million pounds to furnish and renovate the property.

Just so y’all know, 44 million pounds currently converts to $55,990,000 USD at today’s rates. Back in 2013, however, it was actually worth a downright ludicrous $68.2 million USD.

Just mull that over for a moment, kiddies. A $68 million pied-a-terre (plus three additional high-maintenance luxury homes) in a country where Mr. Nixon spends no more than a month or so per year.

This guy has money.

Beyond all his resort-style homes, however, even more surprising (at least to Yolanda) is the fact that Mr. Nixon has already lickety-split renovated and upgraded his Malibu beach homes. And they’re both available for short-term or long-term bookings. Check out photos of the house and compare the with the pictures we posted above.

Some might argue that all the charm has been scrubbed out of the Larronde house. Still, it’s amazing what a little cleanup and some snow white paint can do, right?

In addition to the aforementioned moguls and tycoons, other Carbon Beach current residents include sportscaster Bill Simmons, Leo DiCaprio (he’s trying to sell his house), and super-producer Joel Silver (he’s also trying to sell his house).

Much to Yolanda’s surprise, in combing through property records we discovered evidence that blind trusts clearly linked to Rita Kogan (daughter of Russian video games billionaire Michael Kogan and wife of Oscar-winning cinematographer Richard Edlund) own not one but two multi-million dollar units in a hulking condo complex on Carbon Beach.

But anyway — that’s about all, folks. We just gotta reiterate on thing: if you’ve got money and you fancy a vacation, we highly recommend you check out Mr. Nixon’s nifty website. Chances are, you’ll find something you like in an area you may not have previously considered visiting.

Oh, and RIP to the (last?) Carbon Beach house tree.

Listing agent (house #1): Cathie Messina, Sotheby’s International Realty
Mr. Nixon’s agent: Denise Moreno, Hilton & Hyland

Put on your thinking caps and you’ll remember how Yolanda promised that we’d discuss greener pastures than dry-bone ol’ LA. And they don’t come much greener than Lake Geneva in Wisconsin.

But before we begin, we wanna tell y’all a wee little secret. Here it is: Yolanda doesn’t care about Hollywood celebrities.

No, really! We don’t care about them at all. We think it may be because we’re just a jaded LA-raised beotch. So we write about celebrity homes because they drive lots of clicks and keep Yolanda’s bread buttered. And sure, we understand that it’s cool to see how folks you see on the screen or hear on the radio live. We totally get it.

But we’re much more fascinated — perhaps even obsessed — with a group of people who we sometimes call the “phantom billionaires”. A perfect example is Tina Trahan, whose $7 million Santa Monica spec-mansion we dissected a few months back. Chances are about 99.9999% percent that you will never see her included on any sort of wealth list. Ms. Trahan is an unemployed single mother without family money or a hefty divorce settlement. She was never married to her child’s father, you see. And she is practically ungoogleable. With the exception of this juicy 2009 Deadspin article, of course.

And yet the lady is rich. Ludicrously rich, in fact.

The enigmatic Ms. Trahan somehow owns multi-million dollar homes, spends her time being whisked around the country on private jets, and has a middle-school age kid who attends the uber-elite Buckley School in Sherman Oaks with the children of billionaires. The Tesla-driving Ms. Trahan is also believed to be a close confidante of celebrities like Bradley Cooper, Tiger Woods, and a variety of other assorted moguls. We don’t know how she does it, y’all, but she gets it done. And Yolanda loves it.

Anyways, sometime last week our old story about our favorite socialite suddenly started receiving many hundreds of hits. At first, Yolanda wasn’t sure what all the random commotion was about. But then helpful commenter Joe Blow informed the ignorant Yolanda that Ms. Trahan had shocked locals by flashing the big cash way up on the faraway shores of Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.

Sure enough, Yolanda quickly discovered that a prominent article in the Geneva Shore Report had fingered Ms. Trahan as the purchaser of an unabashedly opulent (and expensive) co-op residence in one of the most historic structures in the city. Still, Yolanda was a bit skeptical at first. Our Ms. Trahan, you see, is a very high-falutin’ gal. Our gurl usually keeps it swanky with strictly LA, NYC, and Miami destinations. Plus, she never ever puts her name on anything. It’s always blind trusts.

But a quick check of property records positively, absolutely confirms that Ms. Trahan — and Ms. Trahan alone — paid $5,995,000 for the property in question. And yes, that’s the full damn asking price. She paid every little penny. Every grain of sand. And in her own, real name.

And what property are we referring to? Buckle up…

The expensive resort town of Lake Geneva has long been popular as a local vacation destination for folks from Chicago and Milwaukee. Since the 1800s, wealthy landowners have built hulking manor houses along the picturesque lake. Think of Lake Geneva as the Malibu to Chicago’s LA. Make sense?

Anywho, Ms. Trahan now owns the entire first floor of a historic and seriously massive mega-mansion known as Stone Manor. And the history of the place is as interesting as you might suspect. For a full and much more comprehensive recap, please click here or here, but we’ll try to summarize as best we can.

(Photos courtesy of genevalakefrontrealty.com)

Stone Manor, easily the largest mansion on Lake Geneva, began construction way back in 1899 and was commissioned by a German immigrant turned powerful Chicago real estate investor named Otto Young. Younglands, as the hulking Renaissance Revival-style villa was then christened, reportedly cost $2 million to build — an incredible amount back at that time — and was completed in 1901. In total, it includes six different levels of living space in more than 40,000 square feet with 50+ bedrooms. There are two sub-basements, three main levels, and a rooftop terrace with a swimming pool.

The exterior walls are entirely carved from Bedford limestone, naturally. The interior walls are hewn from massive chunks of Tennessee marble. And believe it or not, y’all, all the doorknobs and fixtures and plumbing were 24-carat gold. Auric himself should’ve raided this place instead of Fort Knox, right? Right!

Poor Mr. Young didn’t get much chance to enjoy his opulent hotel of a manor. Just five years after completing the construction, he died from complications of an extended bout of tuberculosis.

From there, the estate descended to a long line of unlucky owners. Its history became littered with bankruptcies and foreclosures and other assorted money troubles. The house has been (at different times): a boarding school for girls, a hotel, a restaurant, and — most bizarrely — a Christmas tree museum (???). It’s also been repo-ed by the bank at least twice and sold for as little as $10,000 back in 1954.

It wasn’t until 1990 that the ol’gurl, with her kibbles and bits sagging from years of abuse and neglect, finally got a second lease on life and a much-needed facelift. That year, it was purchased by wealthy Chicago developer Tom Ricci, who quickly completed a multi-million dollar restoration of the entire property and proceeded to divvy up the interiors into several different condominium units. It is Yolanda’s understanding that there are two units on the third floor, two units on the second floor, and one giant unit that spans the entire ground floor.

It is the first floor unit where Ms. Trahan just dumped six million bucks. And it is the first floor that has long been considered the most desirable unit in the building. And it’s not just because it’s the only full floor spread, either. It’s because all of the main rooms — the ballrooms, the drawing rooms, sitting areas, are mostly located on the main floor. Check out the pics below, kids. See what we mean?

See all that detailing? All original — trust. The unit clocks in at a mammoth 12,000-square-feet with 3 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms.

Instead of doing our normal blah blah blah with the pictures, we’re gonna let them all talk. We will say, however, that the upkeep on a condo like this could potentially bankrupt your run-of-the-mill millionaire.

Here’s something Yolanda doesn’t see too often anymore. It’s a library — a real, honest-to-goodness library!

A beautifully detailed covered terrace shelters its occupants from the oft-chilly Wisconsin days. Views take in the lake.

The kitchen is perhaps the least-inspired part of the interior, but all the same, it’s got some pretty cabinets.

The nearly-$6 million sale price is — per Yolanda’s cursory research — the third-highest sale price paid for a residential property in the entire state of Wisconsin this year. And it is — by far — the largest for any sort of co-op property. Yolanda would not be the least bit surprised if this is the most money ever paid for a condo unit in the entire state. Yes? No?

Along with that huge sale price comes other expense. Things like $2,707 in monthly association dues.

$2,707 in dues per month?! Holy mackerel! (We’re not positive, but that might be even more than Beverly Park folks pay!) All that money goes toward maintaining the estate and the amenities within. Let’s not forget about the tennis court, subterranean garage, rooftop pool, yacht slips, 10 acres, and 400′ of lakefront frontage. Quite honestly, y’all, Yolanda is a bit surprised that monthly nut isn’t bigger.

Why would Ms. Trahan randomly decide to buy big digs in Wisconsin? Maybe it ain’t so random after all. Ms. Trahan, you see, originally hails from Chicago. We don’t know for sure, but we can imagine that she visited these shores as a young lass. Perhaps she even romantically resolved to buy this place when she was rich and famous (or at least running with a famous crowd) like she is now.

So where does all Ms. Trahan’s money come from? We’ve talked to a couple people who have different theories, but we think the most plausible explanation is that it comes courtesy of Ms. Trahan’s current squeeze, Chris Albrecht, CEO of the Starz media company.

Back in 2013, y’all, Mr. Albrecht hauled in $30,500,000 in salary. For comparison’s sake, Rupert Murdoch, chairman of 20th Century Fox, received “just” $28.9 million.

But Ms. Trahan ain’t just your ordinary lady living off a sugar daddy’s spoils, either. As previously mentioned, it is Ms. Trahan — and only Ms. Trahan — who owns this extraordinary Stone Manor condo. Plus she’s got that $7.15 million house in Santa Monica. She’s got her own money and it seems she’s suddenly not afraid to flaunt it. She is boss lady status.

Which brings us to our final point…

Perhaps we overrate our own importance, y’all, but we can’t help feeling that this purchase is partially a big “F.U.” from Ms. Trahan to Yolanda. Think about it. Why would this lady — who has striven to keep herself all but ungoogleable — suddenly slap her own name on such an outlandishly opulent and noticeable residence? She’s always used blind trusts, before, to Yolanda’s knowledge.

Make no mistake, kiddies, Ms. Trahan is not a dumb lady. Far from it. We are quite certain she got to where she is by using her brain (seriously). She knows people will be squawking about this purchase, which is absolutely enormous for the area. As we’ve already said, it’s the third largest residential sale in all of Wisconsin this year and quite possibly the largest ever in the state for any sort of condo/co-op situation. And she paid the full damn $6 million asking price. No other unit in the same structure, kids, has ever sold for more than $2 million or so. A full price sale of an extravagant property with her own name sittin’ on the deed. It’s like she’s saying “Yes, bitches, I’m really rich. Keep those lips movin’.”

Now, it’s entirely possible that Ms. Trahan is unaware that we exist and doesn’t give a hoot about any of the silly nonsense we squawk about on this blog. But we like to imagine she does. We hope she does. Because if not, she just schooled us without even trying.

Yolanda is well-off and we drive a new Caddy to get our daily pedicures, of course, but we are distinctly aware that Ms. Trahan could likely buy and sell our life several times over. She just spent $6 million on an apartment with an annual tax bill of $70,000 (mas o menos) and monthly association dues of nearly $3,000! On a property where she will probably spend only a few weeks per year. The lady is ballin’.

Did Yolanda just get owned by Ms. Trahan?

Yep. She did.

Listing agent: Tim Salm, Jameson Sotheby’s International Realty
Tina Trahan’s agent: Dino Mirmingos, Baird & Warner

Over the weekend, Yolanda received a message from an infallible real estate insider source who we’ll call Malibu Gretchen (because his hair is big and full of secrets, duh). Yolanda and Mr. Gretchen spent a few minutes shooting the chilly ocean breeze until Mr. Gretchen asked us why we had not yet discussed Kenny Chesney’s Malibu house.

Confused, Yolanda told Mr. Gretchen what any No Shoes Nation citizen worth her mettle already knows, that Mr. Chesney has not owned a house in Malibu since 2009, when he sold an ocean-view house in the hills directly above Carbon Beach after only a year of ownership.

No, you big silly, said Mr. Gretchen. Not that old house — his new one in Malibu Cove Colony!

Well! Color Yolanda bamboozled because although we like to think we stay abreast of these things, we had no idea that Mr. Chesney had purchased a house in the guard-gated Malibu Cove Colony community. But we knew better than to question Mr. Gretchen’s expertise on the subject at hand.

Keep in mind, kiddies, that Yolanda cannot positively prove that Mr. Chesney owns this particular house, the one fingered by Mr. Gretchen. But it’s worth noting that the property was silently sold nearly a year ago to a mysterious corporation that happens to link directly back to a small house in South Carolina. Thanks to an assist by our Romanian pal Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial, we’ve discovered that the South Carolina property just happens to be owned by Mr. Chesney’s longtime accountant.

It’s also worth noting that Mr. Chesney has been papped in the Malibu area several times in the past year. And he recently released a duet with California native Pink, in which he extolls the virtues of LA love (and getting drunk on La Cienega!)

For those who don’t know, Mr. Chesney has been writing and performing country music for more than two decades. He has released 20 albums, sold tens of millions of records worldwide, and has won a whole bunch of country awards, too. However, our boy is perhaps best-known as a touring act. According to this 2014 article, Mr. Chesney has hauled in a rather astounding $750 million in touring revenue alone since 1995. Golly gee willikers! That’s a lot of money! Some believe Mr. Chesney’s net worth may top $225 million. His most recent annual earnings clocked in at $56 million, per Forbes. 

And yes, some of his sold-out stadium events can get a wee bit rowdy.

Unfortunately, kiddies, Mr. Chesney has also endured his fair share of controversy. The most recent example — and definitely the most inadvertently hilarious — stemmed from his facial expression at last year’s Country Music Awards. Specifically, his lack of facial expression.  You see, while everyone around him was movin’ and groovin’ and showing deference to the omnipotent Beyonce Knowles and her performance, the TV camera showed Mr. Chesney sitting there stone-faced with an icy glare in his eyes.

Or something like that.

In any case, Mr. Chesney’s expression was enough to get Beyonce’s scores of rabid fans all riled up. The Beyhive, you see, is downright vicious. They’ll cut a beotch for battin’ a sassy eyelash at their queen. So they girded their loins, sharpened their stingers, and savagely decimated poor Mr. Chesney’s Instagram with thousands of rude comments.

Mr. Chesney was forced to recant his heathen ways and proclaim his undying devotion to Beysus.

Those with elephantine memories may recall that Mr. Chesney was married about a million years ago to lady-of-many-faces Renee Zellweger. The lady divorced him after about 3.64 seconds of marriage. But the really titillating part, however, was that Ms. Zellweger did not cite the de facto “Irreconcilable Differences” on her divorce filing. Oh no. She cited “Fraud”, a choice that has never been fully explained to Yolanda’s snoopy satisfaction and about which both Ms. Zellweger and Mr. Chesney have remained tight-lipped.

Per Our Mama at Variety (and confirmed by Sammy Hagar, randomly enough) Mr. Chesney currently dates a lady named Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary. But we digress.

Now then, please don’t confuse Malibu Cove Colony with Malibu Colony. Despite the annoyingly similar names, they are two distintly different oceanfront guard-gated communities in Malibu. The latter is larger, more famous, more star-studded, more historic, and decidedly more expensive.

Malibu Cove Colony, however, is a lesser-known enclave of about 50 or 60 homes (all of them oceanfront). The lots were developed in the mid-to-late 1950s, although most of the homes have been remodeled, expanded, or torn down and rebuilt since that time. Homes here also tend to be smaller and much less pricey than those in Malibu Colony, where an oceanfront “starter” house can easily set you back $10 million. In M.C.C., they start at less than $5 million!

Take a look at Mr. Chesney’s new oceanfront home, which spans a modest 1,940-square-feet, perfect for a bachelor such as himself. He paid an easy $5,200,000 for it this past March (2016).

The house was originally constructed in 1957 but was remodeled sometime within the past decade by the previous (non-celebrity) owners. They added the smoked-glass door on the two-car garage and the foliage out front for maximum privacy. Perfect for a celeb like Mr. Chesney. Even in an expensive gated community, the neighbors can be snoopy.

A courtyard gate leads to what is probably the oceanfront pad’s coolest feature (besides the views), a tree-shaded courtyard with an outdoor dining table and sitting area.

The front door ushers y’all in to a open-concept kitchen/dining/living/family room area with walls of glass to take in spectacular views of the Pacific. We like the setup but we’re not sure if we love the orange-y hue of the hardwood floors. Rather reminds us of President-elect Donald Trump’s skintone. But we digress yet again.

The renovated kitchen area has a center island and medium-grade appliances. Almost looks like those countertops are linoleum.

There are just two bedrooms, neither of which appears to be a suite. One bedroom has ocean views but the larger one, rather bizarrely, actually faces the front courtyard. Both sport four-post beds, which Yolanda thinks look a bit hokey in a beach house. But that’s just us.

On the left, one of the home’s three very ordinary-looking bathrooms. A steep wooden staircase leads under the house (it’s up on stilts, natch) and to the sand. At high tide, the water can rush all the way under the property and up to the bottom stairs. Watch your step, Mr. Chesney.

The real reason for the $5.2 million pricetag are the views and surf access, of course. And the views really are magnificent, stretching all the way from Point Dume way down to the Palos Verdes Peninsula.

Malibu Cove Colony doesn’t have nearly as many celebrity residents as the pricier and more exclusive Malibu Colony to the southeast, but it does have a small handful of notable homeowners. These include Halle Berry, former late-night talk show host Craig Ferguson (he’s been trying to sell his house for over a year), and Kenny G‘s ex-wife Lyndie Benson (she recently rented her house to washed-up boy-bander Nick Carter, who allegedly partied like it was still 1999 and trashed the joint).

Anywho — Mr. Chesney is really rich, so it’s no surprise that he’s got quite the real estate portfolio. His main residence is a huge and rather fabulous Franklin (Tennessee) mansion for which he paid $9,250,000 back in late 2009. He is also believed to own property in the U.S. Virgin Islands and on the Canandaiga Lake (New York). Sadly, Yolanda ain’t know much about his residences in either of those locales.

As previously mentioned, Mr. Chesney also once owned another house in Malibu. He bought the Carbon Mesa Road property for $7,400,000 in February 2007 and sold it barely a year later, in April 2008 for a profit-generating $8,500,000. The buyers — who remain the current owners — were Steve & Paula Mae Schwartz, the founders of a Massachusetts-based PR agency.

Now listen up, Mr. Chesney. Yolanda has got to straighten you out about one thing.

Be very afraid, Mr. Chesney. The only reason why Beysus hasn’t taken over country music is because she doesn’t find it necessary to bless states like Nebraska, Kentucky, Tennessee and South Dakota with her presence. Best believe she’ll be bored one day and decide to record a country album, though. It’ll probably inspire all her wannabe copycats who will try to emulate her yet again. Unfortunately, they’ll still flop just like last time. LOL!

Mr. Chesney, it’s not Beyonce’s fault that her competitors don’t shine. But it is Beyonce’s fault that she shines brighter. There’s only one Queen Bey. This ain’t no corny jingle-jangle from some lame car commercial. This is Beyonce Knowles. And Mr. Chesney, you are allowed to blame her because, like Yolanda says, it’s her fault she shines brighter.

Listing agent: Michael Cunningham, Pinnacle Estate Properties
Kenny Chesney’s agent: Lily Harfouche, Compass

Although it sorta seems like only yesterday, it has already been two months since Yolanda was the first to blab about how international music superstar Pink (or P!nk) and her retired motocross racer hubby Carey Hart had sold their landlocked house in Malibu’s celebrity-swarmed Point Dume neighborhood for $12,500,000 to prominent French financier Matthieu Pigasse.

At the time, Yolanda speculated that Mr. & Mrs. Pink were abandoning LA County altogether in favor of the decidedly slower-paced Santa Ynez Valley area up north, where they have owned a big spread for the past several years. More on that property in just a moment.

But not so fast. Our insider source Malibu Gretchen has big hair that is full of secrets, remember. Not only did he surprise us with news of Mr. Kenny Chesney’s undercover Malibu home acquisition, he was also adamant that the Pinks have elected to stay in Malibu at least part-time. Together, as opposed to what certain gossip reports would have you believe.

When Yolanda told Mr. Gretchen that we hadn’t seen any evidence of the couple buying a new Malibu property, Mr. Gretchen snitched they they are opting not to buy for the moment. Instead, according to him, just days ago they signed a lease in the super-exclusive and legendarily Hollywood history-steeped Malibu Colony guard-gated community. Our Mr. Gretchen even pointed out the specific house to us! What a guy.

The oceanfront rental house has 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms in approximately 3,000-square-feet of living space. Plenty of room for Mr. & Mrs. Pink and their growing family (they just announced they are expecting baby #2, congrats!)

Property records reveal the house is owned by an entrepreneur-slash-real-estate-investor named Howard Leight. Our Mr. Leight, for what it’s worth, primarily resides in the Malibu Rocky Oaks Estate, a hulking stone manor house that he custom-built in the rugged mountains above the seaside city. It is here where Mr. Leight and his son Junior maintain a 10-acre winery and vineyard . (That property, for what it’s worth, was on the market a few years back for a still-optimistic $43,000,000, reduced from an eye-popping $49 million.)

But we digress. The beach house was originally constructed in 1963 (per tax records) and was purchased by Mr. Leight for just $2,288,000 way back in 1988. Yolanda dug up evidence that it has popped up for lease many times over the years, including just days ago when it was listed for $45,000 per month in the off-season (winter months) or $69,500/month beginning next summer, when the car congestion in the difficult-to-access city goes from bad to ridiculous.

Mr. Gretchen told us that Pink’s lease starts this month and that she is paying a crazy $65,000 to rent this house on a month-to-month basis. Yolanda can’t fathom why Pink is paying that much when the house was listed at $45k, but perhaps the month-to-month lease has something to do with it. Either way, she’s shelling out a ton of moolah to live here so she must still have love for Malibu.

The knowledgeable Mr. Gretchen says that Pink has leased here (in the Colony) several times before. So she ain’t no naive ‘Bu newbie. And of course, $65,000 per month to someone like Pink, who has a (estimated) net worth of $130 million, is what? A new T-shirt every month?

Pink will have plenty of space to Get the Party Started. There’s a tiled courtyard between the two-car garage and house with an umbrella-shaded outdoor dining set. The kitchen has some very 90’s-lookin’ appliances and cabinetry. The half-moon shaped center island has beige granite countertops, and the floors appear to be beige tile.

The glass dining table seats six and has views through the glassy windows to the deep blue sea below. Most girls (and guys) will probably love the big sectional couch next to a three-sided fireplace. Cozy.

The master bedroom is situated on the second floor and has a step-up king size bed plus a white leather couch that looks like it walked right out of a Tony Montana mansion. The master bathroom has a soaking tub and dual vanities, and the suite also boasts a private balcony with plenty of outdoor furniture overlooking the Pacific.

Crashing waves will make it difficult for Pink to shout Blow Me (One Last Kiss) from the balcony to her hubby in the bedroom before he leaves for work in the morning (or whatever he does), but they’ll have to manage somehow or there could be Trouble in paradise.

A guest suite has pink comforter, pink pillows, and beige carpeting. Fuckin’ Perfect setup for the couple’s toddler daughter.

Back down on the first floor, there’s another outdoor terrace with steps leading to the sandy beach below. Don’t let the pictures trick you, though — at high tide those crafty waves can easily reach all the way up to those stairs and even Try to drown the entire house. That’s beach erosion for ya.

According to that ol’ Malibu beach access app, despite the fact that they’re part of a pricey gated community, Malibu Colony homeowners are some of the nicest oceanfront residents in the city. Who Knew?

Best of all, of course, is that ocean air and breeze. So addictive, it’s gotta be Just Like a Pill. 

Now then, we promised that we’d show Pink’s Santa Barbara County spread to y’all again. First of all, though, allow Yolanda to babble on and give y’all a quick history lesson.

Malibu Colony is definitely the most famous — and probably overall the most expensive — gated community in Malibu. But instead of us digressing and dissecting the 100-home tract that was originally developed in the late 1920s, Yolanda is going to be lazy and just link everyone over to this article on The Daily Beast.

Written by former Malibu Colony resident and New York Times journalist Michele Willens, it exhaustively details the history and the crazy happenings within the gates far better than an ignorant outsider like Yolanda ever could. Back in those days, you see, the place was swarming with celebrities and the craziness that celebs always bring along with them.

Nowadays, however, rising prices and the increasing propensity of stars to seek out less tourist-swarmed vacation destinations has caused the number of Hollywood celebrity homeowners to dwindle. In their place, rich entrepreneurs, financiers, and other assorted billionaires have rushed in to claim a prime piece of the (eroding) beachfront.

Jim Carrey sold a few years back to Alexander Hughes, the 20-something year old bazillionaire heir to Herbalife. Judd Apatow & Leslie Mann sold to a powerful attorney. Neil Diamond decamped ages ago.

Today, billionaire Jerry Perenchio owns no fewer than six houses. And Vegas-based billionaire Sheldon Adelson lays claim to five properties within the gates, all but one of which were purchased within the last three years. Billionaire Taylor Thomson owns one of the largest homes. Heiress/philanthropist Wallis Annenberg has a big ol’ compound. Entrepreneurs Michael Lewis & Lizanne Falsetto have a swanky spread. RainBird sprinkler heir Michael LaFetra is trying to sell his Lautner. Bigshot hedge fund honchos like Seth Brufsky and Marc Stern live here. On and on it goes.

Yet celeb holdouts remain. Rob Reiner, Sting, Tom Hanks, Jason Statham, John McEnroe, Pamela Anderson.

But enough of this whimsy.

Above is Pink’s the massive 200++ acre ranch/vineyard/semi-remote estate to which we earlier referred. The couple paid at least $12 million for their three-parcel estate a few years ago.

The main house was built in 1992 and weighs in at 6,392-square-feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. Other features of the estate include a 2,500-square-foot guest house with 2 beds and baths, a 12-stall barn, an infinity pool, and a private lake. Sounds pretty sweet, right?  But Yolanda likes Pink and Mr. Hart and we’re glad the couple has elected to spend split their time between here and there. For now.

Just please don’t leave us, Mr. & Mrs. Pink.

Listing agents: Irene Dazzan-Palmer & Sandro Dazzan, Coldwell Banker
Pink’s agent: Lily Harfouche, Compass

Although we hate to revel in other people’s sorrow, naturally, and normally some rich folks’ divorce (or poor folks’ divorce, for that matter) wouldn’t be cause for a write-up, we think this particular case is pertinent to our little blog here.

Yes, Bill & Sue Gross are getting the big D.

Divorce, painful as it may (or may not) be for those involved, means good things for real estate gossips. Divorce is one of the main reasons people buy and sell houses, after all.

It was only a few months back that Yolanda scrubbed through Mr. & Mrs. Gross’s property portfolio in great detail. At that time, we had no idea there was trouble a-brewin’ in Laguna Beach or Beverly Hills or wherever the Grosses happened to be living on that particular day.

Maybe there wasn’t trouble brewing back then. We don’t know for sure, of course, but it seems that Mr. & Mrs. Gross were not separated for very long beforehand. It was less than a year ago (January ’16) that they (together) gave $40 million to UC Irvine. Sudden divorces are often the most acrimonious kind and Mrs. Gross is already being repped by high-powered Hollywood “disso queen” Laura Wasser, who is a busy bee right now. She’s also handling Ms. Jolie’s side of the Brangelina split.

As y’all may know, Yolanda likes to give credit where credit is due. And Mr. & Mrs. Gross were married for a whopping 31 years, which is a pretty incredible feat here in Lalaland. Or down behind the Orange Curtain, for that matter. Just think about it — 31 years?!?! Holy mackerel! Ferris Bueller had not yet even had his Day Off back in 1985! Congrats on an epic run, Grosses.

“But why should we care about these two?” That’s what you’re probably thinking, right?

Well, Yolanda can give you at least five huge reasons why. The couple own a truly billionaire baller-style array of properties. And here’s just the few we know about. Yolanda suspects there could be more. Aspen? Hawaii? New York? Surely they must have something fabulous in at least one those locales, right? But before we digress any further, here’s the deets.

Mr. Gross is an asset manager. He happens to be one of the most prominent asset managers in all the world, actually. Known in Wall Street and in media as the “Bond King“, he makes do with an estimated net worth of $2.4 billion. Mr. Gross is also a world-renowned philatelist with a world-famous stamp collection.

While Yolanda ain’t aware if there’s a prenup in place, under California law Mrs. Gross could theoretically walk away with half her hubby’s fortune and become a billionaire in her own right. And we fully expect her to retain ownership of at least a few of their many luxury California homes.

Just for starters, Mr. & Mrs. Gross currently own not one, not two, but three big ol’ houses in the most ultra-exclusive Laguna Beach gated community — Irvine Cove. It’s here where they have mainly resided for nearly the entirety of their marriage. They built their first house, their main residence, here way back in 1989.

Mr. & Mrs. Gross’s blufftop house is one of the largest mansions in the pricey community, weighing in at a decidedly-portly 13,819 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms. Yolanda would bet big bucks that this house is worth at least $25 million and possibly $30 million or even a bit more in today’s sweltering hot real estate market.

As already mentioned, we think this divorce must’ve come rather suddenly. It was only back in June 2014, you see, that the Gross couple threw down an impressive total of $35,800,000 to acquire two of their neighbors’ homes.

In June 2014, Mr. & Mrs. Gross paid $19,800,000 for the vaguely V-shaped single-story sprawler across the street. According to tax records the current structure was built in 1969 and spans 5,437 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 6 baths. Most valuable, however, are the prized westward ocean views the blufftop structure provides.

Just a week after buying house #2, Mr. & Mrs. Gross closed on house #3 for $16,000,000. Property records indicate the mock-Med residence was built in 1979 and has 4 beds and 4.5 baths in 4,561 square feet of living space.

We are not sure what Mr. & Mrs. Gross planned to do with all three of these houses — if anything — but whatever the case, we imagine those plans, if they ever existed, are now kaput. But Yolanda is quite certain that the compound is worth at least $60 million today and possibly as much as $70 million.

The couple have also long owned a vacation home in the hoity-toity Palm Desert resort community of Indian Wells, CA.

However, the Grosses’ most interesting property (Yolanda believes) is the Beverly Hills mansion that they bought from Jennifer Aniston back in 2011. The couple paid Rachel a brain-deconstructing $35,000,000 for the house back in summer 2011. Ohana, as it was dubbed by Ms. Aniston, was originally built by much-lauded mid-century architect Hal Levitt.

The Balinese-inspired house lies out of sight and well above the road on what is likely the best street in Beverly Hills’ coveted Trousdale Estates neighborhood. It’s also one of the larger homes in the area, clocking in at 10,000+ square feet with 5 bedrooms and 7.5 baths (two of which are in the master suite).

Most interesting of all, though, is that the double-gated Ohana actually shares a driveway with its next door neighbor. How many $35 million houses have shared driveways? Very few, in Yolanda’s experience.

Really, Ohana is the reason we’re so interested in the Gross divorce. We just wonder whether anyone would match or even exceed the $35 million paid by Mr. Gross back in 2011, a figure that still seems crazy even five years later and even to Yolanda’s jaded self. Yes, it’s right down the road from a $70 million house, but still. We just don’t see $35 million when we look at this place. But what do we know about anything, right?

While we’re not sure which Gross will end up with Ohana and whether he/she/they will dispose of it, we’d like to offer a bit of unsolicited advice. We think it’s time to sell. Yolanda sees Mr. Gross trading the Trousdale house in for something sexy up in the Bird Streets and entertainin’ a bunch of saucy young ladies over at his pad, like many of the other rich bachelors in town. As for Mrs. Gross, we see her up in a penthouse in The Century, that huge Wilshire Corridor skyscraper where Candy Spelling and Vicki Walters and all them other rich widows and divorcees live.

But keep in mind, pumpernickels, this divorce only just got kicked off a couple weeks ago. And divorces can get long and messy. Particularly with billionaires. So we may be looking at a long road ahead before these houses ever see the light of day (or at least pop up on the open market).

You know how these things go. Supposedly one of those Kardashian girls is about to have her divorce finalized this month. And Yolanda could’ve sworn she already divorced this fellow about five faces ago. But whatever!

Until the houses surface, we’ll be salivating.

Although we’re way late to the party here, we absolutely must briefly chime in about this one. It was a special request of our very own Rabbi Hedda LaCasa, you see, and how could Yolanda say nay to a request from her Rabbi? How, indeed. So let’s begin our quick run-by touring.

The late, great Robin Williams did some of his best acting work in this very house. This is, of course, the property prominently featured in 1993’s classic Mrs. Doubtfire, one of Yolanda’s favorite films. Though the real estate listing and several publications identified the home’s architecture as Victoria, our Rabbi helpfully pointed out that the place is definitely not Victorian — it is Queen Anne in style. And indeed it is. But even an old lady like Yolanda gets these mixed up sometimes, so it’s all good.

Records and listing information both reveal the tri-level house was originally built in 1893. It has, by the looks of things, been meticulously well maintained.

The seller of the home was one Douglas Ousterhout, M.D., a prominent craniofacial surgeon who is widely considered the top facial feminization surgeon in the United States. To put it, er, bluntly, Dr. Ousterhout has helped many trans women (and men) with their transition to the other gender.

The good Doc — who owned Mrs. Doubtfire’s house for nearly 20 years — was perhaps a bit shaken last year when one of his former patients rather rudely attempted to burn the house down. Yikes! Listen, disgruntled former patient, there are plenty of better ways to get even in a violent way, if you must. Torching Mrs. Doubtfire’s house? So not cool.

Like many properties in San Francisco, the house sits on a steeply-sloped street, right on the corner of Steiner Street and pricey Broadway Avenue in the hoity-toity Pacific Heights neighborhood, where many of the city’s most expensive homes are located. The lot is a downright paltry — but typical for tightly-packed SF — 2,378 square feet. That’s barely .05 of an acre, by Yolanda’s calculations.

A red brick staircase leads to an itsy-bitsy covered front porch. The old-timey front door with its leaded glass swings open to what is quite obviously a neutral (and/or staged) interior with gleaming honey-brown wood floors. Yolanda finds the entire interior motif a bit too whitewashed for our liking, but it is clean. It’s the sort of place where we expect the air is tinged with the sweet smell of Glade Clean Linen freshener.

Plantation shutters lend a comfortable touch to the turreted main living and family rooms.

Could that be the same table from the infamous petting zoo birthday?

The kitchen looks to have undergone a welcome renovation since the film, although that range still looks likely to cause hot flashes.

At 3,300 square feet with 4 beds/3.5 baths, the house is spacious but still a manageable size.

Although it’s not nearly as large as those in some of the other mansions we’ve recently featured on this blog, the master suite has city (and fog) views and a soaking tub in the bathroom.

Somehow the .05-acre lot packs in a charming patio outfitted like a micro-tropical-jungle of some sort. And it may seem utterly ridiculous to those of us living in sprawl-central LA, but in SF a car lift like this is sometimes an absolute necessity. Almost looks like these two vehicles are conducting some dirty business, eh? Let’s leave ’em be.

Property records reveal the new owners are a couple named Nick & Janet Bijur. Our Mr. Bijur is a former investment banker and currently toils as a VP at Pacific Gas & Energy Corporation. Of note, Mr. Bijur happens to be the grandson of the late Hollywood producer Armand Deutsch, who was himself an heir to the Sears fortune through his own grandfather. It’s a good bet that Mr. & Mrs. Bijur are very, very wealthy.

Yolanda and The Rabbi say Mazel Tov to the couple on their historic new home. And we pray the new owners do not experience any arson. Or any run-by fruitings.

Listing agent: Steven Gothelf, Pacific Union International Inc.
Buyer’s agent: Ted Bartlett, Pacific Union International Inc.

Some weeks ago our pal Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial inquired as to the identity of the new owner of a big new spec-mansion in the San Fernando Valley neighborhood of Encino that recently sold to a boringly-named blind trust. Although it took us a hot minute, we’ve now been able to confirm the proud new owners are two people the ignorant Yolanda has never previously heard of before: music manager Wassim Salibi — better known as Tony Sal or just SAL — and his wife, Miss USA 2010 Rima Fakih.

Since our readers seem to love these Encino/Valley stories for some odd reason — seriously, they tend to drive a bizarrely heavy amount of traffic — we shall discuss this house (and the new owners) today.

Mr. Salibi (or Mr. Sal) is perhaps best-known for managing the career of popular recording artist The Weeknd, another someone the ignorant Yolanda has never previously heard of before. But per our research (thanks Wikipedia), this Mr. Weeknd’s fame has skyrocketed during the past couple years, and he’s made Mr. Sal a very rich man.

It was Mr. Sal, you see, who many credit with “discovering” The Weeknd — who won two of his seven Grammy nominations last year and was also nominated for an Academy Award. Our Mr. Sal also assisted Mr. Weeknd with setting up his own record label, XO, of which Mr. Salibi is currently CEO. And he’s also a partner at Guy Oseary’s Maverick Management.

Like Mr. Sal, Ms. Fakih is a native of Lebanon. Unlike Mr. Sal, however, who is a Christian, she was born to a Shia Muslim family. That’s important to note because she back in 2010, she was the first-ever Muslim to win the Miss USA crown at Donald Trump’s former pageant. Ms. Fakih later caused a bit of controversy — or at least a tad of tongue-wagging — when she converted to Christianity for her May 2016 wedding to Mr. Sal.

Anywho, Ms. Fakih also competed on the reality TV show WWE Tough Enough, where she apparently trained to become a professional wrestler. Good grief, lassie — Yolanda thinks that sounds exhausting.

But suffice to say that for her part, Ms. Fakih is quite famous. After all, she has well over 200,000 followers on her Instagram doohickey. Recent pictures show that Ms. Fakih is definitely pregnant. Mazel tov, Mr. Sal & Ms. Fakih!

Listing materials are unfortunately sparse, only revealing that the north-of-Ventura-Boulevard house was “sold before processing” for the full asking price of $4,200,000, a sure sign that Encino real estate is still searing hot, as it continues to be in many other areas of LA. The property has 5 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms in a mini-mansion sized 5,700-square-feet of living space.

The Traditional spread — we’ll call it a quasi-Cape Cod meets pseudo-Colonial, for lack of a better architectural descriptor — is completely walled and gated for the utmost celebrity-style privacy.

A stone walkway leads to a locked gate that accesses the grass-trimmed front driveway.

Knotty wood floors grace the double-height entrance. Sightlines stretch all the way to the rear of the property, where a long row of folding doors blend the backyard with the family room and vice versa. The living room, to the right of the entrance, sports tufted couches that look to be made out of felt or velvet or some sort of synethetic fibers. A fireplace lends a homey feel to the airy, high-ceiling-ed space.

The kitchen’s eye-catcher is the enormous Sub-Zero stainless fridge. An all-white island is coated up top in what is likely Carrara marble. Then there is a dining table below an old-timey crystal/wrought iron chandelier. Somewhere there’s an oak-paneled wine closet.

Snazzy lighting in the theater.

The master suite has more wood floors and another fireplace. In the corridor leading to the master bath and walk-in closet, there’s a little wine grid with fridge. Marble graces most of the master bath — including the walk-in glass shower with rainfall showerhead — and there’s a built-in soaking tub below the window. The master suite also has a private covered balcony with plenty of space to curl up with a good Agatha Christie.

The guest suites are similarly comfortable with vaulted ceilings and glass-and-brick showers.

The library/office has ebonized wood cabinetry and French doors leading out back.

Out in the rear, the .38-acre lot has more than enough grass for a dog run and even a teensy-weensy putting green around the east side of the structure.

The rectangular saltwater swimming pool has an inset and raised spa. Just beyond is the guest/pool house/shack with a sitting area and changing facilities. For parties and family get-togethers, there’s also a full outdoor bar area with mini-friedge and BBQ.

It’s only Yolanda’s opinion, of course, but the house looks almost eerily similar to our gurl Michelle Beadle’s own new Encino spec-mansion. And we’ve seen a bunch of other similarly-styled houses sell with the quickness and for many millions of dollars. Not just in Encino, either. The Palisades, Brentwood. Heck, even in the Melrose area.

You pickin’ up what Yolanda’s puttin’ down, developers? More white Cape Cod/Traditional big boxy fusions. People of all sorts of different ethnic descents/walks of life love ’em. So keep building!

Listing agent: Ada Livyatan, Rodeo Realty
Mr. Sal & Ms. Fakih’s agent: Angel Salvador, Rodeo Realty