Yolanda broke her phone last night. We wish this was one of our our sarcastic jokes or whatever, but it’s not. The damn thing still works, though. It’s just that the screen is now crisscrossed with so many spiderweb cracks that it’s all but illegible.

One thing that isn’t stale and cobwebbed, however (how’s that for a clunky transition?), is Eastside real estate. We don’t give it nearly as much attention as it deserves — we’re a semi-uppity lass so we tend to hone in on the Westside — but it’s steaming hot back east, too. Just take this rather ho-hum 1936 Tudor in hipster-approved and fully-gentrified Silver Lake.

Property records reveal that the previous owners lost the house to foreclosure in March (2016). It appears that the property was then quickly transferred in a trustee sale for $1,313,000. After what was a quick spit-and-polish — Yolanda presumes — the house was put up for sale in September (2016) with a $1,849,000 asking price. The sublimely-situated property quickly sold in just one month for an even-steven $2,000,000 — or $151,000 more than asking.

Records reveal the new owner is an LLC that is easily linked to a fellow named Brian Sacca. Our Mr. Sacca is an actor who perhaps has not yet had his true “breakout star” moment yet. However, he’s had bit part roles in a popular TV show (The United States of Tara) and a controversial film (The Wolf of Wall Street) and even a starring turn in the new TBS show Wrecked.

As they say, however, time is money. So let’s quit wasting it and discuss Mr. Sacca’s expensive new house, which is located on Moreno Drive, one of the best streets in Silver Lake. It is also just a block or so up the road from the world-famous and downright divine  “Silvertop” house by John Lautner.

A brick walkway leads from the driveway and up a short brick stairway to a petite brick porch with views out to the street and over the jewel-toned front lawn.

The front door (also jewel-toned) opens to a surprisingly spacious living room with an imposing vaulted (and beamed) wood ceiling. The “walnut hued” hardwood floors (per the listing) continue throughout the entire main level of the 2,378-square-foot residence. A appropriately-huge brick fireplace takes centerpiece in the room.

Unfortunately, the rest of the house isn’t nearly as interesting as that living room might lead you to believe. It’s nice enough but a bit too whitewashed and character-less, in Yolanda’s useless opinion. Then again, it is a flip.

The kitchen has medium-grade stainless appliances and plenty of cabinet space.

The master bedroom (top) isn’t a typical huge suite, but it does have more of those walnut-hued floors and a smallish bathroom with vanity and a soaking tub. There are a total of 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in the structure.

Perhaps the most valuable asset of the property (besides the trendy Silver Lake location, of course) is the view it provides over the neighboring homes and to the westward yonder hills. The backyard ain’t particularly spacious — it’s only a .15-acre house, after all — but there’s grass and a garden shed for Mr. Sacca’s gardening tools. Also might make a good place to store a body or two (?).

The listing also makes a point to call out the detached two-car garage, which it says “can house your Aston Martin”. Fancy! No word on whether a Ferrari or even Yolanda’s dusty Caddy will meet the garage’s approval, though.

Now, you may wonder how a bit-part actor like Mr. Sacca affords a $2 million house up in Silver Lake. And of course Yolanda does not have access to his finances, so we can’t say for certain (duh!).

But we do happen to know that he is the younger brother of billionaire Shark Tank star (and investor) Chris Sacca, who built his fortune through early seed investments in tech giants like Twitter, Instagram, and Uber. Mr. Sacca has homes in Manhattan Beach (CA), Palos Verdes Estates (CA), and up near Lake Tahoe (on the border of CA and NV).

Perhaps Mr. Sacca gave/loaned his little bro some cash, or perhaps he just taught him some of his investment tricks. Eh?

It’s always nice to have a close family relative who is a billionaire, right? Right. And especially if that billionaire is generous with his cash. Which the elder Mr. Sacca is. But we digress — that’s a story for another time, place, and day. Okay? Okay.

Listing agent: Courtney Smith, Compass
Mr. Sacca’s agent: Richard Wilkinson, Keller Williams Realty Los Feliz

11179 Northwoods

Yesterday, while dissecting the new Silver Lake home of up-and-coming actor/producer Brian Sacca, we mentioned that he has an older brother named Chris who just happens to be a damn billionaire. And we figure that — like all billionaires — the elder Sacca sibling is gonna need a real estate story written about him at some point, right? So today we shall discuss our Mr. Chris Sacca’s baller-style real estate portfolio. By Yolanda’s tabulations, it is worth well in excess of $20 million (possibly much more) and quickly expanding.

Keep in mind Mr. Sacca is still quite young for a billionaire — just 41 years of age as of this December 2016 write-up — so he’s got plenty of time to grow his holdings and enter full-fledged real estate baller territory. You know, the fast lane occupied by ridonkulously-rich heavyweights like Tom Gores and Bill Gross.

First, the cursory background check. Born and raised in upstate New York, Mr. Sacca displayed mathematics proficiency from an early age. He graduated from Georgetown University’s law school with honors and shortly thereafter became an associate at a prestigious law office in the Silicon Valley. His legal career was short-lived, however. Within a year or so he was laid off. But to his credit, Mr. Sacca quickly got to hustlin’ and began networking with angel investors and other assorted Silicon Valley tech folks.

In late 2003, Mr. Sacca scored a job at Google, where he quickly gained the attention of upper-level executives, for better or worse. While he reportedly excelled at various novel projects — earning the favor of Google co-worker Marissa Mayer and co-founder Larry Page — he also developed a somewhat unsavory reputation for showing up uninvited at upper management meetings and then broadcasting his opinion to anyone who would listen. One of the people who he clashed with — allegedly — was current Google CEO Eric Schmidt, who was supposedly the main catalyst that spurred Mr. Sacca’s 2007 departure from Google.

By 2009, Mr. Sacca had struck out on his own and utilized his sixth sense — or whatever — to begin an extraordinarily lucrative career investing in the most promising tech startups. One of his earliest investments was Twitter, where he was aggressive in supporting co-founder Evan Williams (a former Google co-worker) and using a number of innovative investment vehicles to buy up as many shares as he could accumulate. By the time of Twitter’s late 2013 IPO, Mr. Sacca was the largest outside stakeholder in the company. His Twitter investment fund Lowercase Capital has reportedly returned an astonishing $5 billion to investors.

Mr. Sacca was also in early investor in both Instagram and Uber. (He holds 4% of the latter’s stock.) That certainly helps contribute to his estimated net worth of $1.2 billion and has most assuredly also helped stockpile a great deal of wealth for his investors. Enough to land him in third place for two consecutive years on Forbes‘s prestigious Midas List.

Great, right? But along with his rapid rise to billionaire stardom, Mr. Sacca has made more than a few enemies. Although he owns a very significant chunk of Uber stock, Mr. Sacca and CEO Travis Kalanick, once bosom friends, barely speak today. Allegedly Mr. Sacca’s greed and his ruthless conniving to stockpile shares had something to do with that. Allegedly, we repeat. And it was at Twitter where Mr. Sacca’s longtime gatecrasher antics eventually became so tiresome that he and other investors were banned from all employee meetings. But like they say, you don’t get to the top without stepping on a few fat toes.

They say that, yes?

In recent years, the formerly semi-elusive Mr. Sacca has considerably upped his public profile with several guest appearances on the hit TV show Shark Tank and by granting a revealing interview to Forbes. He’s also become quite the high-profile political junkie. He served as Obama’s finance co-chair and trustee of the Presidential Inaugural Committee back in 2008. More recently, he was a vocal supporter of Hillary Clinton’s failed Presidential campaign, headlining and co-hosting pricey dinner fundraisers for her from Beverly Hills (with Jeffrey Katzenberg, Haim Saban and Sean Parker) to San Francisco (with Mark Cuban, natch).

But we digress.

Nowadays, Mr. Sacca primarily resides in Manhattan Beach — the seaside LA community known for its many good-lookin’ pro athlete residents and for being the home of many powerful figures within the nearby Silicon Beach community. Lots of other tremendously-wealthy tech peeps have homes out there. Oh, did we mention that Mark Cuban parts his Texas keister there part-time, too? Of course he does. But we’re here to discuss Mr. Sacca.

Our boy currently owns two side-by-side houses on one of Manhattan Beach’s main streets. Way back in 2011, he paid $5,225,000 for the property you see above on the right. He then spent several years — and no doubt many millions of dollars — to raze and reconstruct the structure. When complete, as per his Forbes interview, the property will contain in approximately 5,000-square-feet of modern and eco-friendly living space.

Above are the “before” shots — what the property looked like prior to the demolition. Although it ain’t on the sand — it’s just a a short one-block stroll to the beach — the house sports stunning bluewater views down to the Palos Verdes peninsula.

While they await the completion of construction on their dream home, Mr. Sacca, his wife Crystal Sacca, and their three young daughters are currently shacking up in the “guest house”, otherwise known as the house next door. Like all good billionaires, Mr. Sacca buys his neighbors’ houses, you see. Property records show Mr. & Mrs. Sacca paid $4,100,000 for the three-story property in June 2014 and gave it a cosmetic freshening before moving in. Here’s how it looked at the time of their acquisition:

Yolanda has no inside intel on whether Mr. Sacca will sell his “crash pad” once his larger home next door is complete. We rather think not, particularly because it sits cheek-to-jowl with his new main residence. More likely he’ll use it for guests, staff, storage space for his suitcases full of social media cash, etc.

All told, Mr. Sacca has spent $9,325,000 on his Manhattan Beach compound, not counting the many millions of dollars invested to essentially build the new eco-friendly mansion from scratch. So he’s spent what — $12 million? More? But let’s move on.

In October 2014, just a few months after buying his Manhattan Beach crash pad, Mr. Sacca rather unexpectedly forked out another $6,388,000 for a sprawling “Mediterranean villa” in the South Bay, Los Angeles community of Palos Verdes Estates, less than 8 miles from his Manhattan Beach compound as the crow flies. This house — while also not waterfront — also sports Pacific Ocean views and lies on a petite cul-de-sac in the family-oriented and mostly quiet (if peacock-infested) community.

Now, you might be forgiven for wondering why Mr. Sacca would need or want a $12 million+ compound in Manhattan Beach and a $6 million+ house just a few miles away in Palos Verdes. Well, Yolanda will tell you. Ready?

You see, y’all, the Palos Verdes house is not occupied by Mr. Sacca. Rather, we happen to know that the house was acquired to house his parents: retired attorney Gerald Sacca and retired professor Katherine Sacca. The couple currently live here and everything is peachy keen, fine and dandy, and everyone is happy as a damn clam.

Yes, kiddies, Mr. Sacca spent $6,388,000 to purchase a home for his parents. You can do things like that when you’re a (generous) billionaire. Ain’t it sweet?

The house may look old-timey, but it was actually built in 2002 by a guy named Scott Richland, the Chief Investment Officer of Caltech. And although the residence appears fairly modest from the street, it actually packs in a mansion-sized 7,420-square-feet with 4 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. There’s a pool, a heated terrace, a media room, and a 2,200-square-foot garage for all the toys a retired couple from upstate New York could want.

But wait, there’s more!

Mr. Sacca loves the beach. Back in December 2014, just two months after purchasing the Palos Verdes house, he dropped another $1,100,000 for a surprisingly modest 3,400-square-foot house in beautiful Carlsbad, CA. The 1966 house, located on La Costa beach just north of San Diego, has 4 bedrooms and bathrooms within its seriously dated walls.

Check out that kitchen! And how about that dining room? Lawd have mercy. We aren’t privy to Mr. Sacca’s plans for the house, of course, but we are quite certain that he will give it a major overhaul. At the very least.

2014 was a busy real estate year for Mr. Sacca. In addition to buying homes in Manhattan Beach, Palos Verdes and Carlsbad, the billionaire also found time to pay $415,000 for an almost laughably modest (1,212-square-foot) cabin up in Truckee, CA — near the north shore of Lake Tahoe.

Why would he buy this teensy-weensy place? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that it lies right next door to what may have been Mr. Sacca’s very first house: a 2,240-square-foot wood wood cabin with a loft level and a hot tub that he bought in early 2009 for $631,000 and still owns, per property records.

All told, Mr. Sacca has paid a total of $1,046,000 for his .84-acre mini-compound up in the woods.

Beyond these five houses, there are also reports that Mr. Sacca spends a significant amount of time at a new house in (or near) Great Falls, Montana. But sorry kids, we don’t have any further about that one.

We do know, however, that Mr. Sacca is still a young whippersnapper with a wardrobe of 70 cowboy shirts and plenty of earning potential left in him. And what Yolanda has observed from her decades of real estate voyeurism is that with a billionaire’s increasing net worth often comes a commensurate, near unquenchable thirst for bigger and better homes and compounds. We shall see.

Listing agent (Manhattan Beach house #1): Lorraine O’Connor, Shorewood Realtors, Inc.
Listing agent (Manhattan Beach house #2): Dunham Stewart
Listing agent (Palos Verdes): Teri Hawkins, RE/MAX Estate Properties
Listing agent (Carlsbad): William Ims, Sea Coast Exclusive Properties
Chris Sacca’s agent (Manhattan Beach house#1): Lauren Forbes
Chris Sacca’s agent (Palos Verdes): Susan Kaminski, Vista Sotheby’s International

First it was Variety‘s Mama and then a bunch of our other real estate gossip compadres whispered that actor/Tinseltown scion Emilio Estevez had finally snagged a buyer for his landlocked “micro-vineyard” in Malibu’s Point Dume neighborhood. Then the peeps at the LA Times went on to snitch that the sale went down for $6,350,000.

Since Point Dume is by far the most celebrity-infested neighborhood of star-soaked Malibu, Yolanda was naturally curious as to the identity of the deep-pocketed new owner. Well, property records have now cleared and sure enough, they show that the house was acquired by an oddly-named blind trust (“The Exarp Trust”) that we’ve long known is a front for (wait for it!) a famous fella named Danny Carey.

Mr. Carey (no relation to Mariah, we think) is — for those of you ignorant fools who are somehow unaware — the OG drummer for the critically-acclaimed and Grammy-winning rock band Tool. He’s a pretty big deal. Just for starters, the “percussion colossus” was recently the guest of honor on Seth Meyer’s TeeVee show. But we digress.

That our Lamborghini-driving big little drummer boy/man can afford a $6.35 million house in Malibu should come as no surprise, given that he has amassed a reported net worth of $40 million. Not bad for a lifetime of bangin’ dem sticks, eh? Another fun fact: Mr. Carey is (allegedly) the 21st richest professional drummer in the whole wide world. Well, we never! Give Yolanda a hoot and a holler, Mr. Carey.

The Estevez-cum-Carey Point Dume spread lies on a flat acre of land with little vineyards in both the front and backyards and was originally acquired by Mr. Estevez for $2,200,000 just a few months after the turn of the century.

Poor Mr. Estevez once optimistically hoped someone would pay him $9,995,000 for the privilege of owning the house. After several long years and myriad price chops, however, he finally settled on the much lower number offered by Mr. Carey.

Tax records indicate the single-story house is not particularly big — just 3,700-square-feet or so — but it was custom-built in 2008 by Mr. Estevez so it now has a flashy Hollywood pedigree. Whoop-dee-do.

The wooden front door opens to gleaming hardwood floors in the big living room with weighty wood ceiling beams and trusses. They’re a bit too weighty, we think. One other particularly oddball feature is that giant stone mantel over the fireplace. What on earth is that thing doing? Just no.

The living room adjoins the formal dining room which adjoins the rather hideously overwrought kitchen. Come on now, Mr. Estevez. Those weird-ass tiles on the island? That stained-glass greenhouse window? How about them Howdy Doody barstools?

And Yolanda is not even going to mention those creepy little mariachi men dancing around the kitchen sink. Oops, we just did. Ugh!

The kitchen connects to a family room which connects — we think — to a wine cellar/tasting room.

In the main house there are 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms with an additional bedroom and bathroom out in a petite guest house near the front of the walled and gated residence.

Out back there’s a brick terrace surrounding a rectangular pool and a colorfully-tiled firepit nearby. Other features of the little compound include several oak and olive trees and a surveillance system, naturally.

The property also possesses vegetable planters and two micro-vineyards where Mr. Estevez and his boutique vintner wife Sonja Magdevski grew Pinot Noir grapes used for their Casa Dumetz brand of short-run artisanal wines. No word on if Mr. Carey shall discontinue the vineyards or hire a team to squeeze him some juice. Perhaps he’ll even get to stompin’ himself?

One thing that the mini-estate does not possess, however, is any sort of ocean view. That’s a damn shame in Yolanda’s book. Were we in the market for a $6.35 million house in Malibu, we’d want at least a sliver of bluewater sightlines. But oh well.

Some of Mr. Carey’s nearest new neighbors in Malibu are rocker Matt Bellamy, producer Ryan Kavanaugh and Emilio Estevez’s daddy Martin Sheen, who are all within egg-throwing distance of his property. If that ain’t Hollywood enough for ya, then just around this or that corner of down this or that Point Dume street are the homes of just about every famous person still living: Julia Roberts, Bob Dylan, Barbra Streisand, Gerard Butler, Owen Wilson, Sean Penn, Chris Martin, Don Rickles, Chad Smith, Matthew McConaughey, and many, many more.

For nearly 20 years, Mr. Carey has primarily resided in LA’s Bronson Canyon neighborhood. Tucked in between the larger and more well-known communities of Beachwood Canyon and Los Feliz, the area is nonetheless home to a plethora of high-profile folks. Some of Mr. Carey’s nearest neighbors out in Bronson Canyon include Craig Ferguson, Stephanie Savage, Moby, Flea, a Saudi royal, and that bizarrely and bitterly divorcing Brangelina pair.

The first property Mr. Carey acquired in Bronson Canyon was the one above on the right, the tall mock-Med looking thing. Records indicate he paid a paltry $695,000 back in 1998 for the house, with its relatively modest 2,423 square feet and 4 bedrooms and 2 baths.

Exactly one decade later, in April 2008, Mr. Carey paid a much more celebrity-style $2,200,000 for the house immediately next door. No big shock, really. You know what Yolanda says about that, right? No matter who the person is — be they famous or not, sexy or not, old or young — rich people love buying their neighbors’ houses and creating compounds.

Or at least they do for at first. For some reason, Mr. Carey and his wife Sabine opted to sell the second property (the one on the left above) earlier this year. Maybe it had something to do with the acquisition of their new Malibu house, or maybe not. Either way, the 3,310-square-foot traditional house popped up for sale just a few months ago — and with no tattling by fellow property gossips!

Maybe it’s because Redfin does not list the exact address. For her part, Yolanda was unaware that the property had even been up for sale.

Although the pictures look pretty good (check out Mr. Carey’s drum set!), the listing delicately stated that the property “needs TLC” but has “great bones”. Someone apparently agreed — the house was sold lickety-split for $1,758,000 to a non-celebrity woman just about two weeks ago.

Good for her. $1.7 million for a .53-acre private lot with a pretty nice house in Bronson Canyon seems like a steal to Yolanda, TLC or not. But poor Mr. Carey lost his damn shirt on the property, taking a $442,000 loss, not counting taxes and real estate fees and any other costs associated with maintaining this residence over the past 8 years. Yikes. Good thing he can well afford it.

We have no inside intel on whether Mr. Carey will continue to hang onto his other Bronson Canyon property or divest himself of that asset as well. Yolanda can’t help but believe he is rich enough to maintain both that place and the Malibu spread into perpetuity. But if he ever feels like selling, why not give ol’ Angie a ring? We hear she’s out looking to buy a new crib for herself and her 58 children.

No? Too close to Brad?

Emilio Estevez’s agent: Ellen Francisco, Coldwell Banker
Danny Carey’s agent (Bronson Canyon): Tessa Johnson, Coldwell Banker
Buyer’s agent (Bronson Canyon): Isaac Fast, Coldwell Banker

It was well over two years ago that this Bel Air mansion at 864 Stradella Road first popped up for sale, stars in its eyes and the (LA) world at its feet. The asking price then was a rather ludicrous $55,000,000. Yes, really. $55 million for a 14,000-square-foot house on a .82-acre lot. “Outrageous!!” as the inimitable Judge Judy would say.

After a couple real estate agent changes, the ask eventually slipped $48 million. Lo and behold, the property finally transferred last week for a much-reduced but still impressive $39,000,000. Frankly, that figure is at least $10 million more than what Yolanda expected this place to fetch. We just couldn’t fathom anyone slamming down more than $30 mill for this place. But it sure did happen.

Naturally, Yolanda was more than a wee bit curious about who the new owner was. Turns out, as our friends at The Real Deal first confirmed, the buyer is not Beyonce & Jay-Z or some tech gazillionaire but rather a guy the ignorant Yolanda ain’t never heard of before: UK-based entrepreneur Howard Shore.

Our Mr. Shore appears to be relatively low-profile — at least for a gent who can afford $39 million houses — and we don’t know his approximate net worth. But we do know that he founded his investment business Shore Capital in his mid-20s. Now in his mid-50s, Mr. Shore is a vocal supporter of the UK’s Conservative Party and with his wife Andree sponsored shindigs in support of David Cameron, the now ex-Prime Minister of Britain. He’s also frequently a guest speaker at his friend Mike Milken’s annual Global Conference.

The seller of this property, y’all might be interested to know, was an emergency doctor turned real estate developer named Joseph Englanoff. Our Mr. Englanoff happens to be the very same guy who — a few years back — bought and tore down Lisa Marie Presley’s Hidden Hills ranch house. He then proceeded to erect a massive mega-spec-mansion that he sold to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for $19,750,000, an amount widely believed to be the most ever paid for a house in the San Fernando Valley. But we digress.

Our architect here, as astute folks may have already guessed, was the one and only Paul McClean. The Irish-born Mr. McClean has fast become the most prominent architect in the Los Angeles spec-mega-mansion game. The numbers don’t lie, y’all. No fewer than five different McClean-built homes have sold for more than 20 million bucks this year alone.

And it was Mr. McClean’s designs, after all, that back in 2012 arguably kick-started the whole Platinum Triangle spec-mansion frenzy that continues today.

The house clocks in at a serious 14,230-square-feet of living space. The .82-acre property isn’t particularly large for this area of town, and the steeply sloped lot forced the structure itself to sit rather hard up on the street. There’s really no front yard to speak of, apart from a rather inelegantly small motorcourt.

That being said, the house lies privately behind imposing gates and towering hedges. Lucky guests will be impressed by the catwalk-over-mini-moat and the disappearing walls of glass that provide a truly gobsmackingly stupendous view of the City of Angels, particularly at night.

Out back, accessed by the disappearing walls of glass that frame almost every room, there’s also a 90-foot infinity-edged pool. More on that in a moment.

Inside, the plethora of luxury features would make Marie Antoinette bust out bawlin’. For starters, there’s the wild living room with its view, full bar, and one of the longest fireplaces we can recall seeing in recent memory. Too bad the ceiling has got the damn chicken pox, eh?

An Italian kitchen has a vaulted (glass?) ceiling and two islands. Elsewhere, there’s a sleek wine cellar with tasting table and “thumbprint security access”. We can’t have those filthy guests sucking down our winter stash of Two Buck Chuck. Naturally.

The de rigueur gym and billiards room look about how you’d expect. But our favorite area of the house might just be the home theater, which is done up like the sexiest mancave we’ve ever laid eyes upon.

The master suite occupies its own wing of the structure and packs in an office, another full bar (you’ve gotta be a big drinker to truly appreciate this house), dual walk-in closets and dual bathrooms. An indoor/outdoor terrace offers views of the backyard below and the city skyline.

Each of the two master bathrooms have steam rooms and in at least one there’s a disco-themed lighting system and a walk-in shower with rainfall showerhead and a TV. We don’t usually fancy watching our favorite telenovela while we’re scrubbing down our kibbles ‘n bits, but that’s just Yolanda.

Above are two of the other guest suites. The house has a total of 7 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms.

Somewhere there’s an office with Listone Giordano hardwood floors. The house also sports a catering kitchen (in addition to the main kitchen) and a floating staircase.

In addition to the view, the backyard sports a large grassy pad and an outdoor fireplace.

But although the property might look pretty, there’s a good chance our Mr. Shore will not (initially) be popular with his Bel Air neighbors. That’s because the house has become — per the New York Times — infamous in the neighborhood as a water waster due to at least one major sprung leak.

Mr. Englanoff and/or his LLC have also been sued over the property at least once. At some point during construction, part of the hillside below the house collapsed. This created an avalanche of “water, soil, and muddy debris” that rained down like righteous hellfire on the all the poors below, per a lawsuit filed by an impacted neighbor — one Mr. Kola Aluko. (Interestingly, Mr. Aluko’s spec-mansion just below this house was also built by Paul McClean. It has since been sold at a major loss.)

So Mr. Shore might need to be prepared for a little ingrained neighborhood bias/resentment against him, through no fault of his own. But assuming he cares about such things, perhaps he will attempt to shore up favor by plugging those pesky leaks.

Get it? Get it?!

Listing agents: Jade Mills, Coldwell Banker; Mauricio Umansky, The Agency; Ben Bacal, Rodeo Realty; Branden & Rayni Williams, Hilton & Hyland
Mr. Shore’s agent: Fred Bernstein, Westside Estate Agency

Nearly a year ago (where does the time go?!) Yolanda revealed young Miss Chloë Grace Moretz’s very adult multi-million-dollar Studio City starter house. In the post, we briefly referenced an ongoing “feud” (publicity stunt?) involving Miss Moretz, the Kardashian cabal, and another ingénue named Bella Thorne.

We must apologize for dissing Miss Thorne by saying we had never heard of her. Perhaps that wasn’t entirely truthful. We had never seen a film or TeeVee show she performed in (and we still ain’t) but we always often see her face on those hilarious supermarket tabloids. So folks out there must find her interesting enough to read about. She’s certainly cute, although every time we see her mug we can’t help but think of Jessica Chastain.

And that’s a comparison that does not necessarily favor Miss Thorne. But we digress.

Thanks to our trusty pal Wikipedia, Yolanda happens to know that the bisexual Miss Thorne has starred in shows like Big Love and Shake It Up. More importantly, however, she’s reportedly hot and heavy with a guy named Tyler Posey, a dude we ain’t never heard of before (no lie, we swear!) Perhaps that’s why Miss Thorne was recently spotted making out with another young starlet named Charlie Puth?

Ah, such tender young love.

Recently a mysterious blind trust paid $2,011,500 for a brand-new mini-mansion deep in the heart of the loved (and loathed) San Fernando Valley. And Yolanda just happens to know that the new owner is none other than — you guessed it — 19-year-old Miss Thorne.

Now, although Miss Thorne and Miss Moretz are less than a year apart in age and they both have now purchased multi-million-dollar houses in the Valley, the two properties could not be more different. While Miss Moretz’s house lies in a super-quiet gated community in a very desirable area of Studio City, Miss Thorne’s house sits right up on a busy and definitely not glamorous street in a not-particularly sexy (but increasingly pricey) part of Sherman Oaks.

Miss Thorne’s house is also smaller and less expensive than Miss Moretz’s. However, her place is also much newer and thus has more luxury features and gee-whiz gizmos that Miss Moretz’s rather dated pad.

But enough of our silly comparisons.

The walled and gated .18-acre spec-property was completed earlier this year and listed at $1,885,000. Remember, kiddies, the real estate market is hot hot hot right now. So Miss Thorne ended up forking out a brutal $126,500 more than the asking price. Looks like she had to fend off some stiff competition, eh?

The front door opens up to a cliche double-height entryway facing a long staircase. A modern chandelier hangs overhead. Bizarrely, there’s a glass wine rack/cellar/closet tucked under the staircase, an odious and gimmicky feature that means all guests of Miss Thorne will be required to perform the perfunctory ooh and ahh-ing over her wine collection (or Capri Sun collection, in her 19-year-old case).

We’re not sure when, how, or why this silly wine-rack-under-stairs trend started, but it’s definitely a trend now. Yolanda distinctly remembers a similar setup in little Miss Kylie Jenner’s new house, too.

Faux-distressed hardwood floors continue throughout the Traditional-style casa. There’s a vaulted ceiling and fireplace in the living room, another vaulted ceiling in the attached formal dining room, and a large center island in the Thermador-appliance-equipped kitchen, which opens to the formal living room (with another fireplace). Around the corner from the kitchen is a walk-in pantry with a sliding door that looks like it came from some centuries-old barn in Belgium or somewhere.

Speaking of the family room, it has that trendy wall of disappearing glass that brings the outdoors inside and vice versa. There’s a small covered terrace, a dog-run-sized grass patch, and a wooden deck sporting a large umbrella. Yolanda is sure the fair-skinned Miss Thorne will put that device to good use.

Even the pool isn’t just a regular pool/spa combo — it’s got a sunbathing shelf and what looks to be a waterfall feature, too.

Last but not least, the master suite is equipped with a fireplace and a marble-slathered bathroom with dual vanities, a soaking tub, and a walk-in glass-enclosed shower with rainfall showerhead.

But wait, there’s more.

Miss Thorne has apparently decided to spice up her new home with a fresh coat of paint. And while we typically love a unique look, we can’t help but think of America’s favorite purple dinosaur. Looks like he was squeezed, processed, pasteurized, and splattered all over Miss Thorne’s house.

That’s mythical creature abuse, Miss Thorne! But remember, she ain’t your typical valley girl.

Listing agent: Maya Librush, MD Properties
Miss Thorne’s agent: Peter Lorimer, PLG Estates

Imelda Marcos famously said “People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?” And perhaps Mitchell “Mitch” Julis has taken her words to heart, ’cause while he maintains a reputation as a conservative investor, he has nonetheless assembled quite the beautiful collection of luxury residences in a handful of the most prime neighborhoods in all of the United States.

Mr. Julis is the co-founder (along with fellow real estate baller Josh Friedman) of Canyon Capital Advisors. The $20+ billion Canyon is currently one of the largest — or perhaps the largest — LA-based hedge fund by assets under management. And both Julis and Friedman originally plied their trade from within “junk bond king” Mike Milken’s high-yield practice.

Now in his early 60s, Mr. Julis — a longtime Republican donor — was born and raised in the Bronx to a traditional Jewish couple, both European immigrants. He and his wife Joleen have long resided in Los Angeles, though they still maintain a swanky foothold in the Big Apple. More on that in a minute. The couple are parents to young adults Elliott and Esther and teenagers Maia and Rose.

About a month ago, a notably stunning Trousdale Estates residence sold for $21,000,000 in what appears to have been an all-cash deal. The major league sales price was 2.25 million bucks more than the $18,750,000 ask, as the folks at The Real Deal noted. In an interesting twist, the transaction was inclusive of an undeveloped parcel of land that — despite being adjacent to the Trousdale spread — is technically not located in Trousdale Estates or Beverly Hills at all but rather the neighboring Los Angeles community of the Hollywood Hills, in a neighborhood often locally referred to as “above the Sunset Strip”.

Here’s a video showcasing the land.

The quarter-acre, steeply-sloped “above the Sunset Strip” lot has “explosive” views of Century City and the Pacific Ocean. Sorry, but Yolanda has no insider intel about what Mr. Julis plans to do with this vacant parcel.

Because, yes, although the new owner of the properties is masked behind something called “Hilldrive LLC”, Yolanda happens to know that the buyers are none other than our very own Mitch & Joleen Julis.

The new Julis compound is located up a long driveway off what is often considered to be the best street in all of Trousdale. Two doors away is the $35 million spread of soon-to-be-divorced Bill & Susan Gross and right next door is the $22.5 million home of Stein-Mart retail magnate Jay Stein. And Ringo Starr lives there, too.

Similar to the vacant property, we don’t know the couple’s (long-term) plans for the Trousdale house, but they’ve already made the property available as a luxury rental with at $100,000. Per month. Yowza!

Clearly, Mr. & Mrs. Julis ain’t suffering no mere millionaire renters. Let’s see what $1.2 million annually will lease you in Trousdale Estates.

A rather discreet driveway framed by weeping willows leads to an earth-toned gate that swings inward to reveal a 300-foot pebble driveway. One side is framed by neatly clipped hedges; the other by towering eucalyptus trees. And still no hint of the house appears until the end of the road. Such suspense!

The wonderfully private residence itself, a squat and minimalist collection of blocky rooms, looks rather more like something out in Palm Springs or La Quinta than a newly-built state-of-the-art spread in prime Beverly Hills. The property was built over the span of 10+ years by a couple named Robert & Anita Silverstein. And the Silversteins were apparently big fans of off-white and flesh-toned colors. By George, those are the only colors up in this place!

But don’t mistake our assessment for criticism. Yolanda is of the opinion that this place is gorgeous. It’s not often we write about a house we actually want to live in — we’ve got persnickety taste, after all — but we’d bunk up here in a heartbeat. We might change a few colors or decor choices, of course, but this is exactly the sort of residential situation we love.

Poor Mr. & Mrs. Silverstein didn’t get much (if any) chance to enjoy their Trousdale Estates dream home. He passed on in 2012 (the same year the house was completed), she followed in 2016.

The 7,016-square-foot, single-story casa has 4 bedrooms and a total of 6 bathrooms, and nearly every room sports walls of glass with picturesque views of the hills or the Century City skyline. The front door opens to a 75-foot long gallery (perfect for the collector!), and 12-foot ceilings. The floors are not tile or wood but rather composed of sandstone, an unconventional choice that Yolanda thinks perfectly complements the rest of the estate.

Natural light bathes the kitchen, with its Dornbracht fixtures and “top-of-the-line” (per the listing) appliances. The blocky center island and proliferation of cabinets and drawers allows Mr. & Mrs. Julis to cater a large party, should they ever eventually move in and choose to do so.

The family room sports some of the home’s loveliest views.

We don’t know the actual size of the master suite, but it must take up a good chunk of the 7,000-square-foot house because it features an oversized bedroom with a tufted white leather king-size bed, not one but two bathrooms with not one but two walk-in closets, a wet bar, a fireplace, and an outdoor terrace to curl up with a glass of Old Grand-Dad and a good Agatha Christie.

Whew! Oh, did we mention there’s also a private study with a “secret speakeasy”? Shhhh.

Each of the bathrooms also has its own soaking tub and skylights.

In addition to the cavernous master, the house boast two other similar-looking guest suites. There there is a maid’s quarters on the premises with another full bedroom and bathroom.

Tree shaded terraces further enhance the privacy of the home without much compromising of views. A long and narrow lap pool is not infinity-edged. But making it so would kinda be overkill at this point, right?

Discreetly sited around the back of the house are the three-car garages, which Yolanda thinks would look much better if the doors were painted a different color. And check out that sunset. That’s a $21 million sky, kiddos.

So why would Mr. Julis buy this place, only to lease it out to somebody else?

Brace yourself. According to Yolanda’s tabulations, this is not the priciest property in Mr. Julis’s portfolio. Or even the second priciest, for that matter. The Julis family is ballin’.

Mr. Julis’s main residence, completed sometime within the past few years, is a custom-built contemporary compound located in the epicenter of what is often considered to be the best area of Beverly Hills. It’s just a three-minute drive from his new Trousdale spread.

Directly next door to the 1-acre Julis property is the house that Tom Cruise sold to multi-billionaire hedge hog Leon Black just a few months ago for $38,000,000. Also within walking distance are the homes of Stewart & Lynda Resnick, Russ Weiner, Eric Smidt, Solomon Lew, Howard Marks, Guilford Glazer (may he RIP), Jerry Weintraub (may he also RIP) Max Mutchnick, Byron Allen, Ellen DeGeneres, Jeff Bezos, Pamela Skaist-Levy, Nathalie Marciano, Stavros Niarchos, Isaac Oberfeld, Sam Gores, and many more.

We don’t know the specifications of the new estate, but we do know that Mr. Julis paid $10,250,000 for the teardown property in 2009. Yolanda’s guess is that the new home and land are likely worth, oh, perhaps $30 million or so.

Like many uber-wealthy Angelenos, the Julis clan also lay claim to a house in Malibu. In his case the “house” is actually a boxy modern oceanfront compound sitting on a half-acre of the sandiest part of coveted Malibu Road.

Records show the Julis couple paid $21,475,000 for the Malibu pad — via a blind trust — in September 2010, when the recession was still in full swing. Properties along this particular section of the beach do not often come up for sale, but Yolanda would still estimate that the house is worth more today than back then. Maybe $25 million? Perhaps more?

Some of the nearest Malibu neighbors include Alec Gores, Tom Gores, Donald Sterling, Erika Glazer, New York property developer Edward Minskoff, New York hedge funder Christian Leone, and New York car dealership mogul Juliana Terian.

As we already mentioned, Mr. Julis & family also keep a toehold in New York: a residence in one of Manhattan’s most coveted buildings — 15 Central Park West.

Mr. & Mrs. Julis paid $10,100,000 for the 3-bed/3.5-bath flat in 2008 and attempted to flip it in 2012 for an brain-nuking $26,000,000. Sadly for them, the fourth-floor condo does not appear to have enticed a buyer and has since been delisted.

Other bigshot residents in the same building include Ekaterina Rybolovleva — she famously paid Sandy Weill $88,000,000 for his full-floor penthouse apartment — Denzel Washington, Sting, Min Kao, Elie Tahari, Omid Kordestani, and Dan Loeb. For a more comprehensive rundown of the apartments and owners, go here.

Last but certainly not least, Mr. & Mrs. Julis once owned a 20,248-square-foot whopper of a mansion in Bel Air that they leased to Elon Musk for several years and eventually sold to him in late 2012 for $17,000,000. The 1.5-acre tennis court estate remains Musky’s main residence, as far as Yolanda knows.

So there you have it. A beautiful New York apartment, a beautiful Malibu compound, a beautiful Beverly Hills mansion, and now a beautiful Trousdale Estates investment property. Mr. Julis, you’ve really outdone yourself.

Yolanda thinks Imelda would approve.

Listing agents: Michael Nourmand, Trevor Levin, and Adam Sires, Nourmand & Associates
Mr. Julis’s agent: Victoria Risko, Sotheby’s International Realty

Though famously a born-and-raised-and-forevermore-eternal Seattleite, hard rock musician and former junkie Duff McKagan actually spends a great deal of time livin’ away from his hometown fog way down here in the LA smog. With the exception of a handful of years, Mr. McKagan has owned a Los Angeles house since 1988. He’s also got a peculiar fondness for the side-by-side San Fernando Valley communities of Studio City and Sherman Oaks, where four of the six LA homes he has owned are located.

Before we digress further, though, Mr. McKagan is quite the interesting individual. Born Michael Andrew McKagan but given the nickname “Duff” by his Irish parents, the high school dropout honed his bass guitar skills from an early age and joined or formed several fledgling punk bands before he hooked up with Axl Rose, Izzy Stradlin, Steven Adler, and Slash.

The LA-based quintet founded what was to become a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame band — Guns ‘N Roses — in 1985. Their debut album, ’87’s Appetite for Destruction, sold nearly 30 million copies worldwide and is one of the bestselling debut albums of all time. Although initially poo-pooed by music critics upon its release, the record is now also regarded as one of the greatest albums of all time.

The band’s success ensured all the members were financially set for life, but their rock-n-roll lifestyles threatened to cut said lives unnaturally short. In 1994, Mr. McKagan fell ill (and nearly died) after his alcohol abuse induced a severe case of pancreatitis. The resulting recovery process, however, spurred Mr. McKagan to quit pills and booze for good.

The now-sober rocker has since turned his topsy-turvy life around and has taken business courses at Seattle University. He even opened wealth management firm Meridian Rock in 2011, although Yolanda is unable to locate a website or address for the business, so we’re unsure if it still exists. In any case, however, Mr. McKagan has an (estimated) net worth of $20 million.

Over his 30 years of fame, Mr. McKagan burned through two childless marriages. But he’s been married to his third wife — model Susan Holmes McKagan — for a whopping 17 years (congrats!) and the couple have two teenage daughters: Grace and Mae, both of whom have tens of thousands of followers on their Instathing doohickeys.

Another thing Mr. McKagan burned through (not literally, hopefully) was Los Angeles real estate. As best Yolanda can tell, he purchased his very first house way back in 1988, just a year after the first Guns ‘N Roses album debuted. The 2-bed/2-bath Studio City cottage — located near the celeb-popular Fryman Canyon area — spans a modest 1,855-square-feet and cost Mr. McKagan $425,000.

In late 1990, exactly two years after purchasing his Studio City house, Mr. McKagan laid out $838,000 for a 4,162-square-foot Traditional in the Hollywood Hills. For unknown reasons, Mr. McKagan held onto both properties for a decade longer before dumping them at financial losses in the early 2000s: the Studio City house was sold for $397,500 in 2000 and the Hollywood Hills house transferred for $820,000 the following year.

Incidentally, Mr. McKagan’s former Hollywood Hills home underwent a recent renovation and was transformed into a Contemporary-style pad. It’s currently on the market for $4,750,000.

In 1999, just before selling his other two pads, Mr. McKagan laid out $1,500,000 for a mansion out in Agoura Hills (CA) that he sold in 2004 for $2,475,000.

Sometime in 2003, Mr. McKagan paid $960,000 for a two-story mock-Med structure in Studio City that he flipped just two years later (at a major profit) for $1,600,000. It appears he then took a four-year break from LA home ownership before he bought his current home. That house — a spanish-style sprawler that is all but hidden from the street in the foothills of Sherman Oaks — cost him $2,975,000 in 2009.

Although Mr. McKagan has not yet sold his first Sherman Oaks house, Yolanda happens to know that he has majorly upgraded his residential circumstances yet again with a recent $4,700,000 blind trust purchase of a bonafide mansion that’s only about a two-minute drive from his other house.

The vaguely plantation-style house spans a celebrity-style 6,760-square-feet of living space with 7 bedrooms and a total of 8.25 bathrooms on a sizable half-acre lot. Originally built in 1936, the structure was expanded and renovated down “to the studs” by a development group that purchased the property two years ago for just $2,175,000.

A classic white walls/black shutters and front-facing two-car garage comprise the facade. The developers admirably left the mature trees alone, although we do wish they hadn’t put that rather hokey white picket fence up. It’s just Yolanda’s useless opinion but we find that a damn eyesore.

(Apparently, so does Mr. McKagan. He’s already hauled it off to the landfill and replaced it with a brick wall. But we digress.)

The front door open to pleasing wide-plank white oak floors that continue on the white-riser-equipped staircase. A step-down formal living/great room is enormously spacious and could probably seat all of Mr. McKagan’s rock-n-roll bandmates and their wives/girlfriends/concubines.

The living room conveniently opens to the kitchen, which features top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances and a barstool-equipped center island. For your choice of dining, there’s also a convenient breakfast nook or a formal dining room with paneled ceiling.

Rather surprisingly, the mansion does not appear to possess a de rigueur home theater room. But it does sport a combo game/media room adjacent to the kitchen.

Two guest/staff bedrooms are located on the ground floor. At the top of the staircase landing lies an informal family room/hangout area with easy access to all five of the upstairs suites.

Mr. McKagan and Ms. Holmes will certainly enjoy the lavish master suite, which features an oversized neutral-toned bedroom with four-poster bed, a master bath with soaking tub and glass shower, a walk-in closet, and even a cozy sitting room w/ a fireplace. Accessible from either the bedroom or the sitting room is a slim outdoor terrace with a few pieces of furniture and views over the lush backyard.

Here’s an example of one of the house’s larger bedroom suites, which we imagine will be used by one of Mr. McKagan’s two daughters.

That bedroom opens to a very slim flagstone terrace overlooking the front yard. And somewhere inside there’s a modern office/study/library-without-shelves-or-books.

Take the party out back to the creature-comfort-laden (and completely private) outdoors with its lounge and dining areas, BBQ and firepit, pool/spa, sports court, separate pool bath/changing room and jewel-toned grassy areas.

Up in Seattle, Mr. McKagan still owns the waterfront house that he purchased way back in 1993 for $1,400,000. The property features a sports court, large pool, and a boat dock (currently outfitted with a boat).

That’s all, folks. If you’ll excuse Yolanda, she’s got the griddle on and those tamales ain’t gonna steam themselves. And trust us, you don’t want to upset the Yakketyyak family with some messed-up Christmas tamales. They’ll cut a beotch. Hasta la vista, babies.

Listing agent: Chris Lucibello, Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices
Mr. McKagan’s agent: Elizabeth Friedman, Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices

Seems as though Yolanda’s anointed duty (curse? blessing?) is to discuss the real estate doings of the many members of the exceptionally prosperous Spielberg clan. If we must, we must. So be it!

We’ve already babbled on about the independently-wealthy Jessica Capshaw‘s $10 million splurge on an unfinished Pacific Palisades mansion, and we also gabbed about the much more modest (yet far cooler) Silver Lake starter home of her younger half-sister Sasha Spielberg. Now let’s take a quick gander at the two-story Traditional in Westchester recently acquired by eldest son Max Spielberg.

We don’t think we’ve ever written a story about Westchester before — it’s not exactly celebrity-infested — so in the spirit of the holiday season, we will give any of y’all out-of-towners a wee geography lesson. Westchester is located just south of LA’s Westside region, just a couple miles inland from the Pacific Ocean. It’s just east of the pricey community of Playa del Rey and just west of the somewhat rough-and-tumble neighborhood of Inglewood. Westchester is also about equidistant between Santa Monica to the north and Torrance to the south. The area is also home to Loyola Marymount University.

Westchester may be best-known, however, as the neighborhood that millions of people pass through every year, many of them never realizing they do so. Westchester is, after all, home to the feared and loathed hot mess known as Los Angeles International Airport. Or simply LAX. The place of shattered dreams and permanently lowered expectations; the place where hope goes to die and leave its carcass to fester in the summer heat.

Young Mr. Spielberg’s new house is so conveniently close to LAX that he could walk to the airport. Well, perhaps not that close — that walk could get annoying with luggage. But it would take him exactly 7 minutes to walk from his house to the nearest LAX bus stop and only 9 minutes and $1.25 more for the bus to take him to the airport terminals. Sure beats paying $30/day for parking, are we right? And yes, we calculated the times and fees ourselves. Boredom mixed with OCD is never a good combo. Don’t judge.

But we majorly digress. Do the Spielbergs even fly commercial? Shouldn’t they be living up in Burbank near the private jet airport?!

Max Spielberg is actually Steven Spielberg’s eldest offspring, and his only child with Academy Award-nominated actress Amy Irving, whom he divorced in 1989 in what was then estimated to be the third-costliest celebrity divorce of all time. Ms. Irving reportedly received a fat $100 million settlement.

Our young Mr. Spielberg, now in his early 30s, briefly worked in Hollywood during the late ’90s and early 2000s, but otherwise seems to have eschewed the industry that made his family so rich and famous. We’re not entirely sure what Mr. Spielberg does for work or for leisure these days — for all we know he’s locked up 24/7 in a nuclear laboratory perfecting a cure for chinchilla rabies — but we do know for a fact that he recently found time to wed an aspiring beauty blogger named Valerie.

History tells us that a new marriage and/or poppin’ a new baby often means folks go on the hunt for a new house. And indeed, lookie here. Mr. Spielberg and his wife selected the aforementioned house in Westchester, which they acquired through a blind trust. (For the record: this sale actually went down late last year but Yolanda was slow on the uptake. Sorry, kiddies.)

According to property records, Mr. & Mrs. Spielberg paid $2,100,000 for the structure, a rather shocking $250,000 more than the asking price. So either the house was significantly underpriced to start or Mr. & Mrs. Spielberg wanted this place quite badly. Or both, right?

Let’s take a quick look at what got them so hot ‘n bothered.

First thing to note is that the 2006-built house towers three stories from the front driveway (including the subterranean two-car garage). Because of the narrow lot and the sloped parcel, however, the developer chose to locate the front door next to the garage but rather on the other side of the house.

The lot size is a fairly cramped (but typical for the neighborhood) .13 of an acre. The house itself clocks in at a comfy (but hardly huge) 3,851 square feet.

Other than a tree-shaded grassy front yard that curves around to meet the driveway and a tiny fenced-in side yard, there ain’t much outdoor space. And there’s no pool, which may seem surprising for a $2.1 million house but is also typical for the neighborhood.

The front door opens to a proper entrance foyer. Pricey walnut floors run throughout both levels. There’s a centrally-located family room on the main floor. Seems typical enough, right?

But not so fast. This house is actually quite unconventional. You see, all the entertaining spaces — the living room, dining room, kitchen — are located not on the main floor but rather on the upstairs level, the place usually reserved (in other more ordinary homes) for bedroom suites and other private chambers and such.

It seems this place was meant to accommodate entertainers and their guests, so the upstairs is mostly one open room. The gourmet kitchen has high-end appliances and white cabinetry with black countertops of an unknown material.

The living room has a few bookshelves and a gaping fireplace large enough to heat the whole house and possibly the one next door, too.

Also on the upper level is the master suite, which the listing stresses is “tucked away privately”, whatever that means. The suite itself is roomy but not huge. There’s a corner fireplace, a writing desk, and a sitting area by the window. Two French doors open to a spacious outdoor deck partially shaded by a wooden trellis.

The master bathroom has dual vanities, a soaking tub, and a de rigueur glass enclosed shower but otherwise looks a tad bit dated, particularly with those sad grey tile floors.

Back on the lower level are two more guest/family bedroom suites (the listing says the house has a total of 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms) and a private office with what looks like a slim window seat.

Just for fun, because it’s almost Christmas and those of you who celebrate this holiday deserve a treat for putting up with Yolanda, let’s take a look at Max Spielberg’s daddy’s real estate portfolio.

The Spielberg clan’s main residence has long been their multi-acre hilltop compound on what is perhaps the most expensive street in the searingly-expensive “Riviera” section of Pacific Palisades. In addition to the main house, Yolanda counts at least five smaller accessory buildings on the premises.

Just a quick jaunt east on Sunset Boulevard is the nearly 2-acre equestrian ranch that Mr. Spielberg bought for his horse-lovin’ wife Kate Capshaw nearly 20 years ago. The property is located in the bucolic Sullivan Canyon area, where other richie rich residents include Ryan Murphy, Diane Keaton, Lorenzo di Bonaventura, and Richard Edlund and his Russian heiress wife Rita Kogan.

In New York City’s Upper West Side, Mr. & Mrs. Spielberg combined two 16th floor units at the illustrious San Remo building to create a 6,000-square-foot “mansion in the sky” with views of Central Park.

In East Hampton, Mr. Spielberg has nearly 10 oceanfront acres and a Gwathmey Siegel-designed compound on the shore of hoity-toity Georgica Pond.

After putting the property out for lease over the course of several years, Mr. & Mrs. Spielberg recently sold their double-lot mansion on Malibu’s quickly-disappearing Broad Beach for $26,000,000 to real estate investor Steve Gozini.

And then there’s Mr. Spielberg’s $200 million floating mansion. But Saint Yolanda is exhausted for the night. If you’ll excuse us, we’ve got merrymaking to do.

Listing agent: Robin Zacha, Power Brokers International
Max Spielberg’s agent: Ann Eysenring, The Agency

Although Yolanda recently heard a whisper or two about this impending transaction, we were skeptical at first. Don’t blame us, we just thought ol’ Leo would want to lay low in the real estate department after some unfavorable money-related gossip about him made the rounds earlier this year.

But nope. The deal is done. And it really did happen. Mr. DiCaprio — who certainly needs no introduction and has long been one of the biggest box office draws and highest-paid Hollywood actors of his generation — has paid a whopping (and very A-list) $23,000,000 through a mysterious LLC for an all-but-vacant property on Malibu’s coveted Paradise Cove. Mama at Variety has the juicy deets.

42-year-old Mr. DiCaprio may be commercially-successful and a critically-acclaimed performer, but he’s also more than a tad controversial. Certain folks often tongue-wag about his allegedly hypocritical eco-warrior preaching. More alarming, however, (at least to silly little Yolanda) is Mr. DiCaprio’s involvement with the 1MDB money-laundering scandal that has rocked the entire world. Though the explanation was the trusty ol’ “scheduling conflict“, it is widely believed that this controversy caused Hillary Clinton to abruptly cancel a recent fundraising event at Mr. DiCaprio’s Hollywood Hills home in favor of Justin Timberlake’s. Ouch!

But let’s get down to business. This sale was totally off-market, so — unfortunately — no pictures are readily available. Then again, there really ain’t much to see anyway. The 1.76-acre lot (with 88 feet of beach frontage) is all but vacant with only a 610-square-foot cottage clinging to the edge of the bluff. We don’t know anything for certain, of course, but Yolanda would wager that Mr. DiCaprio plans to raze the teeny-weeny cottage and built an eco-friendly compound to enjoy with his many saucy lady friends. But we could be wrong.

The property in question has a bit of celebrity history — it was purchased back in 2004 by famed director Sir Ridley Scott. Property records show Sir Scott paid $7,200,000 but only held onto the cottage for two years before flipping it for $11,000,000 to New York-based billionaire Vinnie Viola.

In 2012, Mr. Viola briefly attempted (with no luck) to sell the spread with an asking price of $15 million. And good thing he didn’t sell. Soaring Paradise Cove property values means that only four years later, Mr. DiCaprio paid him $23 million — $8 million more than Mr. Viola originally wanted and more than double than what he paid for an essentially unchanged property. Not a bad return on investment, eh?

Oh, and in case you think Mr. DiCaprio massively overpaid, Yolanda would advise you to think again. Like we say, home values on Paradise Cove have gone absolutely bonkers over the past few years.

It all seems to have started with The Lego Movie producer Jon Burton and his wife Helen. In late 2012, the Burtons slammed down $36,500,000 for the rather gorgeous Malibu compound of the late inventor Max Palevsky (may he RIP).

The following year, apparel mogul and real estate baller Serge Azria paid $41,000,000 for the nearby multi-acre estate of film producer Jerry Weintraub (may he also RIP). Our Mr. Azria is currently engaged in a full-scale remodel of the entire property.

Then, only last year, the dam really broke. There was Steve Jobs’ widow Laurene who paid a mind-bending $44,000,000 in cash for the multi-acre unfinished compound directly above Paradise Point.

Also last year, uber-rich tennis legend John McEnroe and his wifey Patty Smyth coughed up a heart-stopping $21,000,000 for an oceanfront mansion on a tiny sliver (just .3-acre) of Paradise Cove land.

At the very beginning of 2015, seriously-loaded music producer/headphones entrepreneur Jimmy Iovine laid out an unprecedented $60,000,000 for the multi-residence spread of TV producer Marcy Carsey.

Meanwhile, soap opeara scions Bill & Maria Bell recently completed a modern mega-mega-mansion located on what is probably the highest point above Paradise Cove. We suspect this house might be one of the most valuable in the entire city. Could it be worth $100 million? Yolanda thinks it is possible.

As for Mr. DiCaprio, he can take comfort in knowing that all his new neighbors are just as sick-rich as he. Right next door to his new lot is a large mansion owned by billionaire TV producer Mark Burnett. Two doors down is the home of residuals-rich Friends actress Courteney Cox, two doors in the other direction is the home of alleged Hollywood madam Diana Jenkins, whose BFFs include Cindy Crawford, Elton John, Neil Patrick Harris, and Kid Rock.

Other close new neighbors include Dick Clark’s widow Kari, billionaire Don Hankey, billionaire Tamara Gustavson, billionaire Stan Kroenke (and his wife, the also-a-billionaire Ann Walton), and former studio head Ron Meyer (who happens to be the father of Jennifer Meyer, the soon-to-be ex-wife of Leo’s BFF Tobey Maguire. But we digress).

But the best part of Mr. DiCaprio’s new lot is that it is walking distance from Yolanda’s favorite restaurant in Malibu: Geoffrey’s. Sorry, kiddies, we had to give them a shameless shoutout. We don’t even care. Here’s another tip: if you’re a Malibu first-timer, avoid this tourist trap restaurant.

Once upon a time — not so very long ago, actually — Carbon Beach and Broad Beach were the Malibu choices for billionaire investors. The quest for more privacy and more land (and the disappearing beach!), however, has driven deep-pocketed folks to Paradise Cove, once sort of a scruffy wilderness area full of smallish beach shacks and dirt roads. But it’s got the trifecta — land, views, and a spectacular sandy beach.

Now then. Just in case anyone was wondering, Yolanda is not currently in the market for n 8-figure house in Malibu. But if we were, rest assured that we would choose to park our cash in Paradise Cove. No question. Real talk.

As they say:

“A book of verses underneath the bough
A flask of wine, a loaf of bread and thou
Beside me singing in the wilderness
And wilderness is paradise now…”

Several weeks ago, our Romanian friend Vlad the Revealer at Celebrity Address Aerial inquired as to the identity of the new owner of a exceptionally-tall house in the Beachwood Canyon neighborhood of the Hollywood Hills. It took Yolanda a hot minute but after we slapped and poked and walloped a few unsuspecting people, we finally got the answer.

Before we prattle away, however, the house was sold by an actor/musician named Shane West, perhaps best-known for his roles in a variety of films and TV shows including ER, Nikita, and Salem. Our Mr. West appears to have taken a slight loss on the house: he purchased the property for $1,775,000 in 2006 and just sold it for $1,758,000.

Anyway, the new owner — who took title under a blind trust — is a guy named Gerald Gillum, better known to many young hip-hop fans the world over as G-Eazy.

Mr. Eazy — 27 years of age — was born and raised in the Bay Area of NorCal. He seems to have had a rather rough childhood growing up, with his parents divorcing and his mom shacking up with a woman to whom Mr. Eazy would grow close, only to eventually find her dead at home from a depression-fueled suicide.

Our young fella graduated from Loyola University New Orleans in 2011 and quickly immersed himself in the US hip-hop landscape. He released mixtapes and performed on the Vans Warped Tour and at other assorted venues before releasing his debut full-length studio album. That record — 2014’s These Things Happen — soared to the top of the Billboard Hip-Hop/R&B and Top Rap Albums charts and also peaked at an impressive #3 on the weekly top 200 albums chart.

Mr. Eazy has capitalized on his initial success by embarking on a completely sold-out world tour and releasing a sophomore album, 2015’s When It’s Dark Out. That year alone, he also headlined (or co-headlined) world-famous festivals like Lollapalooza, Electric Forest, Bonnaroo, Outside Lands, Made in America, and Austin City Limits.

Yolanda has never heard a G-Eazy song, mind you, and we plan to keep it that way. At our age, we have an instant and lasting dislike for anything new and confusing. However, it’s worth noting that Mr. Eazy’s releases typically get good reviews and he’s also quite the stylish figure with his clean-cut appearance, slicked-back hair, and leather jackets. We definitely approve of the James Dean-ish look. So stick around, Mr. Eazy.

But we digress.

This house was built in 1979 in a rather unattractive faux-Tuscan style with 3,642-square-feet of living space. The property itself is downright puny — barely .15-acre, not all of which is usable due to the hillside’s steepness. That’s fairly typical for this neighborhood, however.

But here’s the thing. The owner of this home has absolutely got to be in tip-top physical condition. (Unless they are a masochist, of course.) This has gotta be the tallest and most stair-filled structure we’ve ever discussed on this blog. Soaring a full five floors from the street, the property absolutely towers over the road below. That’s great for views but not necessarily great for Mr. Eazy when he comes home with a trunk full of Gelson’s shopping bags. The kitchen is on the fourth floor and don’t even ask about the elevator. There isn’t one.

Say it ain’t so!

Oh well. At least the Porsche-driving Mr. Eazy will appreciate that the house contains a two-car garage, a definite boon in this crowded neighborhood. Parking is precious.

Strangely enough, the “front door” — if that’s indeed the appropriate term here — appears to be located way up on the fourth floor of the residence. Hand-carved wood-and-glass-doors swing open to floors that appear to be hardwood. A colorful chest sets off the entry vestibule.

To the right of the doorway is the dining room; to the left is a living room with vaulted wood-beamed ceiling, fireplace, and sets of French doors that take in jetliner views of an enormous swathe of the LA basin and — on a clear day — the Pacific Ocean.

The recently-renovated kitchen has medium-grade appliances and milk-white countertops. And just around the corner are another set of steps that lead to the fifth floor, which contains three of the home’s four bedrooms.

Another oddity of the house is that it sports not one but two master suites. The first is located on the top floor and contains a spacious bedroom with views galore, dual vanities, and an old-timey tub-slash-shower setup. Goodness, everything about that thing just seems awkward.

A second master bedroom is located down a narrow flight of stairs just off the kitchen and features a very similar layout.

Somewhere else there’s a room with a writing desk, a large settee with a thin coffee table, and a black-and-green globe that Yolanda fiercely covets.

The property is much too small and steep to have any sort of formal backyard, but it does sport staircases that lead down to a trough-style swimming pool. There’s also spacious brick terraces with a full outdoor BBQ and seating area w/ firepit. Just watch your feet on those bricks during a sweltering summer day, Mr. Eazy. Ouchies!

A self-contained guesthouse (not pictured here) directly above the garage houses a large game/billiards room and a room that could be utilized as a recording studio.

If you’d like a more in-depth look at this house, check out this YouTube video tour.

As far as we can tell this is the first home purchased by Mr. Eazy in LA or anywhere, for that matter. Mazel tov, felicidades, grattis, congrats, etc.

Listing agents: Edward Faktorovich, Figure 8 Realty; Sherri Rogers, Nourmand & Associates
G-Eazy’s agent: Megan Haley, Coldwell Banker

Last May (2015), a large house located in a very prime section of Beverly Hills and owned by billionaire Greek heir Alkiviades “Alki” David was listed for $35 million. The rather eccentric Mr. David babbled to the Wall Street Journal some silly nonsense about how “Nobody should consider offering anything less [than $35 million]” and “the price is only going to go up.”

Well, either the bellicose Mr. David was trolling us hard or he was straight up lyin’, because the price did not go up. In fact, the price took a damn nosedive — falling to $29,750,000 this September (2016) and then crashing to $24,950,000 only one month later. That’s a truly embarrassing $10,050,000 less than Mr. David originally wanted.

But we’re not just here for the schadenfreude.

A few weeks ago, the house finally entered escrow. And although the sale has not yet officially closed and the final sale price remains unknown, a little birdie snitched to Yolanda that the new owner will be a controversial Beverly Hills-based businessman named Victorino “Victor” Jesus Noval.

But before we digress, let’s examine the history of this property. The house lies on an oddly-shaped 1-acre parcel of land that’s just a quick jaunt from the legendary Beverly Hills Hotel. The listing says the mansion clocks in at 16,217-square-feet, but it somehow appears smaller to Yolanda’s eyes. In any case, it’s still a big ass house.

Unfortunately, however, the estate is still absolutely dwarfed by the its gigantic next-door neighbor. Yes, kiddies, this home is adjacent to the Hollywood-pedigreed Pickfair estate. If you want the most thorough rundown on that estate’s history, go here. But suffice for this story to say it was originally built in the 1920s by silent film actress Mary Pickford and her husband Douglas Fairbanks. The couple were A-list celebrities of their day who entertained all manner of celebrities at the home until their eventual divorce. Ms. Pickford retained ownership of the home until her 1979 death. RIP. In 1980, the property was sold to Lakers owner Jerry Buss (also RIP), who in turn sold the 2.7-acre estate in 1988 to Israeli businessman Meshulam Riklis and his big-lipped wifey Pia Zadora. The couple tore down the original house and replaced it with a 25,000-square-foot Italian/Venetian monstrosity that Ms. Zadora eventually sold in 2005 to Korean-born businessman Corry Hong for $17,650,000.

Anyway, the Pickfair estate towers over this house, the one Mr. Noval (allegedly) just bought for something like $20 million or more.

In fact, the parcel of land that the David-cum-Noval mansion lies on was once part of Mary Pickford’s original estate and served as her “hunting grounds”. No joke.

Mr. Noval’s new house was originally completed in 2009 — near the height of the recession — by developers named Harvey Rosen and Ryan Lynch. Said developers sold the spec-mansion in early 2010 to Mr. David for $16,500,000, a big discount off the $23,950,000 they were originally seeking.

Now then, we think Mr. David might be the world’s richest professional troll. The billionaire is heir to his family’s Coca-Cola shipping/bottling conglomerate and owns an Internet-based TV provider firm called FilmOn but seems to spend his free time trying to get his mug in the news. This is a guy who once offered $1 million to anyone who would streak in front of President Obama, after all.

Mr. David is currently married to his third wife, socialite Jennifer Stano, with whom he has two young children. Ms. Stano — who sports nearly 700,000 Instagram followers — and Mr. David recently issued a bizarre press release to the media about how their mutual friend — some chick named Danielle — was “just a dear friend” and “nothing more”. Either way, the PR piece sounded like it was desperately trying to imply some sort of  ménage à trois but Yolanda really don’t know anything about that so we won’t say anything else other than Mr. David and Ms. Stano currently appear to be in the process of divorcing.

Mr. David has been accused by others of posting (and then deleting) several very vulgar images of his wife. We dare not say any more. Although we have not seen said photographs, they sound rather disgusting.

As for Mr. Noval, he’s a very colorful figure in his own right. Our boy is currently involved in litigation with the city of Modesto, CA over his right to open a strip club and/or adult cabaret or two up there. He also — so we’ve heard — owns a number of strip clubs and “adult-themed” businesses in Nevada. Additionally, Mr. Noval is also a convicted felon who in 2003 pled guilty to mail fraud and tax evasion in connection to a multi-million dollar mortgage scam.

According to a fellow blogger, Mr. Noval is currently attempting to scam folks into donating to his Victorino Noval Foundation — which is actually not a legit non-profit foundation at all. And allegedly (!), according to a complaint by his own brother, Mr. Noval was even involved in a plot to murder his mega-rich invalid father! Goodness gracious!

Family squabbles aside and on a lighter note, Mr. Noval married again this year. Here his is with his blushing bride, 25 years his junior.

28-year-old Hannah Fenwick and Mr. Noval were married this August, according to his Facebook page. (Mazel tov!) Now let’s discuss what will be their new marital home, we assume.

Described as an “Italian Villa” in the listing, the house features a large motorcourt and a subterranean garage. A wrought iron gate swings inward for a touch of pomp and circumstance.

Elaborate wrought-iron front doors swing open to a foyer with a black grand piano underneath the industrial-sized staircase. Admirably, the house also packs in at least two study/libraries, though it doesn’t appear Mr. David & Ms. Stano cared much for collecting books.

That breakfast table has a lovely view but those canopy chairs always give Yolanda the willies for some strange reason.

Formal living/formal rooms are massive to the point of ridiculousness. Mr. David must’ve made some tacky tufted leather couch salesman very happy, eh?

The formal dining room has a fireplace and the table seats 14 (!!!). There’s also not one but two massive crystal chandeliers overhead. Looks as though the builder/Mr. Alki attempted to country-fy the kitchen with some faux-distressed wood beams.

Shockingly, the house does not appear to possess a traditional movie theater. Rather, Mr. David makes do with a clumsy setup that includes an off-center projection screen and some eyebrow-raising furniture that probably cost more than a new BMW but looks to Yolanda like it came from the clearance section at Sears.

Somewhere downstairs there’s some sort of dungeon-like wine cellar/game room/lounge.

We hope the master bedroom is staged because all that white leather furniture is tremendoesly banal. French doors access a balcony with treetop views. The master bathroom is swathed in beige marble/tile.

In addition to the master, there are five more suites in the mansion, one of which is done up for the kiddies.

The backyard isn’t as big as you might expect for a $20 million house — remember, this is a huge structure packed onto an oddly-shaped lot — but it does pack in the necessary features like a large swimming pool w/ spa, stone terraces, firepit, outdoor dining areas, etc.

Really, y’all, Yolanda thinks this house will look quite nice if Mr. Noval hires a professional interior decorator to do the place up right.

Yolanda’s research indicates that Mr. Noval will not have to schlep his belongings very far from his current home to his new one. That’s because he already lives in the neighborhood. In fact, it would take him about 90 seconds in his Rolls Royce to trundle from his current home to the house he is (allegedly) about to purchase.

Mr. Noval paid $6,100,000 for his current 7,577-square-foot house back in summer 2012. Described as a “European villa” in old marketing materials Yolanda dug up, tax documents show it has 6 beds and 6.5 baths and rests on a tightly-packed .37-acre lot. There appears to be a subterranean garage.

In addition to Corry Hong, Mr. Noval’s new neighbors (who were also his old neighbors) will include Priscilla Presley and  billionaire Elaine Wynn.

All other nonsense aside, Mr. Noval may be best-known for his part-ownership of an enormous property up in Beverly Hills Post Office that is known as “The Vineyard”. The 157-acre undeveloped spread contains six graded estate-sized lots. At one point, the entire village-sized property was being marketed with a downright ludicrous asking price of $1 billion. But after a rather scandalous expose was published in the Hollywood Reporter, Mr. Noval (and his partners) issued a silly press release denying that the property was ever for sale. Oh, puh-lease.

A quick peep and poke through records reveals that these two houses we’ve discussed (and the Vineyard) are not the only Beverly Hills properties owned by Mr. Noval. Last year he paid $13,000,000 (through an LLC) for a ho-hum mansion just above Sunset Boulevard on the eastern edge of Beverly Hills.

Mr. Noval has since razed the mansion and currently has the vacant land up for sale with a ballsy asking price of $22,000,000. You know what they say about suckers being born and all that, right?

Alki David’s agent: Marc Noah, Sotheby’s International Realty

As we bid adieu to what has been for many folks — Yolanda included — a tumultuous 2016, we pause and reflect over the changes we’ve seen up on this itsy-bitsy website. Hard to believe, but Yolanda created this space nearly one full year ago, way back in January (2016). Since then, we’ve posted 200+ stories and had lots of fun.

Just so you know, we have this cool little feature on our site that shows how many views/clicks each individual story has received. And in case you didn’t somehow already notice, Yolanda is a wee bit OCD. We love numbers, lists, and rankings. And we also love houses, natch. So we thought a list showing our most popular (most read) stories of 2016 was something all y’all eyeballs would enjoy.

We like this list because it’s got a healthy range of folks. There are actors, singers, entrepreneurs, and even a socialite and a YouTube celebrity. There are modern mega-mansions, Traditional mansions, and an architectural tour-de-force or two. Yolanda likes that our casual readers and/or subscribers are interested in a variety of topics. Apparently.

So without further babbling or digression, here are the year’s top 20 most interesting or most click-worthy posts, according to the innocent folks out there who somehow stumbled across this site.

(P.S. the competition for the ultra-coveted “crown” of Most Popular Story of 2016 was not even close. The #1 story had nearly quadruple the amount of views of our #2.)

20) An undercover $32 million sale quietly breaks the Pacific Palisades record

Financier Richard Hollander and his wife Jackie paid an unprecedented $32,500,000 for an ultra-modern house designed by spec-mansion king Paul McClean. For starters, the residence is at least 10,000-square-feet with an underground garage and ocean/city views. The sale price is by far the most ever paid for a house in LA’s tony Pacific Palisades neighborhood.

19) La Cañada Flintridge’s own Vince Dundee buys $23 million worth of Malibu sand

La Cañada Flintridge-based film equipment rental entrepreneur Vince Dundee paid a total of $23,250,000 for two adjacent oceanfront homes on Malibu Road. One of them is the modern spec-mansion seen above.

18) Ricky Martin pulls out a loca $13 million for a contemporary Beverly Hills (Post Office) casa

The internationally famous Ricky Martin decided to take his loca life back to Beverly Hills (Post Office), with an aggressive $13,500,000 for a lovely and newly reimagined/expanded mid-century modern.

17) Harry Styles secretly sells his LA house at a major loss

Oh, those crazy One Direction boys and their real estate trouble-making ways. No fewer than five 1D stories are featured here on Yolanda’s list. Poor (rich) Harry Styles took a cringe-worthy $800,000+ loss on the Beverly Hills (Post Office) house that he bought back in 2014 and that was his first-ever home purchase in the US of A.

16) Stein Mart Chairman Jay Stein spoons out $22 million in Trousdale Estates

After decades of primarily residing in Jacksonville (FL), apparel magnate Jay Stein (of Stein-Mart fame and fortune) plunked down a fat $22,500,000 for a vacation home on what is often considered to be the best street in the Trousdale Estates area of Beverly Hills. The “museum modern”, as it is christened, features a windowed motorcourt.

15) Just who is Tina Trahan?

Socialite, madam, or blackmailer? Just who is Tina Trahan and what does she do? We still don’t know. But we are quite certain that the lady is loaded. She spent $7,150,000 on a Santa Monica spec-mansion early this year. (And she also paid another $6,000,000 for a “condo” in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. But we digress.)

14) One Direction’s Niall Horan Buys a Freaky Frank Gehry

Ho hum, another One Direction boy. This Irish bloke bought a Hollywood Hills home partially designed by Frank Gehry. Oh, and one of his nearest new neighbors is Lady GaGa.

13) “Jeunesse” founders Randy Ray & Wendy Lewis spend $16 million in Trousdale Estates

Orlando (FL) based multi-level marketing (MLM) entrepreneurs Randy Ray and Wendy Lewis snagged a spec-mansion in the ever-trendy Trousdale Estates neighborhood of Beverly Hills. The single-story house is rather spectacular and had a pricetag to match: the couple paid $16,000,000.

12) Gerard Butler covertly acquires two “architectural masterpieces” on Malibu’s Point Dume

The ultra-eligible Scottish bachelor hunk traded in his leased Malibu digs for something more permanent. The architectural compound — a truly gorgeous property — sits privately in the pricey Point Dume neighborhood.

11) LA’s Biggest Sales of 2015

For some reason, people like livin’ in the past. Yolanda’s first-ever published story, exclusively about 2015 transactions, proved to be a hit — or whatever — all year-round. And yes, Taylor Swift bought that $25 million house. Even though she loves lyin’ about it.

10) Maurice Marciano spends $20 million in Trousdale Estates

GUESS? may not be the fashion phenom it once was, but apparently folks are still very interested in how Maurice Marciano lives. Short version: in Trousdale Estates, in a spec-mansion designed by Paul McClean and for which he paid $20,800,000.

9) Mandeville Mystery 2: Shawn Levy Sells to Trent Reznor for $16 million

Grammy-winning singer/songwriter and Oscar-winning movie soundtrack composer Trent Reznor has a supersized war chest of cash. He and his wife Mariqueen Maandig spent $16,650,000 to buy the Brentwood mansion of director/producer Shawn Levy. The house is located in the bucolic Mandeville Canyon neighborhood and the interiors were done up by celebrity decorator Windsor Smith, a lady who Yolanda loves even though we occasionally and good-naturedly poke fun at her.

8) YouTube stars Rosanna Pansino & HuskyStarcraft plop out nearly $4 million in Tarzana

Take a cute young lady and mix her into a cooking show. Add a pinch of nerdiness, and what have you? YouTube gold, apparently. Enough to afford a $4 million estate in the Tarzana neighborhood of the San Fernando Valley.

7) Louis Tomlinson pays $7 million for a new old Hollywood Hills house

It may not seem like the most toddler-friendly house, but One Direction band member (and young father) Louis Tomlinson forked out a serious $7,300,000 for this newly-rebuilt old Hollywood Hills house nonetheless.

6) Is one of LA’s largest mansions facing foreclosure?

Reclusive self-made real estate investor Don Abbey, once indisputably the most lavish-living resident of the tiny Bradbury Estates guard-gated community in also-tiny Bradbury, CA, appears to be on the brink of losing his epic mansion to foreclosure. The compound totals 47,000-square-feet across multiple structures, making it easily one of the largest estates in the entirety of LA County.

5) Tobey Maguire weaves his way into a $13 million Brentwood spec-mansion

Spidey may be getting a divorce but that hasn’t stopped him from weaving a big new pussy web in Brentwood. He paid right about $13 million for this brand-new spec-mansion.

4) Makeup bazillionaire Jamie Kern Lima dumps $13 million on a Brentwood contemporary

She’s a former Miss USA contestant, a former Big Brother reality star, a Baywatch girl, and holds an MBA from the Ivy League’s Columbia University. She’s also a self-made entrepreneur who sold her company for $1.2 billion and straightaway bought a $13 million mansion in Brentwood. She’s the 39-year-old Jamie Kern Lima and she’s here to remind Yolanda that our life is just not gonna cut it.

3) Louis Tomlinson (or Liam Payne?) Buys a $10 Million Calabasas crib for his baby mama

Yet another One Direction member-owned home — this one a sprawling estate out in the Monte Nido area near Calabasas and Malibu. Owned by Louis or Liam? We now suspect the culprit is Liam.

2) “The Walking Dead” star Steven Yeun pays all-cash in Los Feliz

Mr. Yeun had a busy 2016: he got hitched to his longtime lady love Joana Pak, sold his Hollywood apartment, and bought his first house in Los Feliz. All cash, no less. Oh, and his Walking Dead character also died.

1) Harry Styles pays $7 million for a new Los Angeles house in an ultra-top-secret deal

Far and away our most-viewed (and most commented) post of 2016 was our reveal of His Hair Highness Harry Styles’ new West Hollywood house. Three stories of private party fun — ooh la la. And “bachelor pad” is sexuality neutral, just so y’all know. At least in Yolanda’s little black book.

P.S. In case Yolanda starts imbibing early tomorrow and forgets to post any new stories for a bit, we wish everyone a Happy New Year! Don’t worry, be happy. And may all your real estate dreams come true.

Reality television pioneer turned fashion designer and entrepreneur Lauren Conrad rang in the New Year right with a big announcement: she’s expecting her first child with her former indie musician hubby William Tell.

That the Audi R8-driving former Laguna Beach: The Real OC and The Hills star would find time to become pregnant is impressive to Yolanda — Ms. Conrad is a busy, busy lady who presides over several fashion lines that are sold in major retail stores nationwide. Oh, and she’s also quite the savvy real estate investor. At the tender age of 30, she has already assembled a $20 million portfolio of luxury properties that would make most multi-millionaires quite jelly, we think.

And as Ms. Chen at The Real Deal already revealed, LC is still movin’ and shakin’ on the property front. She has just listed her swanky Pacific Palisades estate for sale with an asking price of $5,195,000 — nearly $800k more than the $4,400,000 she paid less than two years ago, back in April 2015. Let’s take a quick look-see what Ms. Conrad has done to the place that justifies such a substantial increase.

Here’s how the house appeared when she bought it back in 2015, if you’d like to judge for yourself.

First off, some stats: the 5-bed/5.5-bath, 5,871-square-foot house was built in 2004 and sits in the ritzy (if rather remote) Highlands neighborhood of Pacific Palisades, in the back of the guard-gated Enclave community. The listing rather grandiosely terms the residence a “Santa Barbara Spanish” although to Yolanda’s eyes it appears more like a well-styled mock-Med.

Total privacy seems to be the theme here: the house sits way far back on its 1.5-acre lot, up a long driveway lined with olive tree planters. Additionally, the house abuts the open land of the Santa Monica mountains. Expect to see deer and coyotes and perhaps even the occasional bear or two up at Ms. Conrad’s house.

A quick comparison of old and new listing photos reveals that Ms. Conrad replaced the rather ugly pavestone driveway with a much lovelier pebble motorcourt. Tell us, kiddies, is there anything more satistfying than the sound of a Rolls Royce or Bentley rolling slowly over a crunchy pebble driveway? Yolanda thinks not.

It appears Ms. Conrad has applied a fresh coat of white paint inside and out, but changes otherwise seem minor. She has sealed off a pass-through from the entry vestibule to the staircase (wonder why? Isn’t that bad feng shui or something?). But the living room appears entirely unchanged, with the exception of some new furniture.

We do think Ms. Conrad did a good job with the kitchen, which previously managed to look both dated and like it was trying far too hard to be “Country French” or some such nonsense. Marble countertops and high end appliances remain — a SubZero fridge and a La Cornue range that definitely costs more than Ms. Conrad’s assistant’s new Toyota.

The wide-plank rustic hardwood floors continue from the kitchen into the adjacent breakfast space and family room, with its vaulted ceilings and french doors leading to the grassy backyard.

It appears that Ms. Conrad spent most of her renovation dollars in the master suite. And that’s a good thing because it was a bit of a depressing hot mess beforehand. New hardwood floors grace the bedroom, and the tile bathroom has been redesigned with a frilly new soaking tub. A glass-enclosed shower remains, as does the walk-in closet with plenty of storage for Ms. Conrad’s designer wardrobe.

In addition to the four guest/family bedroom suites, the house also has a couple bonus rooms, both of which appear to be decked out as offices/studies.

The sloped lot means that yard space isn’t quite as abundant as you might expect for a 1.5-acre property, but it does have all the necessary features like a full outdoor dining area (with more pebbles!) a lagoon-style pool w/ spa, and an outdoor fireplace for enjoying those chilly January nights.

As we’ve already mentioned, in addition to her Pacific Palisades manor house, Ms. Conrad presides over an impressive luxury real estate collection. Last February (2016) she sold her renovated Beverly Hills apartment penthouse for $2,800,000, more than double what she paid for it four years prior. She’s also got a charming house in Brentwood that she paid $3,651,375 for back in 2012. And in her hometown of Laguna Beach, she owns not one but two multi-million dollar houses: a small cottage acquired for $2,000,000 back in 2009 and a baller-style blufftop house in a prestigious guard-gated community for which she paid a very A-list $8,500,000 back in 2014.

And while Yolanda would guess that Ms. Conrad has not sunk anywhere near $800k in renovations into her Palisades property, home prices are crazy these days. We think our gurl just might get close to her asking price for the house we just discussed. So if you’ve got $5 million to spare and a mock-Med mansion in Pacific Palisades is your cup of real estate tea, hurry up and give Ms. Conrad a ring-ring.

Listing agent: Cary Glenn, Main Beach Realty

The first sentence of the real estate marketing materials for today’s house reads “Welcome home to this celebrity owned entertainer’s estate.” Hmmm. Intriguing! Who could it be?

Well, imagine our surprise when we discovered that the current owner is someone the under-a-rock-resident Yolanda had never heard of before: a guy named Richie Kotzen.

Turns out Mr. Kotzen has a pretty impressive curriculum vitae. The hard rock guitarist was a member of glam-metal band Poison in the 1990s and — in addition to his extensive solo career — is also a current member of the bands Mr. Big and The Winery Dogs. So Yolanda should obviously know who he is, right?

Anywho, our own ignorance aside, let’s discuss the property’s new owner. Although the sale has yet to officially close, Yolanda happens to know the house will soon be sold to a 20-year-old Aussie lad named Calum Hood, who happens to be in the bubblegum pop boyband quartet known as 5 Seconds of Summer.

It appears from a brief consult with our BFF — Ms. Wiki Pedia — that 5SOS got their first taste of fame on YouTube sometime around 2011. They then were plucked from behind the computer screens in 2012 to become the opening act for most of One Direction’s phenomenally-successful 2012 Take Me Home tour. That tour made the band internationally famous and led to two #1 US albums and a single with nearly 200 million hits on the YouTube. It seems Mr. Hood himself has generously benefited from his band’s success — he now sports more than 5 million followers on that Instagram silliness.

But we digress. Our Mr. Hood will be paying $1,400,000 for the privilege of occupying the premises. Let’s see what sort of starter house that wad of moolah is buying him.

The 2,150-square-foot house was built in 1959 in a vaguely Traditional style on a .23-acre lot. As is typical of many homes in the tightly-packed Hollywood Hills, the structure sits hard up on the street. Nonetheless, Mr. Kotzen has done a good job of carving out a hard-earned bit of privacy — thanks to a towering hedge and the completely walled-and-gated premises.

Two doors that look as though they were imported from some Mayan ruin (though in actuality they were probably special-ordered from the Pottery Barn in Sherman Oaks) lead right through the hedge to the inner sanctum.

It is abundantly clear that Mr. Kotzen is long gone from the premises and did not feel the need for home staging — rather gutsy and admirable of him, Yolanda thinks.

The listing gushes about how “completely remodeled kitchen, bathrooms, windows, doors and so much more bring luxury to life here.” Okay, sounds good. But no shade, kiddies, we just don’t see it. Maybe we just can’t picture it without furniture or perhaps we’re just jaded from looking at thousands of pictures of $50 million mansions, but we don’t sniff a whiff of luxury up in here.

We do see an abundance of tiles and a double-sided fireplace painted a rather bombastic shade of red. (And why don’t those windows reach the floor?)

At least the master bedroom (we think that’s it up top) sports lustrous wood floors an a closet. Another room has an incongrously-ornate closet setup with inlaid carved wooden doo-dads and ornamentation. Looks like the sort of closet you could walk into and expect to find Narnia!

Somewhere there’s a soundproof recording studio (now you know why Mr. Hood bought this place!) with state-of-the-art wiring and such.

The yard is actually quite spacious (for the Hollywood Hills) and features an almost perfectly rectangular swimming pool and a raised, adjacent spa with a waterfall feature. Also there is a sports/basketball court and a firepit with BBQ. And there’s complete privacy — the entire space is shrouded within towering hedges and mature shade trees.

Mr. Hood’s new ‘hood is in the eastern part of the Hollywood Hills near the Cahuenga Pass. As mentioned, his house is located on a street that seems to be increasing in popularity with celebrity-type folks — some of his neighbors include Oscar-winner Jared Leto, Scandal actor Guillermo Diaz, and — another fella who just bought a house here — street artist Mr. Brainwash.

Richie Kotzen’s agent: Bret Domrose
Calum Hood’s agent: Alex Lobel, Compass

For many years, the tony, sidewalk-free neighborhood of Brentwood on LA’s Westside has been most famous — or infamous, as is probably more apt — for being the area where OJ murdered Nicole and Ron. And while it may never completely step out from under that long, sinister shadow, a new local moniker has arisen. In the past few years, it has garnered a rep for being a punishingly pricey pocket where absurdly rich celebrities pour out tens of millions of $$$ on enormous mansions.

If you’ve followed this blog for some time (or other property gossip sites, for that matter) you’ve probably seen many of the following homes that we’ve linked to for reference. But just in case, here are some of those extravagant cribs owned by famous folks like headphones tycoon Dr. Dre, NBA star LeBron James, cosmetics mogul Jamie Kern Lima, South Park king Trey Parker, Zillow CEO Spencer Rascoff, and actor/poker player Tobey Maguire.

But long before all those peeps began pouring their big money in, before all the other mansions, before OJ and the news cameras, the area was decidedly unpretentious and primarily known for its peaceful, bucolic atmosphere. Oh, and also for the many equestrian havens and ranches within its boundaries. It wasn’t so very long ago, really. Yolanda remembers like it was just yesterday (don’t laugh!).

Sadly, many of the lovely equestrian estates are going the way of Daewoo and the dodo. Every time we turn around, another one bites the dust. As the thirst for land becomes ever more insatiable, the ranches are rudely destroyed to make way for East Coast-style borefests like this one.

Or so it would seem. And we don’t mean to be rude. There’s nothing stylistically wrong with houses like that, really. It’s only Yolanda’s useless and delicate real estate sensibilities. We find those sorts of homes rather stale and stodgy. But people love ’em. Folks can’t get enough. The numbers (prices!) don’t lie.

And yet, owners of certain ranch holdouts remain without selling out. They, we think, are the wise ones. Perhaps the tide might finally be ready to turn.

Let’s set the scene.

Sullivan Canyon has long been the most rustic and countrified corner of Brentwood, with the densest horse population for miles around. Easily. It’s here, after all, where Steven Spielberg bought/built his horse-lovin’ wife Kate Capshaw a multi-acre compound made up of stables and a professional riding ring.

Anyway, a 1950 Sullivan Canyon ranch at 1550 Old Oak Road was sold for $3,500,000 back in late 2012. The 2,330-square-foot house was well-maintained and came with a pool and detached stables on the .69-acre lot. Not surprisingly, however, it was marketed as an excellent teardown opportunity.

The buyers then were a lady named Raphaelle Wunderman Cassens — the daughter of a wealthy Swiss watch manufacturer named Severin Wunderman — and her husband Phil Cassens.

You may have expected Mr. & Mrs. Cassis to replace the ranch with some sort of “Cape Cod” faux nonsense mansion. We’re sure they could’ve easily built a two-story Nantucket-style porker for a couple million and sold the finished product in the $10 to $12 million range. But nope. Like a butterfly emerging from yonder prickly caterpillar, something gorgeously nonsensical this way came.

See, Mr. & Mrs. Cassens did raze the existing house. But what they built in its place was a scaled-back 5,476-square-foot glassy ranch sprawler with just 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. The couple also rebuilt/expanded the stables. Kept the riding ring. Grew an organic vegetable garden. And refused to add a sports court, movie theater, or even a pool (!!!). The mini-estate’s style is “modern Belgian farmhouse”. Well, alrighty then. We’ll take their word for it.

But anywho — what were these looney tunes thinking?!

Guess what? Take an ice-cold shower, because those silly folks just sold their ranch for $18,300,000. More than five times what they originally paid.

Apparently at least one millionaire — or billionaire, in this case — does not feel the need to live in a hulking mansion in LA.

Of course we have no way of knowing how much money Mr. & Mrs. Cassens sunk into construction and there are those pesky taxes and fees to consider, but Yolanda would not be the least bit surprised if the astute (or lucky) couple walked away with $10 million in pure profit. Take a minute to digest that.

You may laugh, you may cry at the absurdity of it all. But goodness gracious, kiddies. After peeking at the pictures, we now see why this house commanded such an exuberant pricetag. This place is lovely. We’d live here in a heartbeat. We’re gonna show you the pics in just a second, of course, but the new estate is best viewed through YouTube. Wanna watch it? Better move quickly, because Yolanda suspects the video will soon be yanked off the interwebs.

The spendy buyer’s identity is carefully concealed behind something called “Old Oak Real Properties LLC”, but Yolanda just happens to know that the happy new owners are a Texas-based couple named Dan & Debra Friedkin.

Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin and their four children hail from Houston, y’all. Well, actually, Houston is simply their “main” residence. They’ve got homes all over the place, as we will discuss a bit later.

Our Mr. Friedkin — his full name is Thomas Daniel “Dan” Friedkin — has a wide variety of interests that include wildlife conservation and aviation. More important to this tale, however, is that he has a net worth of $3.9 billion (per Forbes).

You may be shocked to know that most — if not all — of that money comes from peddling Toyotas. Yes, kiddies, Mr. Friedkin is a car salesman. His Gulf States Toyota has the unfathomably lucrative exclusive rights to sell Toyotas in the Midwest and Deep South states of Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Oklahoma. GST’s sales account for 13% of all Toyota sales nationwide, so it should come as no surprise that Mr. Friedkin is a billionaire several times over. The company was founded by Mr. Friedkin’s dad, octogenarian Thomas Hoyt “Tom” Friedkin, way back in 1968.

Mr. Friedkin also recently formed a start-up Hollywood entertainment studio, so perhaps that’s why he would be interested in an $18.3 million LA ranch.

As for Mrs. Friedkin, she is a noted supporter of archaeological explorations and even has her name slapped on a notable archaeological site in Texas. Apparently, this site has been the epicenter of a remarkable artifact find that provides direct evidence of human life existing in the Americas more than 15,000 years ago. That’s really quite a bit deal!

You know you’re rich when you have your own archaeological site. Just sayin’.

Onto the $18.3 million house. The 2014-built property was built from the amended plans of Napa-based architect Howard Backen. The abode was never officially on the MLS, so we’re not even sure what the asking price was, but we do know that the residence was marketed as offering 7,800-square-feet of living space, a big discrepancy from the 5,476-square-feet stated in public records. Perhaps the sizable stable has something to do with that.

Most folks driving by this place would never even give it a second glance. The one-story house isn’t visible from the road out front — the only things that can be seen are a redwood gate, hedges and mature trees. A decomposed granite driveway lends another informal note to the already casual experience. A short stone pathway leads to the deceptively-modest steel-and-glass front door.

The entry corridorleads directly to a spacious living/dining room with artfully mismatched furniture. Floor-to-ceiling steel-and-glass slider doors connect to an enormous outdoor loggia — perfect for entertaining.

One of Yolanda’s favorite rooms is the outdoor-indoor kitchen. We absolutely love the olive green cabinets, the stacked stone, and the vaulted reclaimed-wood ceiling. There’s even a quaint pizza oven. But high-end appliances themselves (Wolf) cost more than a new Toyota, probably.

Bless us! Back inside, there’s a real library with real bookshelves and real books. Yolanda approves of the table with the trendy mismatched chairs. The combo wine/cigar room boasts two glass walk-in wine closets and access tot he outdoors. Perfect for pouring a glass and then meandering about the yard. Reflecting on y’all’s money, amen?

A few details in this casa are a bit too cutesy for Yolanda — take the enormous Levi’s mural — but overall, we give this house two big thumbs up.

The master suite (top five pictures) has a four-poster bed with an exploding star chandelier and richly-grained hardwood flooring. The bathroom appears to have been hewed from a single slab of marble and features a shower “stall” with rainfall showerhead.

Lower pics are of one of the three secondary bedrooms. The wall of small pictures is certainly dramatic — and impressively hung — but we think Consuela must hate her employers’ guts for making her dust all that.

Ho hum, another seashell bed.

Belgian farmhouse makes Yolanda think of a place where Hercule Poirot might want to live. While we always imagined him in somewhere more formal, we think he would appreciate the neatly-symmetrical outdoor fireplace design.

Also in the house (not pictured) is a full-sized attic.

The two-stall barn holds a tack room, bathroom, grooming stall and wash rack with hot and cold water and laundry area. A blue brick laundry area.

Perhaps the one major downside to this property, as pointed out by Our Mama, is the fact that it backs right up to busy-busy Sunset Boulevard. Living right on the iconic street is certainly a fun thing to flaunt to one’s out-of-town friends, but the noise and pollution is less fun to folks actually living on the street. At least this section of the road isn’t too overwhelmingly congested — yet.

According to the online marketing materials, “the garden boasts nine raised Corten steel fruit and vegetable beds comprised of everything from pumpkins to pomegranates.” Yum!

Many of Mr. Friedkin’s new neighbors are abnormally rich and/or famous. We’ve already mentioned Steven Spielberg, of course, but a few of the other notable folks within sugar-borrowing distance include Oscar-nominated actress Anne Archer, Oscar-winning actress Diane Keaton (who just completed construction on a big brick farmhouse of her own), and Russian video game heiress Rita Kogan (who with her Oscar-winning cinematographer hubby Richard Edlund owns not one, not two, but three Sullivan Canyon properties on the same little cul-de-sac.

A thorough stroll through property records reveals that this Brentwood lodge is not the only multi-million dollar house in LA owned by Mr. Friedkin and his wife. Records reveal that back in 2014, they used another LLC to quietly pay $8,400,000 for an oceanfront mock-Med house on Malibu’s La Costa Beach.

The 3,159-square-foot Pacific Coast Highway house has a bit of a celebrity history. Back in 2009, it was purchased for $5,845,000 by producer Ryan Kavanaugh, who flipped it one year later for $9,000,000 to producer Todd Phillips. Poor Mr. Phillips, bless his real estate heart, took a $600k+ loss on the property when he tossed the keys over the the Friedkins.

But wait, there’s more.

Just one month after acquiring their Malibu home, Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin plunked down $4,125,000 for a 2,791-square-foot two-story Santa Monica house on a corner lot fronting prime Ocean Avenue. The house has clear whitewater views from nearly every room.

We can’t fathom why Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin would need a house in Brentwood, a house in Malibu, and a house in Santa Monica, all of which are in close proximity to one another. But have a look at their extended property portfolio. The Friedkin clan clearly isn’t prone to real estate moderation.

Yes, don’t let their relatively modest (if outrageously expensive) Brentwood ranch fool you. Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin are actually real estate size queens, at least when they’re at home in Houston, Texas. Their main residence appears to be an grand mega-mansion with 19,536-square-feet of living space. The ivy-covered red brick faux-Tudor — which looks old but was actually built in 2002 — backs up to the hoity-toity River Oaks Country Club and just happens to be right down the street from an 11,763-square-foot mansion that’s owned by Mr. Friedkin’s parents, Tom & Susan Friedkin.

In addition to the Houston mansions and the three houses in LA, it appears they own not one but two lavish equestrian-themed estates down in Rancho Santa Fe, California.

Tom & Susan Friedkin paid about $6,000,000 for this 22-acre spread back in 1998. It’s reportedly Bing Crosby’s former “Osuna Ranch”. After a brief spate of online research, however, Yolanda isn’t entirely certain if Mr. Crosby ever owned this particular property. Can anyone help your gurl out? Do we have any Rancho Santa Fe locals reading this hot mess? Be a dear and sort out our ignorant self. Pretty please?

Just two years after acquiring their first Rancho Santa Fe estate, the baller-tastic Friedkins slammed down $22,000,000 (in cash) for a world-class complex with a 13,000-square-foot mansion, pool/spa, tennis court, riding ring, pastures and acres of orchards.

Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin have been involved in East African conservation efforts for many years, so it is really no surprise that they have a stupendous compound over in Tanzania. The vision for Mwiba Lodge, as it is known, was conceived by Debra Friedkin. The lodge contains just 8 guest suites and all paying guests are ferried to the remote lodge via an airplane owned by Mr. Friedkin, natch. Coolest of all is a slate infinity-edged pool from which you can observe zebra and elephants drinking water from the natural spring directly below. If you’ve got money and a hankering to visit East Africa, Yolanda would advise you to seriously consider Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin’s hospitality. (Book early!)

More impressive, however, is that the Friedkins have long leased six million acres of Tanzania land from the government for conservation and protection purposes. We can’t even fathom the amount of resources it must take to manage millions of acres of land and shelter the wildlife from poachers (and such). But if anyone can do it, it would probably be the Friedkins.

The elder Mr. & Mrs. Friedkin also lay claim to an 8,264-square-foot luxury cabin in Frazee, Minnesota, on the shore of the Detroit Lakes. According to a local rag, they’ve also got a multi-million dollar condo in high-nosed Aspen (CO). And let us never forget their $50 million, 30,000-acre “Sleeping Indian Ranch” in Ridgway, Colorado.

Sleeping Indian Ranch has been described as “perhaps the largest log Post and Beam structure ever built”. But even if it ain’t, the Friedkins can take comfort in the fact that it is definitely the largest log Post and Beam architectural structure ever to win the coveted “Honor Award” from the American Institute of Architects, which it did in 2002. The structure was designed by the talented Pasadena, California-based architect Patrick M. Sullivan (may he RIP).

Yolanda also uncovered convincing yet unconfirmed evidence that Dan Friedkin may own luxury real estate in many other places like Madison County, Montana, Nashville, Tennessee, and even Cabo San Lucas (Mexico). But sorry, y’all. Yolanda’s all real estate-ed out for the day. A voracious collector like Mr. Friedkin may require a “Part II” story at some point, so stay tuned.

And so whaddya think about what we’ve seen in Brentwood today? Are ranches back in vogue? Or is this just a sky-high anomaly, courtesy of an eccentric billionaire?

Listing agents (Brentwood): Brian Courville & JB Fung, John Aaroe Group
Listing agent (Malibu): Kurt Rappaport, Westside Estate Agency
Listing agent (Santa Monica): David Solomon, The Agency
Dan Friedkin’s agent: Justin Paul Huchel, Hilton & Hyland 

It’s all over. 2016 had one final casualty to inflict. (Allegedly) cash-strapped real estate tycoon Donald Abbey has officially checked out of The Bradbury Estate, easily one of the largest and most extravagant homes in all of Los Angeles County. Let us rest, reflect, and say goodbye forever.

Yolanda knew the end was nigh, of course. Not to beep our own horn, but we discussed the Notice of Default filed against Mr. Abbey’s personal version of Hearst Castle — and his other assorted financial troubles — almost a year ago. But we anticipated him to go out in a blaze of blood and bullets, whether it be through a protracted foreclosure, public auction, or a last minute Hail Mary! sale. Our Mr. Abbey is quite a character, after all.

In the end, however, the demise of Mr. Abbey’s much-publicized residency in the prestigious Bradbury Estates neighborhood came to a close much more quietly than Yolanda ever anticipated. We didn’t even know it had happened until a wee Bradbury Estates birdie who we’ll call Little Bo Peep chirped to Yolanda that Mr. Abbey is gone, gone, gone forever from the hallowed streets of 91008.

Sure enough, and much to Yolanda’s surprise, a quick check of property records confirms that Mr. Abbey is — as of December 13, 2016 — no longer the owner of The Bradbury Estate.

Essentially what this grant deed means, kiddies, is that Mr. Abbey relinquished ownership of his epicly-scaled compound over to his mortgage lender (Second Step Asset Management is a Bank of America subsidiary) in exchange for the entirety of his mortgage debt being forgiven. Probably a wise choice, we think, as opposed to continuing with the grim foreclosure process.

More interesting, however, is the deed makes clear that the total dollar amount owed on the property by Mr. Abbey — an unbelievable $32,330,351.26 (!!!) as of June 2016 — is equal to or greater than the total value of the house and the 8-acre land on which it rests. That’s significant! You see, the property has been on the market for a five full years — initially at an asking price of $78,800,000 that eventually tumbled to $48,800,000 and has now inexplicably ballooned back up to $78,000,000. It is now abundantly obvious, however, that the ask is fantastically and outrageously optimistic.

Before we digress any further, however, let’s color in the circles and provide some context to those of y’all who might not be familiar with this admittedly somewhat bizarre tale.

Our Mr. Abbey attended college at Penn State back in the 1960s. He was a talented running back on the football team, where he played under a once-great yet now-disgraced (and deceased) coach named Joe Paterno. Upon graduation, Mr. Abbey was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys but chose to become a Navy SEAL rather than pursue a professional football career.

By mid-1980s, Mr. Abbey had relocated to Orange County, California and was working in commerical real estate. In 1990, he founded The Abbey Company, a commercial real estate firm based in Long Beach (CA) that is privately owned and managed by Mr. Abbey.

Mr. Abbey quickly amassed substantial wealth through his real estate investments. In 1991, records show he paid $2,000,000 for an 8-acre property in a hilltop corner of the Bradbury Estates neighborhood that would become the future location of his palace.

Bradbury Estates is a guard-gated community in the tiny city of Bradbury, CA. For those who may never have heard of it — and there are still many even among LA residents — Bradbury is located in the oft-overlooked San Gabriel Valley, which sits just northeast of LA. Bradbury is about 10 minutes’ drive from Pasadena, 30 minutes from Downtown LA, and within an hour from Santa Monica/Malibu. (All of those time estimations are with only light traffic, of course.)

Yolanda has been to Bradbury Estates, so we know of what we speak when we tell y’all that it is a very beautiful, bucolic, prosperous, horse-friendly community filled with people who are — generally speaking — much nicer and more friendly than their counterparts in Beverly Hills and on LA’s Westside. With only about 80 homes (or so), we think of the Estates as a much smaller and prettier version of Hidden Hills.

But we digress. There is absolutely no question that Mr. Abbey was, at one time, one of the wealthiest residents of Bradbury Estates. So what happened?

We don’t know for certain, however, but based on everything we’ve heard and read, it appears that Mr. Abbey is quite the voracious spender. His wild expenditures, it seems, outstripped even his deep well of financial resources.

Perhaps his philanthropy was partly to blame. Mr. Abbey was generous to a fault. He once donated a shocking $8,500,000 to cover renovations for his old Penn State fraternity building. Crazy, right? $8.5 million for frat house renovations?

And then, of course, there were the Bradbury and Montana homes.

By his own admission, Mr. Abbey spent twelve years and an unimaginable amount of moolah building his Bradbury house. The acres of bluestone for the driveway were cut and quarried in Vietnam. The French limestone exterior blocks were quarried in France (duh!) and cut in Portugal. A six-foot marble fireplace in the living room was rebuilt three times to suit Mr. Abbey’s taste. The one million gallon trout pond is climate-controlled year-round. The 700,000-gallon pool is infinity-edged and cross-shaped. No question, it is one of the largest private man-made bodies of water we’ve ever laid eyes on.

Add the 30,000-square-foot main house plus the accessory structures (10-car garage & guest house, pool house) and you get a combined 47,000+ square foot compound overlooking the LA basin.

As soon as the house was complete, in early 2012, Mr. Abbey put the estate up for sale to a blaze of publicity with an asking price of $78,800,000. The rest of the story is fairly non-eventful — by the end of 2015, Mr. Abbey was already more than $500,000 behind on the payments for a $31 million construction loan he obtained from Bank of America.

That same year, Mr. Abbey took part in a video where he provided a tour of the property:

Now is it just us, or does the whole thing feel somewhat empty? No question, it’s packed to the gills with quality materials, but they all collude to make the place look overwhelmingly soulless and impersonal, like one of those isolated luxury rehab centers. Perhaps the lack of landscaping is a factor in that feeling, perhaps not. Even with better landscaping, the home remains a white elephant.

But wait, there’s more. Mr. Abbey’s massive mansion in Bradbury was not his only castle. He concurrently constructed another epic estate on Shelter Island on Flathead Lake, way out in Montana. Mr. Abbey took years and employed more than 250 workers to build his island behemoth.

Poor Mr. Abbey no longer owns his Montana home, either. Last year, he relinquished title of the property to Second Step, the same Bank of America subsidiary that also now owns his Bradbury Estates home. The house is now listed for $39 million, exactly half of its original $78 million asking price (yes, Mr. Abbey loves $78 million asking prices).

But perhaps he’s glad to be rid of it. The property proved to be quite the litigation headache for Mr. Abbey. He sued his project contractor, he sued several subcontractors, he sued Montana over property taxes. At one point, Mr. Abbey was even suing himself.

The nagging question continues to haunt us: why would Mr. Abbey take on massive debt to build these enormous monuments to his own success? If he intended to flip them, why would he install so many custom features tailored to his own whims, and why would he build the homes in unsexy locales? If they were for his personal use, how could a guy who earned his fortune in real estate not foresee the astronomical ownership costs associated with these properties?

And why such enormous homes for a single guy? Mr. Abbey has never been married, taken a domestic partner, or had children, at least to Yolanda’s knowledge. Building two compounds, each of which is the approximate size of a standard aircraft carrier — why?!

It’s all very bizarre.

So what will happen to the Bradbury Estate now? We can’t imagine that BoA is eager to maintain a house of this magnitude for an extended period of time. While the crib is still saddled with a $78 million pricetag, we believe it will eventually transfer for no more than $25 million. Just a guess. Either that or it’ll become a mausoleum to Mr. Abbey’s bygone dreams. Say, take a look at that cross-shaped pool. Has anyone asked Joel Osteen or Creflo Dollar if they fancy a new West Coast parsonage?

The saga ain’t over. Not by far. We’ve got lots more to write. But Mr. Abbey’s chapter has officially ended.

And while we don’t know where he has moved, we believe Mr. Abbey is still residing somewhere in Southern California — most likely in a place far less decadent than The Bradbury Estate. Sad, no?

Here’s the thing, though. Life is already so short as it is. From the YouTube video we posted, it seems Mr. Abbey’s lifelong dream was to live a hedonistic lifestyle that few can even imagine.

And how many folks can truly say they lived their dreams? Mr. Abbey lived his, at least for a few short years. And he lived in the moment –seemingly without regard for rational, monetary concerns.  There’s something about that. It’s sorta — dare we say — admirable? Fearless? Poetic?

As ol’ Willy once stated: “Every Morn and every Night; Some are Born to sweet delight. Some are Born to sweet delight; Some are Born to Endless Night…”

Listing agent (Bradbury Estates): Bob Hurwitz, Hurwitz James Co.
Listing agent (Montana): Casey Yarger, Glacier Sotheby’s International Realty

It was our BFF (Mama at Variety) who first alerted us to the fact that heading-to-Splitsville Hollywood couple Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer have sold their Santa Monica micro-compound for $3,325,000 — a shocking $330,000 more than the asking price and a hefty $650,000 more than what Mr. & Mrs. Meyer-Maguire paid for the house barely 1.5 years ago. Obviously there were several people — or at least two — who wanted this particular house very badly.

They may not be each other’s soulmates ’til death do them part, but this erstwhile couple can celebrate making some big money together, eh?

Mr. Maguire is an ack-tore, duh. He has starred in many films, including Pleasantville, Seabiscuit, and The Great Gatsby. But he’ll always be Spidey to Yolanda. He’s also a legit card shark who has reportedly won up to $40 million playing Hollywood poker games. As for Ms. Meyer, she’s a jewelry designer and the daughter of uber-rich Hollywood heavyweight Ron Meyer, the current Vice Chairman of NBCUniversal.

Anyway, we digress. Yolanda just happens to know that the winning bidder who now holds the keys to the Santa Monica micro-compound we were previously discussing is a lady named Kathryn M. Ireland. And don’t you dare confuse her with model/business mogul Kathy Ireland. Or forget her “M.” middle initial. Ms. Ireland has been known to slap a beotch for such an indiscretion.

(We joke. Maybe)

Our Ms. Ireland was born and raised entirely in the UK –England and Scotland, to be slightly more specific. Upon her arrival to America in the ’80s, she met and married a film director named Gary Weis. (They are now divorced.) She’s a textile/interior designer with many years of experience and a celebrity clientele. And she sports a large Instagram following.

But Ms. Ireland is probably best-known for starring on the two seasons on the deliciously addictive Million Dollar Decorators show that was broadcast on Bravo for two seasons. Other stars on the show included LA-based designers Jeffrey Alan Marks, Mary McDonald, and Ms. Ireland’s BFF Martyn Lawrence Bullard.

The teensy-weensy compound is located on a pint-sized .18-acre lot in a prime inland area of Santa Monica, just about four blocks south of the Brentwood Country Mart. A drought-friendly yard filled with cacti and various other succulents and mixed with a woodchip ground cover greets guests.

For the owners, a single-file car driveway leads passes through a wooden gate which leads over some interesting mosaic-like inlaid stone and ends at a one car garage that Mr. Maguire and Ms. Meyer currently have outfitted as a gym.

The main house’s glass front door opens to a living room with exposed wood-beamed ceiling with skylights. Light-colored hardwood floors continue through most of the structure.

A compact kitchen with stainless appliances, natural wood cabinets, and a Buddha (always a Hollywood favorite!) connects to a family room with a row of colorful paddleboards (at least we think that’s what they are).

There are three bedrooms in the main house, including one with a curved, termite-friendly wood ceiling. Both bathrooms sport subway tiles and one-legged sinks.

Two of the bedrooms also connect to a loggia with sitting space and views of the surrounding rooftops.

Beyond the main house is a two-story guesthouse/studio type space that appears to be used as little more than a recreation area. Yolanda spied a ping pong table, a couple card tables (hmm!), and a sofa.

The third structure on the property is a one car garage that is outfitted as a yoga-quasi-gym studio. Total square footage of the micro-compound comes to a comfortable (but tiny by A-list celebrity standards) 3,601-square-feet.

Ms. Ireland is obviously quite a well-to-do lady, Yolanda finds evidence that she has owned at least four other multi-million dollar residential properties in recent years. She and her ex-hubby long owned a 1920s Spanish-style “farmhouse” in a prime north-of-Montana block of Santa Monica. It appears Ms. Ireland received the home in her 2010 divorce from Mr. Weis.

Ms. Ireland sold the house for $4,750,000 in 2014 to a not-famous couple who also appear to originally hail from London. Coincidence? Who knows.

In August of that same year (2014), Ms. Ireland paid $2,500,000 for a two-story Traditional (with a vaulted roofline) in the supremely trendy neighborhood of Venice (CA).

Exactly one year later, after Ms. Ireland had gussied up the house with her fabric swatches and such, the house sold in an off-market deal for $2,795,000 to merchant banker Brooks Hansen and his wife Alison.

Once upon a time, Ms. Ireland purchased a rather neglected Wallace Neff-designed ranch in gorgeous Ojai (CA) that she meticulously fixed up and had photographed for Vogue Living, Elle Decor, and House Beautiful. Every fashionable house fashion magazine on the planet, basically.

The property is truly stunning, and Yolanda is dead serious when she says that. It’s amazing. But anywho, Ms. Ireland sold the property for $5,800,000 in 2008 to Oscar-winning blonde actress Reese Witherspoon.

For reasons we can’t fathom, Ms. Witherspoon only held onto the Ojai jewel for a few years before she opted to sell it at a major loss — $4,983,000 in 2012 — to an ultra-mysterious buyer whose identity is veiled behind a blind trust.

Finally, Ms. Ireland also lays claim to a French Country villa. No, we don’t mean a faux-Frenchy pad here in LA — we’re talking French Country, as in a real damn villa out in the actual country of France.

As any good publicity hound would do, Ms. Ireland listed the Provence pad for sale in 2014 and subsequently agreed to have it featured in MyDomaine.com. The hilltop villa is located in southwest France and dates to 1760. Naturally, Ms. Ireland updated the structure with her signature flourishes — in a sensitive manner, of course. Is it just us, or does this look just like the homes that were featured in To Catch A Thief? (One of Yolanda’s favorite films.)

In the MyDomaine article, Ms. Ireland blabbed about how she already had her eye on her next personal project: a seaside house somewhere in grey Scotland. But to be honest, kiddies, we don’t know whether she ever bought that oceanfront residence or even if she ever sold her France home, for that matter. As best as we can tell, Ms. Ireland still owned the latter property as of about six months ago.

As for Ms. Meyer & Mr. Maguire, we must also confess we don’t know where the lady has moved. But as we recently discussed, Mr. Maguire paid $12,965,000 for a big Brentwood Park bachelor pad that’s just around the corner from a vacant estate-sized residential parcel that he’s owned for nearly a decade.

Tobey Maguire’s agent: Scott King, Compass
Kathryn Ireland’s agent: Otis Weis

Yolanda sincerely and profusely apologizes for her two-day absence from the internet. Entirely scheduled. Things got unexpectedly hot and hectic. You see, we were stuck in a stall in the ladies’ room of a Woodland Hills pizzeria located in a dowdy strip mall. How embarrassing! But their black-olive-with-aged-oregano deep dish was just too addictive, so we aren’t sorry. Ah, well. Thank you to our boys at the Valley Fire Department for the rescue.

Anyway, we’ve got lots of fun stories coming up but for today we wanted to take a quick detour and branch out to previously uncharted territory down within the thick folds of the dreaded Orange Curtain: Newport Coast, CA. On our way back from the OC beach, Yolanda will also make a quick pit stop in another strangely-named wilderness known as Diamond Bar, CA. Let us explain.

Back in late December (2016), a bodacious beast of a Newport Coast mansion sold for $28,000,000. That’s a lot of money! As far as Yolanda can tell, this house holds the award for biggest sale in the seaside community for the entire year of 2016. This was also — so far as we know — the second-biggest sale in all of Orange County last year, behind only multi-billionaire Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong’s record-busting $45 million splurge for a one-of-a-kind property in Laguna Beach. It’s also — per the OCRegister — the biggest sale ever for a non-oceanfront Newport house.

Now, the house happens to be located in the guard-gated Crystal Cove enclave in Newport Coast, which is the same swanky gated community where Real Housewives of Orange County star Heather Dubrow and her plastic surgeon hubby Dr. Terry Dubrow recently completed construction on a big-ass 17,000-square-foot mansion just a quick jog away from this house.

We mention Ms. Dubrow because the seller of this turgid Tuscan behemoth was a lady named Cindy McMackin and her hubby Ron McMackin. As luck or chance would have it, Mr. & Mrs. McMackin also have a RHOOC connection. (Lawd have mercy!) You see, Mr. McMackin is the brother (we think) of a guy named Reed McMackin. Our Mr. Reed McMackin is the husband of a lady named Nicole McMackin, whose affair with RHOOC cast member Shannon Beador‘s husband was a major storyline on a recent season of the show. So the story goes, Ms. Nicole McMackin was not mentioned by name on TV, but someone leaked her identity to the Daily Mail. This caused Mr. & Mrs. McMackin to release a statement publicly confirming the affair but begging for no further publicity.

Um. Yeah. That’ll work!

Apparently both families — the Beadors and the McMackins — recently attended a USC football game where Ms. Beador and Nicole McMackin got into some sort of verbal altercation. Now tell us, kiddies, is there anything more trashy — and all-American — than getting into a boozy smack-talkin’ scuffle at a football game? We can’t think of anything but we’re open to enlightenment. But we digress yet again. Back to the house we go.

Now here’s where you might be surprised. Property records reveal the epicly-rich buyer is not some A-list celebrity, not a famous entrepreneur, not a billionaire financier. Rather, the new owners are an ultra-low-profile local married couple named William Chiu and Tracy Hou.

So where do Mr. Chiu & Ms. Hou get all their cash?

Well, it’s rather embarrassing for a prideful lass like Yolanda to admit, but we really haven’t the faintest idea. ‘Tis true. Matter of fact, we know next to nothing about Mr. Chiu & Ms. Hou. Except that they are very, very rich. Duh! We all know that now.

Take a look at what all that money hath bought.

The estate sits on a .79-acre hillside double lot near the tail end of a short cul-de-sac. Custom-built in 2009 by Mr. & Mrs. McMackin, the Italianate sprawler weighs in at a portly 18,650-square-feet. That’s a huge house. It’s not quite a mega-mansion — Yolanda usually considers those as anything above 20,000-square-feet — but it’s still massive. There are 8 bedrooms and a total of 10.5 bathrooms, per the listing. The front driveway is exuberantly hedged and is also double-gated.

Best of all, there’s a subterranean 10-car garage so Mr. Chiu & Ms. Hou will never have to worry about their Rolls Royce or Ferrari bakin’ outside in the sun.

Inside, rooms are grandly proportioned and come equipped with coffered ceilings, faux-exposed ceiling beams, and industrial-grade fireplaces. We purposely only included a faraway photo of the kitchen here — naturally it sports a center island and top-grade appliances — because it comes equipped with a nasty pot rack that really bothers us. We’re like Our Mama in that we believe pot racks always look tacky, dirty, and are a safety hazard to boot. So kill it with fire, we say. But to each their own.

A column-filled formal dining room has seating for 10 and an ocean view. There’s that kitchen. Best of all (in our opinion) is the 1,200 bottle wine cellar.

Some of the other numerous amenities include a home theater, an at-home pub to discourage drunk driving (nice!), a mirror-walled gym, and a children’s home entertainment room slash library. Somewhere there’s also a “commerical-grade” elevator.

The master suite is too white and beige for Yolanda but it’s very fancy with a sitting area, fireplace, walk-in boutique-style closet, and a ballroom-sized bathroom with his-and-hers vanities and a soaking tub. There’s also a private covered balcony for year-round views of the water and Newport Harbor.

A rear courtyard area has an outdoor kitchen that is adjacent to a modern take on an open-air conservatory with French doors and walls of glass.

Naturally, the pool is infinity-edged for maximum wow factor. Brick terraces and a wide swath of jewel-toned lawn completes the backyard. And if y’all are too lazy to wade through these pictures, here’s a video tour.

Is it just us or is something rather cookie-cutter about this place? The sea view is wonderful, the house is certainly tremendously luxurious, and Newport Coast is a nice area. But having all those other big new houses around, all in neat little rows, sorta reminds us of Disneyland. A very posh Disneyland, mind you.

It’s the same sorta complaint we have with Beverly Park, except moreso here in Newport Coast because the houses are so close together and so stylistically similar. But then again, we can’t afford a $28 million house so what are we complainin’ about? Eh?

Onto the buyers: Mr. Chiu and Ms. Hou. Here’s everything we know about them. They are both in their late 40s or early 50s, they have lived in the eastern LA County area for at least the past 15 years, and we assume without any direct knowledge that they both originally hail from either Mainland China or Taiwan (as many folks in this area do). As we’ve said, we don’t know anything about their business or where they get $28 million from, but we assume they have different (non-Americanized) named back in their home country.

Interestingly enough, Yolanda stumbled over evidence that Ms. Hou had a Criminal Complaint filed against her several years ago. For those of y’all goody-two-shoes readers out there, a criminal complaint filed by a US state is often an early step in the criminal prosecution process. The complaint can be a for a wide range of crimes, and Yolanda does not know (or particularly care to know) anything further about the case and if it was resolved, so we shall quickly move on.

We also know know that since February 2010, the wealthy couple’s main residence has been a large and expensive but architecturally questionable mansion inside the guarded gates of the Country Estates community in Diamond Bar, CA. The house was originally built in the late 1980s and contains 8,409-square-feet in the rambling main house and another 2,300-square-feet in the guest house. Mr. Chiu & Ms. Hou paid $4,000,000 for the 1.9-acre estate near the height of the global economic recession.

The Country Estates — also rather snootily called “The Country” by residents — is the wealthiest section of Diamond Bar and consists of approximately 750 home sites behind two guarded gates. Some homes are small; some are large. Some are even grand mansions. But even the smallest residences tend to be over a million dollars.

Chances are, if you’re from outta the area, you’ve never heard of Diamond Bar. That’s because it’s not a particularly sexy place to live. Don’t hate, we’re just keeping it real. Located on the eastern edge of LA County, the city abuts San Bernardino County and is about 30 miles east of Downtown LA. It’s also about 40 miles north of Newport Coast.

Because of the geographically remote location, Diamond Bar is short on Hollywood celebrity residents. But never fret. There is at least one! Since 1998, our favorite rapper Snoop Dogg‘s main residence has been located inside the Country Estates. Matter of fact, the weed-lovin’ Mr. Dogg’s surprisingly modest house is located almost directly across the street from the much larger mansion owned by Mr. Chiu & Ms. Hou.

Urban legend says Mr. Dogg keeps a yellow Lamborghini parked outside his Diamond Bar house at all times. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it ain’t. Yolanda has never actually been inside the Country Estates enclave, nor do we know any of the residents. So we can’t vouch for that. But perhaps a Country Estates homeowner will write in and school our ignorant self. Pretty please?

In the meantime, listen to Mr. Dogg drop some animal knowledge on his unsuspecting audience.

Listing agent: Rex McKown, Surterre Properties Inc.
Selling agent: Cindy Chin, Keller Williams Newport Estates

Although we typically prefer those ’60s TV shows — Mission: Impossible, The Avengers, M.A.S.H. — Yolanda is not just an ignorant old fogey. We like some select stuff from today, too! One of the cornball new(er) shows we like is the How I Met Your Mother, which is cute and sappy and mildly funny in the best way. So when faced with an opportunity to discuss one of the actors’ properties, we naturally couldn’t resist.

The house — multi-family residence is a better term, actually — we are blabbin’ about today was sold by none other than Cobie Smulders.

For those of y’all wondering who Ms. Smulders is, how dare you! She is a very famous lady. Jacoba Francisca Maria Smulders, better known as Cobie, originally hails from British Columbia. She’s bounced around Hollywood for many years and has had several significant roles. These include a recurring part on the long-ago show The L Word and starring in The Avengers (the Marvel film franchise, not the fabulous Diana Rigg ’60s spy show that we adore).

But Ms. Smulders is probably best-known for her long-running role as Robin Scherbatsky on the tremendously-popular HIMYM. That plum job lasted a full decade and made her a very rich woman (if she wasn’t one already). Oh, and she’s also a cancer survivor.

Although Ms. Smulders has owned a modest Culver City house since 2006, she and her husband — comedian Taran Killam — and two young daughters actually live primarily on the East Coast, specifically New York City. We’ll discuss her home out there a little later.

Back in 2009, before she tied the knot with Mr. Killam, Ms. Smulders invested $991,000 of her cash into a three-unit income property in the super-trendy Los Feliz neighborhood of LA. It is Yolanda’s understanding that she never occupied any of these units, she merely rented them out to paying tenants. Listing information states that the property is “professionally managed”.

We’re not exactly sure why she would sell — we doubt she’s hurting for cash — but apparently Ms. Smulders is tired of being a landlady or something because she just dumped the property for $1,425,000 to a guy named Demetri Martin.

Our Mr. Martin is a Yale grad and stand-up comic who is a regular contributor to The Daily Show. He even once had his own variety show on Comedy Central, although that seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird. He has also sold scripts to both DreamWorks and Columbia Pictures.

Since 2012, Mr. Martin and his wife Rachael Beame have resided in an architecturally significant home in the upper reaches of Bel Air. The house was designed by arguably underrated architect and lies just a stone’s throw (get it? get it?) from the Stone Canyon Reservoir.

One more thing, Mr. Martin. Hunny, you know that Yolanda loves ya, but won’t you cut that mop off your head? Pretty please?

Our delicate toupee sensibilities certainly do not approve of Mr. Martin’s rather unfortunate mushroom hairstyle, but you can’t have it all — right? But let’s quit digressing on hair-brained tangents and take a look at his new income-generating property in Los Feliz.

Although described in listing materials as a “triplex”, Yolanda typically thinks of a triplex as being one building divided into three units. Are we wrong?

Anyway, that’s not the case here. This property actually consists of two structures, both two stories and the larger of which is split into two equal-sized two-story units. The smaller, structure has a different address and is a standalone unit with its own two car garage. We’d guess that the rent on the third unit is substantially more, being that this is car-centric LA and all.

The corner lot property is gated and hedged from all sides for privacy. A gravel outdoor area leads down a walkway and gravel front yard to the larger of the two structures.

We’re not sure which unit this is, but we think they are all fairly similar. This one’s got hardwood floors and a lovely sitting room/library with real books and a TV rather oddly — if conveniently — stuck on a shelf in the bookcase.

The front door opens directly to a small dining table. The kitchen looks in need of a refresh, and we especially dislike that big black fridge that that adds a jarring, sour note to the space. But all that is easily rectified.

The entire property appears well-maintained and charming. A quirky backyard spot has a trellis and a couple small outdoor tables. The property is located in the Los Feliz Village cranny of the neighborhood, so tenants always have the option to grab some fresh produce from a neighborhood market and juice up out on the patio.

Ms. Smulders, she has moved to New York City, where in January 2012 she and Mr. Killam forked out $2,000,000 for a three-bed, three-bath condo at the trendy, eco-friendly, and celeb-popular Riverhouse building in Battery Park. Some of her famous neighbors include Leo DiCaprio and Tyra Banks. As of yet, there’s no word on how — and if — she met them, though. Har har.

Ms. Smulders’ agent: Andrew Rhoda, Compass
Mr. Martin’s agent: Brian Capossela, Cap Equity Realty

Well, it’s finally happened. On the last day of 2016, at least seven months after initially entering escrow, one of Beverly Hills’ most infamous spec-mansions was sold. The new owner is UK-based bazillionaire Richard Caring, and he paid a magnificent $33,000,000.

Ultra-modern in design, brimming with all the tech-gizmos, unquestionably lavish — the house was completed back in 2014. So it’s still a swaddlin’ babe in the arms of the real estate world. But despite its young years, it has already endured plenty of controversy. Back in February 2014, you see, the then-brand-new home was purchased for $31,000,000 by a shady fellow named Khadem Al Qubaisi.

Mr. Al Qubaisi is an Emirati by birth and a criminal (allegedly!) by profession. At least that’s what folks say and based on our research, we’re inclined to agree with them. But since we’ve already discussed Mr. Al Qubaisi’s ties with the multi-billion dollar 1MDB worldwide money laundering scheme here and here, we won’t dive back in too deep in this instance. Suffice to say that he and his associates embezzled billions of dollars in Malaysia’s public funds for their own personal use and enjoyment.

The Wall Street Journal describes Mr. Al Qubaisi as “a nightclub aficionado with slicked-back hair, a taste for the good life and close ties to princes who rule [Abu Dhabi].” That sounds pretty accurate to Yolanda, although we might add that he’s an incarcerated nightclub aficionado. That’s right, Mr. Al Qubaisi is currently languishing in a U.A.E. jail on charges of corruption, money laundering, and a whole bunch of other bad stuff.

Our Mr. Al Qubaisi never moved into his Beverly Hills palace, we think, and instead used the property as a money-laundering device. Around the time he bought this place, he also paid $15 million for a vacant lot on the most prime street in all of the Trousdale Estates neighborhood. Two years later, both properties were seized by the U.S. Department of Justice.

As it turns out, and as Yolanda only recently discovered, both Mr. Al Qubaisi’s Beverly Hills properties were already in escrow with different buyers at the time of the seizure. It appears the DoJ intervened just in time before both assets were sold and the profits reached Mr. Al Qubaisi’s slimy paws. But we digress.

After several months of what Yolanda imagines was some tense legal wrangling, the US DoJ released the hold it had placed on this property. We have a document that is far too boring to post here, but basically states that the DoJ found it necessary to sell the house quickly because the maintenance and other associated costs of holding a property of this magnitude long-term would be excessive.

But even before Mr. Al Qubaisi’s ownership, the property attracted considerable negative publicity, and many folks hated the house before it was ever built. Sometime back in 2009, you see, a developer named Richard Papalian wanted to build a spec-mansion on a prime Beverly Hills lot. But Mr. Papalian is a considerate fellow. Maybe. Rather than immediately tear down the house (Mohamed Hadid-style), he knocked on the neighbors’ doors and asked if they had any objections to him tearing down the modest, existing house and building something shiny and new. Unsurprisingly, many of them did. So Mr. Papalian left the house as is, right?

Well, perhaps not. You see, it appears that Mr. Papalian did not actually care about what his neighbors thought; he simply wanted to get his house built in the most strategic manner possible. Or so it would seem. So instead of applying for a demolition permit, he sought — and received a renovation one, which allowed him to demolish up to 50% of the current structure. Mr. Papalian promptly razed all but 10% of the house and built a towering behemoth that blocks some of the neighbors’ views. Lawsuits followed but the house stayed put and quickly sold for $31 million to short-term owner Mr. Al Qubaisi.

The latest owner, as we’ve previously mentioned, is a British billionaire (or near billionaire) named Richard Caring. The perma-tan and wild-haired Mr. Caring — who also has some of the whitest teeth we’ve ever seen on a native Englishman — recently made headlines with his recent split from his longtime wife Jacqui. Apparently it could become one of the UK’s biggest divorce settlement ever. Now in his late 60s, Mr. Caring is reportedly worth £700 million (about $850 million USD) and had no prenup.

Good gracious, Mr. Caring! Ain’t it always cheaper to keep her? Is the new gal really worth all that?

Mr. Caring’s extensive wealth derives from 1980s Hong Kong retail and real estate investments, the proceeds of which later led to restaurant investments in more recent years. He owns several of the classiest joints in London, including The Ivy, J Sheekey, and Le Caprice. Mr. Caring is also a co-owner (with Ron Burkle) of the members-only (and slightly douchey) club Soho House, which has recently expanded to LA with locations in West Hollywood, Malibu, and Downtown LA.

However, the “utterly charming” Mr. Caring is perhaps best-known for his longstanding business partnership with legally-embattled multi-billionaire couple Sir Philip Green and his wife, Lady Tina Green. The Greens — who are one of the wealthiest families in all of Britain — have made Mr. Caring an extraordinarily rich man through his role as chief supplier to their Arcadia Group army of fashion brands, including Topshop, Burton, Dorothy Perkins, and Miss Selfridge. This partnership has made Mr. Caring very rich. Extremely rich.

Wanna know how rich Mr. Caring is? Despite potentially losing half his fortune, he can still afford to plunk down $33,000,000 on a high-maintenance part-time residence in Beverly Hills.

Though designed to impress, the house looks more akin to a high-tech corporate facility than a single-family home from the front driveway. From the street, guests gain access to the heavily-secured premises via a stairway leading from the sidewalk to a locked doorway. That doorway leads to another flight of stairs which, in turn, leads to a glass front door that looks directly through the structure to the city beneath. Maximum view sex appeal is what Yolanda calls that.

Residents access the motorcourt via a remote-controlled metal wall/gate that leads under the main house. At the end of the driveway is a partially glass-walled garage with space for up to five vehicles. A glass-walled garage overlooking an infinity-edged “moat” and the Wilshire Boulevard high-rises is certainly dramatic, though Yolanda wonders if Mr. Caring’s maid Consuela will be cursing him under her breath every time she must wash those windows. Cars make windows dirty, kids. Ain’t no way around that unless you’ve got a garage full of Teslas.

Well, a glass-walled garage isn’t the most impractical thing in the world. But it’s pretty damn close.

Interestingly, all of these listing photos appear to be the exact same ones used to market the property back in 2014, suggesting that Mr. Al Qubaisi just let the place sit and made no further changes during his brief ownership.

Though it appears larger in aerial shots, listing information indicates the total living space is just 11,200-square-feet, positively puny by spec-modern-mega-mansion standards. The main house has three distinct levels: two above-ground and one subterranean. Nearly all rooms feature dramatic, disappearing floor-to-ceiling walls of glass. Flooring materials switch from terrazzo to marble to ebonized hardwood, depending on which room you’re lookin’ at.

The spacious, center-island eat-in kitchen sits adjacent to the dining room and sports luminescent lacquered white cabinetry, sleek high-end appliances, and a separate beverage bar with built-in espresso making machine. Floor-to-ceiling glass slips into the walls to merge the kitchen with an outdoor dining terrace with a large stone fireplace and, on a clear day, multi-million dollar views of the Los Angeles basin.

The lower level of the residence is packed with numerous luxury and utilitarian amenities like an 11-seat screening room, laundry room, maid’s suite, and a temperature controlled 1,000 bottle wine cellar visible from the upper floor through a glass floor (not pictured).

Although a glass floor may announce to the world that you are rich as heck, it’s also a rather ridiculous folly that gives anyone in the wine cellar a perfect view of the genital areas of any skirt-wearing woman (or man) who happens to be standing on the floor above.

The master suite spans the entirety of the top floor and has more glass walls, fireplace, a bathroom that looks like it came straight from the Montage Beverly Hills, a closet that looks like a Bottega Veneta showroom, and a wonderful wet bar. All rooms open to a 2,200-square-foot private wrap-around rooftop deck with another fire pit and another six-person spa. This spa tub, however, is one of those standalone plastic ones that can often be found in the back lawn of some middle class person’s house. Looks rather shockingly cheap in a $33 million house, but we digress again.

There are three  aditional guest/family bedrooms, each featuring its own walk-in closet and attached private bathroom.

No expense was spared on the lower outdoor level, which has its own marble-paved terrace. There’s an outdoor BBQ, a rectangular infinity-edged swimming pool and adjoining infinity-edged six-person spa, and a sunken fire pit with built-in cushioned seating.

The most unmistakable (and bizarre) feature of the residence, however, is a moat-like infinity-edged trough of water that  wraps around the house in a serpentine manner. The moat is far too curvy and narrow for actually swimming laps, but it’s definitely a stunning and sexy feature and y’all can all be assured it probably cost millions of dollars to engineer.

There is a detached guest house atop the glass-walled garage that contains a living room/lounge/office, a guest bedroom suite (perhaps for the home’s caretaker or butler?) and a gym with mini-kitchen. Like many rooms in the main house, the guest house also features glass walls that open to another large balcony with firepit and a glassy spiral staircase that leads to the yard below.

Like his new Beverly Hills mansion, Mr. Caring’s UK homes have also been criticized for being hopelessly nouveau riche. For many years, his main residence was a hulking stone manor house in the frighteningly-expensive Hampstead neighborhood of London. Neighbors christened the place the “Versailles of Hampstead” or the “Versailles of London” for its outsized extravagance.

Poor Mr. Caring no longer lives in his personal Versailles. His estranged wife Jacqui has taken command of the residence and will most likely receive it as part of her divorce settlement. In the meantime, Mr. Caring is either renting (or has purchased) a 32 million pound mansion in St. John’s Wood. He’s also got a 50-acre “shoot” in the Somerset village area out in rural England.

Yolanda hopes all that land and his big new house in Beverly Hills have enough space for Mr. Caring and his glorious mane of hair. This is the guy, after all, who reportedly refused to buy a property because he would’ve had to wear a hard-hat to tour it. Remember, y’all, bouffants are precious.

Listing agents: Mauricio Umansky & Farrah Aldjufrie, The Agency
Mr. Caring’s agent: Christopher Dyson, The Agency